Keeping myself busy again......a purpose

So Valentines day came and went and i thought about how hard times were the past few days. I have been having it rough, really rough. There were a few days i didn't even want to get out of bed but i did, because of Lilly. I cant punish her because Amelia is not here. Its not her fault and if i am not strong for her, she is going to eventually resent me. so once again to keep myself busy because April is only 45 days or so away, i made a ton of chocolate covered pretzels, and i made candies and cookies and so on. I used a lot of valentines day sprinkles which were pink and purple and reds and whites. Colors which i love and Amelia loved so in a way i still had her with me in that moment of not wanting to think about that stuff. Everyone loved the pretzels and stuff and it really made me want to open up my own candy shop. For a short moment i had a feeling of self worth. I don't know about the rest of you out there. The ones who have lost a child, a piece of you dies with them just like a family member. When you lose someone you lose a piece of you but for those who have lost a child, you lose self worth. Well at least i did. What do i have to live for. I know i have to live for Lillian but what else? Baking and people enjoying my stuff made me feel like i had a purpose.

Kaylynns cake

Well the party was today and the cake turned out amazing. I always get nervous when i am going to a birthday party for one of my nieces because they were so close with Amelia. Doing this cake made me channel my negative/uncomfortable energy and really do something amazing with those thoughts. At the party there were a few moments where i had lost a sense of myself but was shortly gained back. I went into the bathroom and cried twice. That quick hard cry really was enough to get me through another two hours of her party. At one point i sat at the table and ate my way through a few rough patches. I engorged myself in the chip bowl and listened to myself slowly become numb and fat. Everyone commented me on my great job and it felt good. After a horrible past few months to feel accomplished. Amelia would have been proud of mommy and her cake. She always said "your the best cooker." even if i made a grilled cheese or a chef-boy-r-dee. I will post pictures later of her cake.

Keeping myself busy

So to get my mind off of things I keep myself busy. I do a lot around the house like cleaning, and arts and crafts but, I now found a new hobby. Baking cakes. A while back i made a cake for Lou's cousins daughters first birthday, her name was Kherington. It was a three tiere cake with lots of fondant icing. It took a long time but, it really helped me get through a rough patch. Plus it gave me and my dad time to spend together and really worked on our relationship. Well now i have another cake lined up for me. My niece Kaylynn is turning 5 and is having a puppy dog party. She loves dogs so i offered to make her cake. This is what i am doing now. I am planning out her cake. This is keeping me busy. Ive decided to make two sheet cakes, put them together and then make a 3D poodle on top. Somethings i am going to make out of fondant icing like the collar, the face, the paws and so on. Doing things like this have really kept my mind busy but i do become exhausted because of my lovely friend. MS.

It won't stop going.

So my mind has been going non stop over Amelia passing. I cant stop thinking about her but not in a good way. I keep thinking of the moment we found her. It replays in my mind like a record player that has a scratch. Over and over again. I wish there was a medicine that erases parts of your life you don't want there. Not like a xanx where it just makes you numb to certain things i want a pill that will erase Amelia's passing. I want all the memories but, not the memory of the moment we found her, her funeral and the weeks after. To get through the hard times or the hard moments I tell myself that she is on vacation with her dad in Virginia for a VERY long time. This gets me through, well at least for the time being. This works for me on Saturdays and some Sundays because she was with her dad on these days so it is easier for me to get through those thoughts. Now on other days, its a little harder. I think about on Tuesday and Thursdays as well when she was with her dad.

So it is February

So we are now in the month of February. People are excited, Spring is right around the corner. I on the other hand am not. Spring means the anniversary of Amelia's passing. Who wants to relive that. I wish it would stay in Winter, even though I hate the cold, for the rest of my life. Once February is done and then its March and then April. We are two months away. I cant get through this. There is no way i am going to be able to get through the month of April. I used to love spring time. The weather, the flowers, everything. Now i wish it would stay away. Stay away like the stomach bug. All throughout the winter season you try to avoid the bug and take extra precautions not to get sick. Well i am trying to avoid and take extra precautions to avoid April. IMPOSSIBLE. Someone told me to extra medicate myself but i cant. I have a baby i still have to take care of. I have to be strong for her, but April is going to be hard. Is this normal? Someone out there, answer me.

Balloons........

So today we did our weekly balloon send off. Some people think I am nuts for sending off three balloons every Monday. Once a week we send off three balloons to heaven. I write whatever i want on my balloon. I tell her about what happened the week that passed or I just pour my heart out to her. I thought about if it was a stupid thing, and I don't think it is. This is my own personal way of expressing my love to her because there is no other way to do so. It has become a tradition for the past 5 months for my family. Lillian enjoys giving her sissy balloons as well. I'm not sure why I even bothered to make a post about why I send up three balloons every Monday, but we have been doing it since her birthday and I don't think we are ever going to stop. So those who have an opinion about what I do to mourn my daughters passing and how I cope. I have two words for you....SUCK IT! If you were in my situation and you found a way to get rid of that agony and pain, even if it was for a brief moment, you would do and say the same thing.

looking for her

Every night when I close my eyes I think of Amelia. When I open them as well she is on my mind but, I often wonder why cant I dream of her? Why cant I see her in my dream like I did three weeks after she passed. I just want to see her, I want to touch her, I want to feel her around me. That is the only thing I do feel often is her presence. Sometimes when i am in the kitchen cooking and I can feel like someone is staring at me but when I turn around there is nobody. Not a person, a dog, or a mouse, nothing!. Sometimes its not even a staring feeling it is just this warm comforting feeling like someone is there, like my baby is there but I turn around and shes not. Sometimes at night I try to close my eyes real tight and think of her, hoping she will appear. She never does. Someone once told me that she is all around always in my presence and if I dint try so hard she would appear. I think that is bullshit because no matter how hard or how less I try to see her I don't. Sometimes I even sit on the couch and look all around the house hoping that her faded image would appear for a brief moment to relieve me of this fucking agony.