June 16, 2009

UGH! i had a break down today, a bad one. I was in the basement doing wash separating clothes and there right there on the floor, right in front of me was her shirt. A white shirt that she wore on Sunday, the Sunday we went to the park the Sunday we went for ice cream the Sunday, the day before she died. I picked it up. it was still soft and had a stain of tooth paste on it. I held it so tight. I then sniffed it, did it smell like her, it sure did. Immediately i started to cry. This is the smell i was looking for. I sent all of these nights smelling something that did not smell like my baby this shirt did. oh god Amelia, why? I fell to my knees and lost it. i cried for a good fifteen min hard. There was a spider on the floor so i walked over to a chair and sat on it, holding her shirt so tight and crying. i just want that big hug back and that smile. Oh she would light up a room when she walked in. she would make people laugh at her silly ways and she was well mannered. She knew the proper things to do. I swear she was going to be a dancer or a singer. she loved music and artsy stuff. Alot like me. About 45 min later, Lou came down stairs asking me what i was doing. I just kept crying. He picked me up and helped me upstairs, I went right to our bedroom, laid in bed and cuddled with her littlest pet shop horse. On the horse are her socks that she wore that day. I took them off of her after they pronounced her because i didn't want anyone to take them. They already have her shirt, her jeans and her under shirt. They are not getting her dirty socks. ha ha. they have stains on them and everything. I grabbed the LPS horse and curled up and cried. I let months of agony out. Lou laid next to me with Lillian, not sure what to do, he did comfort me but i didn't want to be bothered. I just wanted to cry, and i did.