My post yesterday was a angry post but these are my feelings. This is how it is. I have spoken with a therapist, I've done research, I've read books and it all says the same thing. This is part of the "process". Ive learned over the past few months that there is a process to grieving. there are 5 steps.
1. Denial. Yes everyone is in denial when they lose someone close to them. People that are in denial often go to places and look for the person who passed as if they were still living or they will set the dinner table as if they were coming for dinner. This is the first step and we often come back to it. I still am in denial but I'm starting to move forward with the next step. See with these steps, you move forward two but then you move back one. I still from time to time say Amelia is at her Dads and that's why she is not here. This is my way to cope with the feelings that i am feeling at that moment so instead of dealing with the reality i just tell myself something else so i can get through that moment.
2. Anger. "Why Me?". This is a question i often ask myself or God. why was i chosen to be the one to lose my child? Why not take a elderly person who is suffering, why take my baby. I get angry often, i throw things, i yell i get very upset. I'm a walking time bomb at times because I'm on edge with Amelia passing and anyone out there who has lost a child or a close loved one, you can relate.
3. Bargaining. You tend to bargain with God. Please let my baby come back, i will never sin again. Please bless me with Amelia's soul, send her to me. Begging, praying, wishing for them to come back. Which i have done all of thee above and i still do every night when i say my prayers.
4. Depression. You will become depressed, overwhelmed, Bitter and so on. Who wouldn't be? all my life i struggled with some sort of depression but nothing serious i think it was actually more of a anxiety disorder. i am a hypochondriac as well but with Amelia passing, i am a evil bitch. I really have become heartless. Part of the depression part of this at least for me i always say things about her future. I wont be able to see what she would have looked like when she grew up or what she was going to be. I know she would have been beautiful and would have done something amazing!
5. Acceptance. The last step. this is the hardest i think. I don't think i will ever accept the fact that Amelia is not here. at least i cant see myself but those who have gone through this have told me that this is the hardest but the easiest. Once you accept it, there is a weight lifted off your shoulders.