Black Friday

WOW! Black Friday is insane but i still go every year. I don't know if its because i am a night owl and a morning person. I barely ever sleep and when i do sleep its not for long. I wasn't always like this, it only started when i became diagnosed with MS. Most people need to function with a eight hours of sleep i can function on half of that. I went to sleep about 7 and woke up about 1:30 AM. I got up and went and picked up my deaf Aunt Sally from her house. This was her first time that she ever went shopping on black Friday. She was in for a ride. I then went to my moms house, she was getting ready so i made a cup of tea. I drink hot lipton tea not coffee although time to time i do drink coffee. we headed to Walmart. I got to Walmart and got a cart immediately and headed to my baby dolls section that i needed to be at. Then it was complete chaos! although i got my baby dolls that i was targeted for it was still nuts. i didn't spend that much money, i didn't have a lot either! ha ha. It was rough actually. I saw a ton of things that i wanted to buy for Amelia. I kept saying to myself, "Oh Amelia would have loved that. Meals would have wanted that for Christmas." and so on. Last year for Christmas we wrote Santa a note and told Santa everything she wanted and she wrote one for Lillian too. I pictured Amelia doing that again but this time she would have written it more detailed because of how much she had grown up in a year.

Thanksgiving

So today was thanksgiving. I cooked. I needed to keep myself busy in order to deal with my emotions. I woke up pretty happy I was going to cook an amazing meal and then i am going to go and see my family. Who wouldn't be stoked for something like that. So woke up and started cutting up my veggies and fresh herbs for my turkey. Last night i put my turkey into a brine to make it moist. I stuffed my big fat ass turkey and loaded it with a nice rub of butter and rosemary and thyme. (if you haven't noticed, cooking is a passion of mine and it seems to get me in a good mood- that's why i cook to get my mind off of things). once the turkey was in the oven i started to get my desserts ready to cook in the oven. Well i took my turkey out to baste it and boom it feel on the floor. i was so upset and that was the start of a bad moment for me. I ran down to my room and got dressed, i was going to the store to get some sort of turkey, well i walked out of the house and stomped my feet and then i got into my car and broke down. I lost it, not because of the turkey i was upset, it was the stress of not having my baby, not being able to give her a kiss on a holiday. Instead i kissed her cold urn. that's not the same. Once i gathered my thoughts i went back into the house, washed the turkey off and re stuffed and seasoned and put that bitch back into the oven. Phew! i feel better. anyway, I decided i wasn't going to go to my moms for T day dinner because i was pooped and i wasn't even done cooking, not only that but i knew that she would start to cry and get all emotional and i cant really handle that right now. I cooked for me Lou, Lilly, Lou's mom and dad and his pappy. we ate in the living room at a big table. I know the living room? reason being, we could eat with Amelia since her shelf is there with her urn. It was nice, we did take a family picture next to her shelf afterwards. Although sometimes i don't know the direction my life, family or friendships are going, i always have a picture to have a memory. Lou got Lilly ready for bed and her and i spent sometime together on the floor. I was getting prepared for black Friday. Happy Thanksgiving!!

the process and my process

My post yesterday was a angry post but these are my feelings. This is how it is. I have spoken with a therapist, I've done research, I've read books and it all says the same thing. This is part of the "process". Ive learned over the past few months that there is a process to grieving. there are 5 steps.

1. Denial. Yes everyone is in denial when they lose someone close to them. People that are in denial often go to places and look for the person who passed as if they were still living or they will set the dinner table as if they were coming for dinner. This is the first step and we often come back to it. I still am in denial but I'm starting to move forward with the next step. See with these steps, you move forward two but then you move back one. I still from time to time say Amelia is at her Dads and that's why she is not here. This is my way to cope with the feelings that i am feeling at that moment so instead of dealing with the reality i just tell myself something else so i can get through that moment.

2. Anger. "Why Me?". This is a question i often ask myself or God. why was i chosen to be the one to lose my child? Why not take a elderly person who is suffering, why take my baby. I get angry often, i throw things, i yell i get very upset. I'm a walking time bomb at times because I'm on edge with Amelia passing and anyone out there who has lost a child or a close loved one, you can relate.

3. Bargaining. You tend to bargain with God. Please let my baby come back, i will never sin again. Please bless me with Amelia's soul, send her to me. Begging, praying, wishing for them to come back. Which i have done all of thee above and i still do every night when i say my prayers.

4. Depression. You will become depressed, overwhelmed, Bitter and so on. Who wouldn't be? all my life i struggled with some sort of depression but nothing serious i think it was actually more of a anxiety disorder. i am a hypochondriac as well but with Amelia passing, i am a evil bitch. I really have become heartless. Part of the depression part of this at least for me i always say things about her future. I wont be able to see what she would have looked like when she grew up or what she was going to be. I know she would have been beautiful and would have done something amazing!

5. Acceptance. The last step. this is the hardest i think. I don't think i will ever accept the fact that Amelia is not here. at least i cant see myself but those who have gone through this have told me that this is the hardest but the easiest. Once you accept it, there is a weight lifted off your shoulders.

Another Lonely Monday November 9, 2009

Another Monday here and almost gone. I know i repeat myself alot in this blog but i guess i feel the same. Nothing really went on today, just the usual and i always love how we usually end our evening before Lillian goes to bed. We let three balloons go, its a tradition that we have been doing since Amelia's birthday when everyone came to her balloon send off. I look forward to Mondays for that specific reason, sending her a balloon. I write a message on the balloon and up in the air they go. Lillian knows that we send sissy balloons. Sometimes Lilly kisses her balloon and other times she doesn't. I think people think i am nuts that i send balloons every Monday, but who gives a shit, this is my way of dealing with things and if that is how i deal well then so be it. Lately i have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything. its not easy, its not easy being a mother to one child knowing that another is not with us. I feel guilt too, i know i shouldn't and my therapist has told me over and over not too but i do. I am the mother, the protector, the provider, the food maker, the boo boo kisser, I'm the one who was supposed to make sure she was ok. i have alot of anger inside me right now as i type. I often told Amelia that i would never let anything happen to her. She would say "never mommy" and i would say "never ever ever, baby. I will never let anything happen to you." I feel like i let her down, because i wasn't able to protect her from dying, i wasn't able to bring her back like I'm supposed to. I didn't fix her boo boo. This is what i am dealing with now. The doctors have said that there was no way to stop what happened but, my issue is, if the doctors didn't tell me about SUDEP then why would i believe them if they say there was nothing you could have done. This would have happened no matter what. Do you understand my point. Maybe i am being a bit wacky but these are my true raw feelings and i think its bullshit. I could have saved her, i could have revived her, if i would have done the CPR right.

November 2, 2009

So its been 28 weeks today. I count all the time, how many weeks its been since she passed. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not but i do it. Losing a child has made me look at life a whole lot differently, it has made me in ways be a stronger willed person. I never ever ever wish something like this upon anyone but i feel like there is a reason why this happened to me. I often question myself if i should do something about her death. Should i sue? Would that be a good idea? Should i write to the president or our local congressman and ask for a bill to be signed, so that these doctors are more educated on SUDEP. People need to be aware of SUDEP and that anyone with a seizure disorder or epilepsy, are aware of this horrible monster. Should I start a petition? Should i start a foundation? I WANT to make a difference, i want to make something positive out of Amelia's death. I have to make something positive come out of it. I know i was chosen for a reason and I'm not sure what that reason is yet, but i will figure it out. At night when i lay on my bed my mind goes a mile a minuet. I try not to think about Amelia passing often. If i do think about it, i cry, i have a panic attack, i become angry and i just become a complete mess so i try not to think about it. as soon as it enters my head i tell myself something different. A lot of people think that i am heartless because i don't cry often, but i tell them that they aren't with me when i do have my break downs. I mostly have them when I'm not around people or when I'm alone meaning in the shower, in the car, before bed. I do have breakdowns in a grocery store or at the mall or wherever. The point is, i cant constantly dwell on it, if i do, i wont be able to be strong for myself or my daughter. She is what keeps me going. She is my rock, my strength, my savior.