Keeping myself busy again......a purpose

So Valentines day came and went and i thought about how hard times were the past few days. I have been having it rough, really rough. There were a few days i didn't even want to get out of bed but i did, because of Lilly. I cant punish her because Amelia is not here. Its not her fault and if i am not strong for her, she is going to eventually resent me. so once again to keep myself busy because April is only 45 days or so away, i made a ton of chocolate covered pretzels, and i made candies and cookies and so on. I used a lot of valentines day sprinkles which were pink and purple and reds and whites. Colors which i love and Amelia loved so in a way i still had her with me in that moment of not wanting to think about that stuff. Everyone loved the pretzels and stuff and it really made me want to open up my own candy shop. For a short moment i had a feeling of self worth. I don't know about the rest of you out there. The ones who have lost a child, a piece of you dies with them just like a family member. When you lose someone you lose a piece of you but for those who have lost a child, you lose self worth. Well at least i did. What do i have to live for. I know i have to live for Lillian but what else? Baking and people enjoying my stuff made me feel like i had a purpose.

Kaylynns cake

Well the party was today and the cake turned out amazing. I always get nervous when i am going to a birthday party for one of my nieces because they were so close with Amelia. Doing this cake made me channel my negative/uncomfortable energy and really do something amazing with those thoughts. At the party there were a few moments where i had lost a sense of myself but was shortly gained back. I went into the bathroom and cried twice. That quick hard cry really was enough to get me through another two hours of her party. At one point i sat at the table and ate my way through a few rough patches. I engorged myself in the chip bowl and listened to myself slowly become numb and fat. Everyone commented me on my great job and it felt good. After a horrible past few months to feel accomplished. Amelia would have been proud of mommy and her cake. She always said "your the best cooker." even if i made a grilled cheese or a chef-boy-r-dee. I will post pictures later of her cake.

Keeping myself busy

So to get my mind off of things I keep myself busy. I do a lot around the house like cleaning, and arts and crafts but, I now found a new hobby. Baking cakes. A while back i made a cake for Lou's cousins daughters first birthday, her name was Kherington. It was a three tiere cake with lots of fondant icing. It took a long time but, it really helped me get through a rough patch. Plus it gave me and my dad time to spend together and really worked on our relationship. Well now i have another cake lined up for me. My niece Kaylynn is turning 5 and is having a puppy dog party. She loves dogs so i offered to make her cake. This is what i am doing now. I am planning out her cake. This is keeping me busy. Ive decided to make two sheet cakes, put them together and then make a 3D poodle on top. Somethings i am going to make out of fondant icing like the collar, the face, the paws and so on. Doing things like this have really kept my mind busy but i do become exhausted because of my lovely friend. MS.

It won't stop going.

So my mind has been going non stop over Amelia passing. I cant stop thinking about her but not in a good way. I keep thinking of the moment we found her. It replays in my mind like a record player that has a scratch. Over and over again. I wish there was a medicine that erases parts of your life you don't want there. Not like a xanx where it just makes you numb to certain things i want a pill that will erase Amelia's passing. I want all the memories but, not the memory of the moment we found her, her funeral and the weeks after. To get through the hard times or the hard moments I tell myself that she is on vacation with her dad in Virginia for a VERY long time. This gets me through, well at least for the time being. This works for me on Saturdays and some Sundays because she was with her dad on these days so it is easier for me to get through those thoughts. Now on other days, its a little harder. I think about on Tuesday and Thursdays as well when she was with her dad.

So it is February

So we are now in the month of February. People are excited, Spring is right around the corner. I on the other hand am not. Spring means the anniversary of Amelia's passing. Who wants to relive that. I wish it would stay in Winter, even though I hate the cold, for the rest of my life. Once February is done and then its March and then April. We are two months away. I cant get through this. There is no way i am going to be able to get through the month of April. I used to love spring time. The weather, the flowers, everything. Now i wish it would stay away. Stay away like the stomach bug. All throughout the winter season you try to avoid the bug and take extra precautions not to get sick. Well i am trying to avoid and take extra precautions to avoid April. IMPOSSIBLE. Someone told me to extra medicate myself but i cant. I have a baby i still have to take care of. I have to be strong for her, but April is going to be hard. Is this normal? Someone out there, answer me.

Balloons........

So today we did our weekly balloon send off. Some people think I am nuts for sending off three balloons every Monday. Once a week we send off three balloons to heaven. I write whatever i want on my balloon. I tell her about what happened the week that passed or I just pour my heart out to her. I thought about if it was a stupid thing, and I don't think it is. This is my own personal way of expressing my love to her because there is no other way to do so. It has become a tradition for the past 5 months for my family. Lillian enjoys giving her sissy balloons as well. I'm not sure why I even bothered to make a post about why I send up three balloons every Monday, but we have been doing it since her birthday and I don't think we are ever going to stop. So those who have an opinion about what I do to mourn my daughters passing and how I cope. I have two words for you....SUCK IT! If you were in my situation and you found a way to get rid of that agony and pain, even if it was for a brief moment, you would do and say the same thing.

looking for her

Every night when I close my eyes I think of Amelia. When I open them as well she is on my mind but, I often wonder why cant I dream of her? Why cant I see her in my dream like I did three weeks after she passed. I just want to see her, I want to touch her, I want to feel her around me. That is the only thing I do feel often is her presence. Sometimes when i am in the kitchen cooking and I can feel like someone is staring at me but when I turn around there is nobody. Not a person, a dog, or a mouse, nothing!. Sometimes its not even a staring feeling it is just this warm comforting feeling like someone is there, like my baby is there but I turn around and shes not. Sometimes at night I try to close my eyes real tight and think of her, hoping she will appear. She never does. Someone once told me that she is all around always in my presence and if I dint try so hard she would appear. I think that is bullshit because no matter how hard or how less I try to see her I don't. Sometimes I even sit on the couch and look all around the house hoping that her faded image would appear for a brief moment to relieve me of this fucking agony.

November 2, 2009

Anoher day Janurary 4, 2010

Lillian is finally better, thank goodness! my poor baby was really sick for a little while. Im thinking of making her chicken noodle soup for dinner since she is still a bit stuffy. I cook and clean a alot but i have to. Not because no body else will or because im stubborn but because it keeps my mind off of things. I found that if i do something constantly i wont think about the situation as much. I break down a lot ecspecially now more then ever. I break down in the shower often or at night when I lay Lillian down for bed. I wish i could wipe away thise emotions and deal with the pain. i think i could do that. Im strong or so im told. Who knows what i am but i do know one thing and thats all that matters. I love my daughters so very much and i miss Amelia terribly. good night blog world.

January 2, 2010

It really feels weird to write 2010. My day was pretty nice. It was Lou's moms birthday so we treated her to dinner at Emeril's burger joint. She has been wanting to go there for a few weeks and try it out. We got a sitter and went for a few hours. I am ok with going to the casino to eat but i don't like gambling. We got there and we had a hour wait so we decided to walk around for a bit. Lou's mom had a few bucks to gamble so we watched her on a machine. I decided i wanted to walk and check out the store they had. They had a new Emeril's cook book. For those of you who don't know, i am a Emeril fan, Rachel Ray fan, Paula Deen fan, ok i am all about the cooking. I love food network. I actually fall asleep to it on the TV every night. Food network has made me a good cook. I enjoy watching people enjoy my food. Its a high for me. Anyway, i was thinking about getting the book but i didn't. It was too expensive for me. After that it was time to go eat and boy was it good. Their fries are amazing! we got home, Lou took Angie home and i put Lil to bed. It was a nice night.

New Years Eve/New Years Day

So today is New Years Eve. I'm not excited about that at all. I used to get totally stoked and i would go and get a new outfit, go out or go to family's houses and party my ass off. This year I'm not in the mood this year. Lillian is sick, she has a double ear infection and a bad cough. We cant get a sitter and honestly since Lillian is sick i would rather be home with her. Since Amelia passed i have been a bit over protective of her. We spent our night ordering the new dominos pizza which i do not eat. Yuck, i cant stand fake pizza. haha. I sat on the recliner with Lillian and her blanket and snuggled. We decided to have her sleep downstairs with us since she was so sick. I think i fell asleep right before the ball dropped but then to ring in the new year, Lillian threw up right at 12:01. She had so much mucus that it made her gag and then it all came up. Nice way to ring in the new year huh? haha. After all the commotion at midnight, i had a moment to myself. I don't want this year to be over, not because it was a great year, it was a horrible year. I don't want this year over because when i speak about Amelia i will have to say she passed away last year and i don't like that. Not only that but now January is a month closer to April and we all know that April is not going to be a good month for me. thinking about it now i am getting sick to my stomach. Happy New Year Everyone. I hope this new year brings you joy and happiness in every which way.


New years Day

We really didn't do much since Lillian was still sick. She has been on augmentin for a few days now and it still hasn't really kicked in. We went to my moms for some lasagna and ham today. it was nice to see my siblings. I miss hanging with them. We had fun though. Lou got some bad news today that his Uncle Robin is starting to lose his battle with liver cancer. He has been struggling with this monster for years and it really is starting to take a toll on him. Ive said so many prayers for him, i ask Amelia to watch over him and help him fight this struggle but its not looking too good. I'm going to head off to bed, its been a rough day.

Another day

So now that the stress of Christmas is over it feels good to relax. Although i didn't relax today. ha ha. I wanted to presents put away, the old toys and stuff packed away and brought to storage. I felt bad for Lou. We had a rough few days with him being ill so here i was putting all of these tasks on him. His face was priceless when i asked him to take the stuff to storage. I thought he was going to faint. I got a lot accomplished today though. I went into Lillian's room and went through her closet, her toy box and her dresser drawers. I took everything out and put it in piles. Throw away piles, keep piles, storage piles, donation piles. I really cleaned out a lot of junk. She was excited about her new toys. We spent most of the day opening boxes, breaking down boxes and putting stuff away. I found a few things in Lillian's toy box that were Amelia's and it really made me upset. I want my baby home. I want her here with me. I would do anything to hold her for just another second. This really sucks! let me rephrase that this is bullshit!

Christmas Eve/Christmas Day

Well, it was definitely a different one. I spent most of the day today shopping and finishing up what i needed to. I got Lillian her last few gifts and all of her stocking stuffers. Lou was going to go shopping with me but he had a severe migraine so he couldn't. I finished shopping around 4:30 and i had to be at church by 5:30 which i didn't make. I was very upset i didn't make it to church but i delt with it. I spent most of the Eve with Lillian and my family at my moms. Lou stayed home still because of his migraine. He gets them really bad to where he vomits and shakes. Its very scary. It was nice being with my sisters and my family. I sent Lou a text and he said he may want to go to the hospital. He couldn't move. I was worried so i left my moms around 9:30. I still had to wrap all of these gifts. I was already tired. I got home, got Lillian in her Christmas PJ's and told her that Santa would be coming tonight. After i put Lillian down for bed and she was off to sleep, i totally forgot my Christmas traditions, the reading of the book, the cookies and milk for Santa. I was truly crushed. How could i forget to do something so important, i think a part of me was trying to really not remember Christmas and the extras because Amelia is not here another because i was worried for Lou. I went down stairs to our room and i saw Lou on the floor, shaking. I knew he needed to go to the ER so i took him, Still in my Christmas Eve dress and high heels. lol. We got the ER and we went right back, they weren't busy at all, thank goodness. They immediately got Lou hooked up to a IV and started some fluids, gave him some meds and within an hour he was feeling better. They wanted to do a Lumbar puncture but he refused and they discharged him. That was at 2 AM. We then stopped at CVS because i had no wrapping paper and i wanted to get Lou's mom a few packs of cigarettes to throw in her stocking. We got home around 3 ish and i got in my PJ's as soon as we got in the house. I went downstairs to our room where we have our bed and our Christmas tree and started wrapping all of her gifts. Once the clock hit 4:45 AM i didn't care that i wasn't finished wrapping i needed to get to bed. Ill finish them when i get up. I closed my eyes and fell asleep as soon as i could, i was exhausted. It felt as though i only slept five minuets and I heard Lillian calling for me and Lou. Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Mommy. She went on and on and on, Lou went and got her breakfast and i quickly finished up the rest of the wrapping. I had a quick moment to myself and I lost it. I cried, i cried like a little baby. I sat on the floor, cradled my knees with my arms and rested my head on my knees and i lost it. I miss her so fucking much. I cant do this today, i cant go on today. There is no way. I cried so hard i couldn't breathe. The pain i have is unexplainable. Once i got that hard cry out and tried to regroup myself i popped a xanx to calm myself down or else i wouldn't be able to get through the unwrapping of the gifts this morning. Lou called me on my cell to see if he could bring Lillian down. I said yes but give me 5 more min i want to have the camera and video camera ready. I took a few pictures of before she saw the tree with all the presents laying under the tree. Then i heard her yell, Hi mommy! My heart ached, i was so excited to see her open her Christmas gifts for the first time but i felt so guilty for being excited. What kind of mother am I? Your other child is no longer with us, she is no longer here and your excited to celebrate Christmas. Then all of a sudden this voice, i know your going to think i am nuts but this voice said to me, its not fair to Lillian and you know what it was right, it wasn't fair to her. So i took a deep breath and i said, Hey bug, Merry Christmas. Look what Santa brought for you. She immediately ran for the Wiggles dolls that were unwrapped on the floor by her gifts. "Its the Wiggles!" she yelled. Her eyes glistened as she looked at all the presents. Lou sat on the floor and told her to come sit with him and he handed her his first present. She grabbed it and quickly unwrapped it quicker then i have ever seen before. She did that with all of her presents. I got a few nice gifts as well. We went up stairs to do the gift exchange with Lou's parents. They got Lilly a lot of things that she wanted. Since the quilts weren't done what i did was take a picture of what the quilt is going to look like and then i wrapped up in a box a square of the quilt and gave it to Lou's mom. I told her that that is just part of it and that it will look like the picture when i am finished. i told her how each of the material is actually Amelia's clothing and now she has a piece of Amelia as well. She cried and kissed the block. I felt good, like i did something right. Lou's parents left to go to Lou's sisters and we went back down stairs. I have a few more blankets to finish up. I usually cook a nice Christmas breakfast and so on but this year, i had no desire, instead Lou went to Wawa and we had some hoagies for our brunch. We then got Lillian dressed and headed out for the day. Off to my Moms first which we ate some really good food and I gave her her piece to her quilt and showed her the picture. She cried so hard. I lost it too. I did good all day until i saw my mom. As her being my mother she hurts terribly. She mourns her granddaughter but she also mourns her daughter as well. I took another xanx. We then we went to Lou's Grammys. I was going to go to my Aunt Vals to see my dad but it got to be too late and he was leaving. I kept my pain back most of the day. I don't know if it was i was trying to be strong and be excited for Lillian or if it was the xanx but whatever it was i did ok. Better then i thought i would have done. There is no other pain in the world worse then the pain of losing a child. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping.....

Ok so now i am in complete freak out mode. These blankets are taking too damn long to make and i really don't have a whole lot of time. Seriously, what the hell was i thinking. I had this great idea but yet i cant get it to come together for me. That actually seems like my life. hahaha So we went and did some Christmas shopping today. We got Lillian a bunch of toys and baby dolls. She has a lot already but these are different. The one pees, the other one sings songs and so on. We got her Dora stuff and Elmo stuff. wiggles which that is her new favorite and many more. She is going to go nuts Christmas morning i know it. Every time i looked at a toy i would say oh look, Amelia would have wanted that or when i saw something like Cars, i would get all choked up. that was her favorite movie. She would recite the lines. She knew it word for word. I'm dreading Christmas. I'm not sure how i am going to react. Am i going to cry? Am I going to be depressed? I don't want to be sad all day long, i need to be strong, well at least try. I really enjoyed shopping for Lilly. I got a few others a few things. We also got Lillian her Christmas eve outfit and the stuff to go with it. We still have yet to decided on her big toy. Lou said to get her a bike but i wanted to get her a new kitchen. For Christmas Lilly is getting new kitchen stuff like plates and bowls and pots and pans. Her kitchen now is for a child, a baby and its a big Elmo kitchen. i would rather her have a real one. Well i guess we will have to keep arguing over it until i get what i want. hahahah

my Nana, MS, and my day

I went to visit my Nana today at Easton Hosptial. I first went to an appointment and then i stopped at Panera Bread and got a big tub of soup and some sides of bread and a sandwich to share with my aunts and my Nana. When i got there i saw my Aunt Joan immediately, she looks like hell. He has MS as well, but she is far way worse then me. I look at her and i often wonder if i am going to look like her when i get older, meaning MS wise. I don't want to be disabled anymore, I'm afraid I'm going to be in a motorized chair when i get older. I was already in a wheelchair and i do still walk with a cane when i need it. Its very hard to be 28 and walking with a cane, people look at you like whats wrong or they stare like they have never seen someone with a cane. A few years ago i had a really bad MS attack and i was in a wheelchair for 6 months and then after that i was using a walker, talk about embarrassing. Whenever my legs hurt and Amelia knew it she would rub my legs and ask if i was ok. I was really concerned about Amelia and MS because besides me and her aunt her grandmother also has MS. Doctors aren't sure if MS is hereditary there is proof that supports it that it can be and that scared me. So when i got to the hospital my Nana was making me laugh. She spoke about a doctor that came in to see her and she thought he was handsome with his salt and pepper hair. She was sharing a room with another elderly woman and the lady couldn't figure out how to turn down the volume to her tv. It was LOUD! my Nana kept going oh gosh, oh why is that so loud. I laughed so hard. I wasn't there very long and then i headed over to Phillipsburg NJ to the mall to get a few things for Christmas. I was actually looking for a certain shirt but instead i got a few other things. I took my Aunts home and then i went to the dollar store, got my balloons and headed home. After dinner we did our balloon send off to Amelia. This time i did something different i decided to really write on it, i wrote a long letter to her. Once i was done and we let the balloons go i realized, what if the balloon lands, what if someone reads my letter to my baby. hmmmmm what does happen to balloons when they go up in the air? any answers out there?

Cherish the moments

Its five days before Christmas and we finished decorating our Christmas tree, although we got our Christmas decorations from storage like two weeks ago. I guess i had no motivation but who really has it anymore? Christmas isn't like what it used to be ya know. I never really was a Christmas person though, i love Thanksgiving and i love to cook so it my favorite holiday, and Halloween, if you want to call that a holiday. Anyhow, we finished the tree and Lillian had a blast. She hung all of the candy canes right in a little section on the bottom of the tree. When i saw that, i laughed so hard. Our dog Buttercup stole a candy cane off of the tree as well, even though Lillian was up pretty late doing the tree, it was worth the memories. After losing a child, you look at life totally different. I take every moment with my family and cherish it. Times are tough for all of us and even when Lou and i are at our worst, i still cherish moments. You have to, that person may pass and then you will no longer have those moments to cherish. We just found out that Lou's Uncle Robin is quickly losing his battle with cancer. Like i said, Cherish your moments. I'm still not done with the quilts so what i think i am going to do is finish the kids ones and then take the pieces i have to my moms and Lou's moms and give it to them to show them what i have coming but it is just taking a while. I do have my Aunt helping though. Today was another bad day. I had to take my Nana to the hospital, she is 93 and has emphysema and was having trouble breathing. Turns out she has Double pneumonia. they are going to keep her a few days, she was pissed. She kept huffing and puffing. she clearly did not want to stay. I'm going to say a few extra prayers tonight.

December 19, 2009

So Christmas is just a few days away and i am no where near done Christmas shopping. I did get a few things but there are still a lot of other things i have to get. Most of my family is done because their stuff is being made but i haven't really finished shopping for Lillian. I know i am going to go nuts on presents for Lil this year. I have a budget and its about the same i would have spent on the two girls combined but since Amelia is no longer with us i am going to buy Lilly extra. I look at it like this, i would have spent that amount if Amelia hadn't passed so why stop now and if i were to have more children i would buy for three instead of two because i would have anyway. Does that make sense? The quilts are coming along pretty well but i don't think all of the stuff is going to be done on time. I guess i better get my ass in gear. I'm a little better today as compared to the other day when i had a few break downs. you feel like your moving forward, your doing good and then you have a set back like that and you feel like your back at square one trying to build your strength again. it sucks, i hate it. I often wish that i could just go back to the day Amelia passed and i wish i would have held her a little longer before she went to sleep, i wish i would have checked on her earlier then when i did. I think that i would have caught her in the middle of her seizure and maybe i could have prevented her death. I know that everyone says that no matter what i would have done she would have passed but i think differently. Like i have said before as a Mother, your a protector, a healer, a provider and when i wasn't able to protect her, heal her and provide the help she needed during that time, i have failed. I can honestly say i feel like a failure. Any mother out there I'm sure can relate to me not with the death part but has your child ever gotten hurt or broke a bone and you feel like you could have prevented it? you feel like you have failed your child or failed parenthood. That ache in your heart, the guilt. That's what i feel like every single day. Time for bed, good night Blog world!

December 17, 2009

Today is a better day for me then the last few. I am trying to keep it together by keeping myself busy so that way i don't think about anything. I have a lot going on in my life right now and I'm not really sure where i am going or what i am doing. One day at a time i am told but its hard. I have so much guilt inside me. I know i say this a lot but its true. Why didn't God take me? I would rather him take me and leave my girls. It has really dawned on me today that Lillian is going to grow up to be a only child and i am not happy about that. When i was a little girl i had this envision that i was going to be a mom of many children. I was going to be successful and i was going to be happy. I am non of thee about. i really am not going anywhere in my direction i chose. In my envision i already had a few kids. I am going to have a hysterectomy next month. My endo is so bad that he doesn't want to let it go much longer. which i don't want to be in all that pain anyway. I don't want another laparoscopy either so the next step is hyst. I thought about freezing my eggs. I said this years ago before i got married, before i had children. Everyone laughed at me but i knew. I knew i was going to lose my "womanly stuff" sooner then others. Just like i had a feeling that i needed to keep Amelia closer to me then Lillian and I'm glad i did. I guess i could adopt! i would love to give a child a home that needs one, give a child love who needs it and provide for a child as well. Well i guess i am going to go rest a bit maybe do some laundry and really think where my life is going and what am i going to do. missing you baby face! oh i wanted to quickly wish my sister a Happy 30th Birthday Gretchen, you old fart!

December 14, 2009

I was a complete mess yesterday and i am today as well. Its Monday and that means another week has passed. 34 weeks to be exact. As all of you know she passed on a Monday so Mondays are hard for me. What really gets to me is the memories of her. That's one thing i am really afraid of is losing her memory. She is my precious gem and i don't want to forget that. A lot of people tell me that i will never forget her memory but do me a favor, think back to a childhood memory. Can you remember every single detail? No, you cant. Over time your memory starts to fade. I know that over time i am going to lose part of her memory just like every other memory and i am afraid of that. That's all i have of her is a memory. Today is another rough day for me just like yesterday. Yesterday i found her book bag and today i found some crafty things she made at school for Easter. Ya know, Easter was her last holiday to celebrate. She passed about two weeks after words, well not even but you get the point. I recently wrote in my blogs about the steps or the process of healing and if you remember i put that you may be at step 3 but then you go right back to step 1. Its ok. Today my therapist told me i am strong and that i am an inspiration but am i really? Come on, there's no way. I have said this before, if i didn't have my Lilly, i would have killed myself the week Amelia passed. Lillian is my strength, she is my rock, she is what keeps me going. I have to be strong for her i have to be a mom to her still. Its not her fault and i never want her to think that it is. Today we did our balloon send off like we do every Monday since Amelia's birthday. This is something that helps me send my love to her i think. There is something therapeutic that helps. A lot of people say, you buy three balloons every Monday to let go? Isn't that a waste? No its not, this is for my baby and sometimes i get a big big balloon that is like 10 or 13 dollars, i don't care. It is the only way i have to show my love to Amelia. Until you experience something like i have, you may think differently but for those mothers and fathers who are in my position, you understand. I'm going to go to bed and take a xanx or two. haha, it does help. ex specially with the other meds. Missing you baby girl!!!

A set back

Well i had a set back today, i was doing good. I wasn't thinking about Christmas coming up because i am keeping myself busy with the quilts but then we were supposed to get snow so i decided today to go to our storage bin and get the Christmas stuff, our tree, decorations and so on. Downstairs where our room is at Lou's parents there is also a living room area and a room where there is a bar so i decided to put up our Christmas tree so that way we can have our own Christmas. So i went to storage and i came across some of Amelia's belongings and then i saw it. It killed me! It was her book bag for school. I touched it and i immediately was flooded with memories and emotions. Memories of her going to school, how happy she was at school. I remembered waking up in the morning and getting her ready for school. She loved school. On our way to school she would ask me to turn the radio up and she would sing the songs Taylor Swift, or Miley Cirus or Beyonce. Those were just a few of her favorites but she knew every song. I would pull up to school in my Jeep Cherokee and i would hand her lip gloss and she put it on. I would get her out and as soon as we would hit the front door i was not the important one to her anymore, she was at school. haha She would drop her book bag and run over to where the kids were, she wouldn't even hang it up. I walked over to her and would always ask for a kiss. She would then kiss me and say she loved me and i would leave. Whenever i got into the car i would sit for a sec and i would feel lost. My baby girl is growing up. Shes in school. I then would go home and at times i was clueless. I was angry as well, her book bag really didn't get much attention, she wasn't in school for very long but i do have to be grateful she got to experience it. I grabbed her book bag and i hugged it so tight, tighter then i have hugged anything in a long time. I just want my baby back. i want to hold her, i want to sing to her and dance with her. I want to hear her laugh and see that smile. I want to watch her move her hair out of her face like she did often and i want to see her. When your baby passes a piece of you do as well and i want that back. I want the full me back but the only way i will get it back is if she comes back.