Friday, August 14, 2009

Amelia's Birthday

For weeks now Lou and I were planning a balloon send off on Amelia's 4Th birthday. I knew the day was coming up and each day i grew closer, my heart would ache more. I tried to keep myself busy and focused so that way i really don't have time to think about things but when i am alone at night while everyone is asleep in the house, i think think think and then i break down. I'm not sure why i was picked to go through this type of pain, nobody should go through this. Is this Gods way of telling me I'm strong? Well I'm not! So we planned to have all family and friends join us on her birthday at the field across the street from our house, which we no longer live there because we just moved. I was amazed at the outcome. The send off started at 6:00, over 75 people showed up. People who have never met her, some who met her once, and others who have been there from day one. I was overwhelmed by the amount of support and love that our friends and family have shown. We bought two helium tanks and blew up balloons and i ordered 15 others, happy birthday balloons, princess, cars, pink hearts and so on. I handed out markers for people to write something if they chose on their balloons. All through out the day i received letters from all over the United States. PA, NJ, MA, OR, CO, TX, NC, NY, OH, CA, MO, VA, MD, DE and Canada. Around 6 pm everyone headed towards the center of the open field, everyone stood around in a circle and me, Lou, and Lillian stood in the middle. Balloons in hand i thanked everyone for coming and showing us support and love and i said on the count of 5 we will let them go. Then we counted and let them go. Everyone clapped and wished Amelia a Happy Birthday. I wanted to break down so bad, i wanted to just fall to my knees and lose control of myself, this is my baby, my flesh my blood and i have to celebrate her birthday by letting a fucking balloon go. Oh the Anger, the hurt. I did good though, i kept my cool. I told everyone that there will be food and cake afterwards at Lou's parents house and i thanked everyone for coming. Once i got into the car, i lost it, i had a big cry and it was needed. I was so proud of everyone coming and to watch those balloons go up to Amelia and knowing that all of these people care and miss her makes me feel comforted. The cake we got was beautiful. It said, Although your not here, we miss you so dear. Thinking of you on your special day, Although your not here for us to say, Happy 4Th Birthday Amelia Rose. It had purple roses, her favorite color, and it had butterflies which was a favorite of hers. I made alot of food and i know she was looking down and really enjoyed her family thinking of her. I will never forget!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

August 1, 2009`

So Lou and I decided we need to move. It has been a thing we have been going back and forth about but as long as i am in this house, im not going to be able to live properly. Every time i go past her bedroom door, my stomach turns, i hear the voices of the paramedics in my head and the cries of the people around me. So we have to move! We don't want to because we love this house, its perfect. The place we always wanted and now we have to go. I don't want to leave because the memories and this is the last place Amelia was so i feel another connection but if i don't leave then i can see myself really going crazy and i have to try to keep myself composed for Lillian. Although i do have a ton of break downs and i always will. I started to pack up somethings but i don't want to. I cant go in her room and i don't want to pack her stuff up. Although us moving is a perfect way for me to pack her things up. Her room is still just how we left it that day. Her shoes still the way they were when she took them off by her dresser and her hula hoop on the floor. The day after she passed i went in her room and layed on her bed, i did that a couple days in a row and even read a book out loud to her and Lilly but that didn't last long. I couldn't stomach it, i would break down and i hated the fact that the only kiss i was able to give her was her blanket that was on her bed when she passed. Her pillow and rosary beads are gone. Which reminds me. I sent out over 120 letters to all the neighbors in our area asking them that if they were to go for a walk to keep an eye out for these beads and please return them. They mean so much to me. Theres a story behind them. When i was about 12 i had my communion and my aunt Joan gave me these beautiful crystal clear rosaries. i saved them and slept with them under my pillow for 14 years. about 9 months ago i was laying in me and Lou's bed with Amelia reading her a book and i brought out a box. It was a jewelry box that is my Nanas who is now 92 but inside were these rosaries that were passed down from person to person then to me. I explained the rosaries to Amelia and then gave her mine that i was given when i was younger. They were blessed by the Pope many years ago as well, well i told Amelia to sleep with them under her pillow and i will sleep with mine and that is a way we will always be protected and we will be connected even more with God. The day Amelia passed the detectives took her pillow and the rosaries are now gone. So i thought maybe someones child picked them up along the road or sidewalk but i only got two responses. One from a disabled couple sending their condolences and the other from the neighbors down at the corner offering to do a search in the field across the street. They lost their nephew who was 8 so they felt my pain. Still till this day they are missing.