December 17, 2009

Today is a better day for me then the last few. I am trying to keep it together by keeping myself busy so that way i don't think about anything. I have a lot going on in my life right now and I'm not really sure where i am going or what i am doing. One day at a time i am told but its hard. I have so much guilt inside me. I know i say this a lot but its true. Why didn't God take me? I would rather him take me and leave my girls. It has really dawned on me today that Lillian is going to grow up to be a only child and i am not happy about that. When i was a little girl i had this envision that i was going to be a mom of many children. I was going to be successful and i was going to be happy. I am non of thee about. i really am not going anywhere in my direction i chose. In my envision i already had a few kids. I am going to have a hysterectomy next month. My endo is so bad that he doesn't want to let it go much longer. which i don't want to be in all that pain anyway. I don't want another laparoscopy either so the next step is hyst. I thought about freezing my eggs. I said this years ago before i got married, before i had children. Everyone laughed at me but i knew. I knew i was going to lose my "womanly stuff" sooner then others. Just like i had a feeling that i needed to keep Amelia closer to me then Lillian and I'm glad i did. I guess i could adopt! i would love to give a child a home that needs one, give a child love who needs it and provide for a child as well. Well i guess i am going to go rest a bit maybe do some laundry and really think where my life is going and what am i going to do. missing you baby face! oh i wanted to quickly wish my sister a Happy 30th Birthday Gretchen, you old fart!