Monday, May 25, 2009
For those who know me, know that I am a big fan of the Food Network. I love to watch cooking, I love to cook, and to learn about different cultures when it comes to cooking. The food network provides all of these and more. During the day, after Dora the Explorer, Diego, Wonderpets, Sesame Street and so forth, I would watch the Food Network. I watched all the shows, 30 min meals with Rachel Ray, Paula Deen, Bobby Flay, Diners Drive ins and Dives, Guys big bite, Unwrapped, Good Eats with Alton Brown, Barefoot Contessa, Everyday Italian with Giada D, and Emeril Live with Emeril Lagasse, so on. These are the shows i like, these are what i watch. Amelia would watch these shows with me, they interested her and from the time she could talk she would repeat what they would say. They would say Olive oil she would call it oliboil, ha ha. She knew how the people were, accept when Emeril would come on she would always ask who that was and i would always tell her. I think the cooking shows really inspired her to be in the kitchen with me. We made a few things together and she enjoyed it. When i found out Emeril was coming to Bethlehem, my home town to do a book signing and he was opening a new restaurant in our area, I was stoked. Finally i get to meet someone from the food network. Emeril is big! The day of the book signing you had to get up early and be outside in line to get a wrist band. I made it there and i was number 59 in line. I was impressed with myself. So proud. I got my books and my wrist bands and was all set for later tonight for the book signing. Only getting a few hours of sleep, if you have been reading my blog you will know that i haven't slept much since Amelias passing. I found out during my wait in line that Emeril is accepting gifts and that he loves children's art work. I knew what i had to do. During a episode of Emeril Live, Amelia was drawing a picture. I knew i was going to give it to Emeril. Louie got the picture ready which was already in a beautiful frame, 11x17 frame, so it was pretty big. We put one of Amelias pictures in the corner of the frame for Emeril. Standing in line seemed like forever, even though we had our wrist bands. Finally, we are next in line. His representative took the art work and i explained to her that this is my daughters picture and she just passed away 4 weeks ago. The girl sympathised with us and said it was beautiful. We walked up to his table, and he said hi, i said hi and then he said who should i make this out to. Gave him my name and then held the art work up for him. I said Emeril, this is a piece of art work that my daughter drew while watching Emeril Live, he said would you like me to autograph it, and i said no i would rather you have it, she passed away 4 weeks ago and it would mean a lot to me if you had it. He was honored, he wrote out the other three books and my mom told him we have reservations at his new place on Saturday night at 9 pm. He said please make sure you say hi and let me know your there. I will remember you, He then shook our hands and once again apologised for our loss. I couldn't believe it, i met Emeril and he now had a picture that my baby drew. I know if she was here she would have been even happier than i was.
Monday, May 18, 2009
There are so many people out there that judge other people. I am one of them which since Amelias passing i am trying to change. Its a shame that if we see someone with big baggy pants on and a ban dana on his head we automatically lock the car doors or if we see someone who has a pair of ripped jeans and a t shirt on we think they are dirty, or if someone who has a fancy car and a nice handbag we automatically say their rich or a gold digger. This is when my reality hit. Recently i wrote up a letter about Amelia and her rosary beads that were missing. The detective when he left the home lost them and they are not in the home. We live across the street from a field where the detective was parked so i had asked our neighbors if when they are taking their nightly walk if they would please keep an extra eye out for them and if they were found to please return them. I sent out 80 to our neighbors. Well I sent them out on Friday and on Saturday i got a response from our one neighbor . She was drinking and reaked like booze, her husband was a bit smelly and you could tell they werent in a a sober state of mind, but that did not stop them. They got on their hands and knees, in the dark with it starting to rain and searched. They didnt care about posion, or bugs, or snakes or even getting struck by lightning, they cared about finding my babys rosary beads. This opened my eyes to a whole new world. A place that there will be no more judgement, it doesnt mean i am not going to think things of people but i will no longer talk about people i do not know or even smerk at them. I was ashamed of myself. How could i let myself get to be like this. How dare i judge someone that is here in my yard, putting their heart and soul into finding this for me. So here goes.....To better myself i must apologise to all of those peole out there that i have sinned against. First i would like to apologise to my husband for the horrible things i have said to him in the past, for the things i have accused him of or the way i have treated him, forgive me. I want to apologise to my sisters, both Madeline and Gretchen, Gretchen for being jealous of you and speaking in a bad manner about you and Madeline for talking trash about you, I have done and said alot of horrible things Madeline and im sorry. To my Brother Paul, im sorry for the way i was to you and im sorry for never understanding who you were, and not accepting who you were. I want to apologise to my mom for talking about how bad of a mother you were when we were kids and in recent how i dont agree with the things you do in your life and how i talked badly about you. I want to apologise to my in laws, my mother in law and father in law for talking about how you need to cut the rope on your children and how i was intimidated by my mother in law and how at one point i thought she didnt like me. im sorry i spoke badly about how you cant cook or how your laundry detergent stinks. I want to apologise to my father in law for always bitching about how he did this or that and talking badly of him. I want to apologise to my husbands Aunt pat for talking badly about her and at one point wishing at one point she would lose everything in her life because she made us lose all of our stuff by evicting us for no reason when she just didnt want to fix items in the home, im sorry for bad mouthing you over the house situation and saying that you were the reason why we had mice and so forth. I want to apologise to all my cousins out there, im sorry for talking about how you never sucseeded and im sorry for not staying in contact. Im sorry to my Aunt Val and my Aunt Deb for saying you were trashy, well i said that about Aunt Deb, i said my Aunt Val was married too much and making fun of her. I want to say sorry to my Grandmother on my dads side for saying she was a horrible old miserable woman and how she smells and never brushes her teeth. I want to say im sorry to Lous Cousin Joey for getting on his case and blaming him for something he didnt even do, I want to apologise to my dad for not giving him the time or chance to tell me what was really on his mind, i just shut you out and didnt ask if you wanted to be a part of our wedding. I want to say im sorry to Amelias dad for talking horribly about him and calling him names of fat and lazy and crooked eyed. I want to say im sorry to my dad for not having him walk me down the isle, and i want to apologise to lillian and Amelia for punishing them or a tap here and there on their hands for not listening, or a tap on Amelias butt for not doing as told. i am sorry to any person i have ever hurt, talked badly about, made fun of,any person with a disability that i laughed at or made fun of or judged. there are so many people i havent named and i will when the time is right but every person i did talk about, every person that is in your life and mine is a blessing and i am thankful for my blessings.
Nobody ever said it was going to be easy but nobody ever told me it was going to be this hard. I still dont understand why. I always ask alot of questions and i always question myself. Not just questions about Amelia and her passing but about myself. Why do i have MS. Why did my daughter pass away, why do my eyes hurt me all the time, why do people do dumb things. I always sit and try to think of reasons but i never come to a conclusion. I guess i will never know either. I hate waking up in the morning and not hearing her, sometimes i tell myserlf that she is on vacation when i start to think of things. Today was a ok day i guess, i had my moments. Lastnight was a bad night for me though. I just held on to Louies shirt and balled my eyes out, i tried to stop a couple times but i told myself to let it all out. Everyday that goes by i cry and every moment that goes by i miss her and that will never change. We went yard saling on Saturday and Louie was going to buy her a wrestler, she loved WWE wrestling, it was hard to not get it. I fucking hate it! I want to scream out loud, i want to punch and kick and just do everything possible to get this hurtful anger out, but i dont. I think of trying to be poise and strong, but inside i am as weak as can be. Since all of this i have decided to try to better myself as a person and try to ask for forgiveness for the sins i have sinned against people which will be in my next blog. It is going to be all about apologies to all those i have hurt and dont know it. I went to Sonic today, never ate there before and i thought about how much Amelia would have loved it. She would have said it was like the movie Cars. Oh she loved that movie. Watched it tons of times to the point where she could recite it. The day she passed we were supposed to watch it when she woke up from her nap. I still question myself about what if i did this different, what if it wasnt a seizure, what if it was this and i could have prevented it, it sickens me to my stomach thinking about it. Sometimes when Lou and i are in the car and i start to think about it, i yell at him to tell me a story to get my mind off of it. Sometimes it works and other times it doesnt. I miss her! Any mother can relate in a way maybe not with the fact of losing a child but as a mother you have that unconditional love, as compared to a father a mothers love is stronger. You carried that child, nurished that child, raised that child and then to have that taken away from you, it is heart wrenching. I have had a few people tell me i feel your pain, but unless your a mother who lost a child you really cant but as a mother in general you can. Does that make sense. We take so many things for granite in our lives that when they are taken away we realize. So to all of those who read these blogs regurdless if your a mom, dad, aunt, unlce what have you, before you go to bed if you have children, kiss them extra, hug them tighter or take that moment to read the book. If you dont have children and have a sibling or nieces or nephews or just significant other, take an extra moment and show them that you appreciate them. This is important because you may never see that person again. Never go to sleep angry and i dont have to say way, you know. Good night, God Bless and Love to all!
Friday, May 15, 2009
So today is Friday. Another day in my book but an exciting day for others. My mission today is to finish up these flyers and get them in the mail. About a year ago, i was laying with Amelia in my bed, we were talking, doing our prayers when i figured now should be the time to show Amelia mommys rosary beads and explain what they are. I had two sets, one pair of crystal ones from when i made my first communion and the other are from my grandmother who those were her mothers and so fourth. They are old. The newer ones were blessed by the Pope years ago when he was in NY. I gave her the ones that were blessed and i told her, put these between your pillow and pillow case at night and when we do our prayers we will hold them and as long as they are under your pillow you will be safe. She loved it, thought it was the greatest. Everynight we did prayers, and our nightly routine. Then one day we were at Giant and i got her one of those things out of the machines where you pay 50 cents. It was a rubber ducky, a tiny one, Then i got her another one. That night when we did our prayers she gave me her one duck and said you sleep with this under your pillow and ill sleep with mine. I cried, she wasnt your average 3 year old that is for sure. Well in the mixed of all of the comotion that was going on, on April 20, 2009, The detective that took Amelias pillow didnt know that there were those items in her pillow case and they are lost. I came home from the hospital and was horrified, they are gone, those are my babys items, the sentimental value is big. We all searched high and low, we looked everywhere, the tiny baby duck was found but not the rosary beads. So i went and printed up over 80 flyers, got all the addresses around our house and i am going to send these flyers out. They explain the story and the rosary beads. There is a big field across the street from our house and that is where the duck was, that is where the detective was parked and that is where my mother in law found a tag with our address on it. Our neighbors have kids that play in that field and walk through and people take walks passed our house. It just asks that when they take a walk to keep an extra eye out and if they were to find them to please bring them home so we can sleep a bit safer like she said she did. Well i am going to go put them in the envelopes and stamp them and out to the mail they go. This will take me about an hour so that is an hour that i will be busy so my mind wont be able to wonder, thank goodness.
There are so many things i want to do and now to keep my mind off of things i am doing them. Writing a blog does help, but it just gets the stuff out. I go see a therapist which i did before Amelia passed, I struggled with Post Pardom depression really bad after i had Lillian so i have been seeing a therapist over a year. There are a few things i want to do, one of them is start a foundation, Lou and i both want to make a difference so he and I are looking into starting one up. This would be in the honor of our daughter Amelia, and it would be for families that cant pay for a funeral. I know we didnt have life insurance on Amelia or Lillian. I never thought about it and if it wasnt for people and their generousity, family and friends we would be in the hole. Thank you so very much to those out there that have donated. I know there is some out there but i dont think there is enough of them. Maybe we can start one in the name of Amelia and it could be for anyone who passes away. Maybe give them a credit of 3000 towards the amount due if they qualify. Obviously were not going to give to someone who is famous or has a ton of money but maybe other mothers who loose their children. Its so unexspected, it really is. You dont plan for your children to pass, i know i didnt. I am now petrified to go in and check on lillian because im afraid of how she may pass too, but i told my mom i know God did not put me on this Earth to bury both of my girls. We also talked about starting up a little diner, drive in or Dive restaurant. That was one of our dreams when we got together. I always wanted one when i was a kid and so did he, i found it amusing that we share the same dream. We talked about naming it after amelia but something with a twist. When she was alive we talked about it too and she always said she wanted one like Geekers, that is the local Drive in by us. That was her favorite place to eat. When they heard the horrible news they were devistated. The owners cried, they knew Amelia because every sunday we would go in for dinner and ice cream, or sometimes just milk shakes. Recently they put up a story of how they lost their favorite customer and they also put out a donation box. I couldnt belive it, how nice was that. Thank you to all those people out there that have donated money to our family and to the funeral services. Thank you and may God bless you and your family.
Ok so it has been a couple weeks since Amelias passing and i thought i was doing ok. Some of the memories from when Lou and I found her were starting to fade but still there. I knew what she looked like and so forth but the details were faded, and I didnt mind that of course. Who would, who really wants to remember all the horrific details. Well yesterday Lou rented this movie Taken. Which I didnt start watching with him until my sister had to use the bathroom. She stopped over on her lunch break. I really got into the movie and so did she. ha ha. Then she had to leave to go back and it was just Lou and I. The movie was really really good, great action until the main character walked into a room where a girl was D. UGH, the picture of that girls face immediately brought back every little tiny detail, Like when i was giving Amelia CPR and i blew in her mouth and foamy blood came out of her nose which i then wiped off with my sleeve of my sweatshirt and kept going. I had to move fast, but no matter what it was too late. Anyway, I lost it. I told lou to please turn off the tv and i cried for hours. I told Lou i am sticking to Food Network, Extreme home makeover, kids shows and funny ones. NOthing that is going to bring back those horrific memories. He kept apologising but it wasnt his fault. That night, this was on Tuesday today is Thursday. Then Tuesday night, and Wednesday night i was a complete wreck. We went to my moms house where my aunt is staying to watch my moms dogs while my mom is on vacation. We bought pizza and hung there just so we didnt have to go home. Then when we were headed home i made up an excuse to go get a news paper so that way we could kill time. Lou hates coming home. It is too much here. We decided we need to move. I cant look in her room without being sick to my stomach. The night she passed after we got home from the hospital around 7 ish. My sister Gretchen was here, and Lou, I went back in her room, made her bed cleaned it like it used to be and the thing that blew me away was, even though there was tons of comotion going on in her room with all the paramedics and police officers, her hoola hoop and shoes stayed exacly in the same exzact spot. I remember her picking up the hoola hoop and saying watch me mom, and she tried to do it but the space was too small. I said its too small in here to do that baby, and her famous line was I know that. ha ha ha.. she had additude too. Her hoola hoop laid on the floor next to her dresser and her shoes were put perfectly side by side inside the hoola hoop. It is going to be rough changing houses but i belive it is the only way louie and i can get through this.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Today we woke up and it was Louies birthday. My hubs is 27, and getting old. I laugh at him alot because he jokes how i am an old lady, mind you i am a year older. He has been my rock through all of this, but today i could see he was having a hard day. When it came to birthdays, Amelia was always stoked. She would sing and make pictures and want to do all kinds of things for lou or my birthday , or anyone for that matter. I gave him a card with a little note in there that i wrote from Amelia. It talked about how he was the greatest step dad and how if she was here she would sing happy birthday to him, or she would sit and watch wrestling, or go to valley. He was really close with Amelia at times and i am glad that he got to experience her love like i did, and her milestones with me. I had lous family over to celebrate, and as we were singing happy birthday, there was something missing. It didnt feel right and he and i both knew and felt it. i watched him try to blow the candles out, and he stopped, his face sunk in like he was going to cry. I could tell it was hitting him hard, shortly after cake everyone left. I had to leave to get ketchup but i was glad, nothing against his family , i just needed to get out, there was alot of amelia talk and it was too much. I cried on my way to the store to get ketchup. I looked up at the sky hoping her little face would pop out from a cloud and say im watching you. It didnt, of course. nobody spent that night lastnight and it was a really hard night. I cried and had the worst anxiety attack ever. I was ok until i closed my eyes and that vision of her, and her face and the blood and UGH! i was hitting myself in the head beggin lou to get it out of my mind, he tried to change the subject and talk but nothing will ever make that go away. I want the memory of before she went to bed not when i checked on her. Well tonight Joey is here to spend that night so i am hoping i may get a little rest, i am going to go write in my book now and hopefully get rest.
Another week has passed and another day i cry. I am having a bad day today. I dont understand. I dont get why she had to go. I was a good mom, I dont do drugs but yet i feel like i am being punished. There are people out there that dont want their kids but yet have 8 or 9 and use abortion as a birth control. There are elderly people out there who have lived long joyful lives and want to go but yet my daughter was 3 1/2 and didnt get to live her life to the fullest. Maybe everyday she did but you get what i mean. Today is a rough one and maybe because yesterday was mothers day and i saw my neices. Oh boy it crushed me. I didnt think it was going to be hard. You see both of my neices Avery and Kaylynn they were BFF's of Amelias. Avery was at my moms house and when i hugged her, i held her extra tight because she is the same exact build of Amelia. I wanted to hold on longer and just ball my eyes out, but i couldnt because i felt like everyone was staring at me. I stayed for 10 min, at my moms because it was too much. I got in my car and cried the whole way to the store. I picked up what we needed at the store and i figured it was later in teh day so i f we went to Lous moms house Kaylynn would have left already so it wouldnt have been so hard. We pulled up and they were still there. I didnt want to get out of the car. I said to Lou, i cant do this again to myself. I got out anyway and sucked it up. I walked in and my heart sunk in my chest. Oh how i wished my baby was here to wish me a happy mothers day, Lilly is too young yet. Im jealous and i guess i have a right to be. I could hear her right now telling me non stop happy mothers day mommy, over and over again in her squeaky lispy voice. Oh i love that voice. The whole time we were sitting at Lous moms i felt my stomach turning and that was my nerves. Why am i doing this to myself, so his sister and neice left and i got sick and had to go home. We came home for a bit and then went to his grammys, oh what a sweet woman she is. She lost her husband about a year ago and now more then ever i feel connected to her because she went through what i am going through but not in the same sense. Time heals all wounds they say but i say bullshit. Nothing is going to heal this wound. I was happy to spend mothers day with my little lil though. She and Amelia gave me a card and a beautiful necklace that has Amelias birthstone in it. As selfish as it sounds i wanted the mothers day gift that she would have made at school. Kaylynn was telling me how she was the big cheese which at school you get your picture up on the wall and you have your pictures and your favorite things on there. It crushed me, i was so proud of her but Amelia always talked about being the big cheese, i came home tonight and i walked over to her urn and i said your my big cheese, and i am so proud of you. It sucks that i have to rub a puter urn to feel sort of connected to my child. It aches my fucking heart.
Well its day 14, where to begin. It is now 14 days since i heard your little lispy voice. Her words cuddle with me are still fresh in my head, her sweet butterfly kisses. UGH! each night at bedtime i always had a special routine with my girls, after tubby i would read them a story in Amelias room, each had a drink. I would then go in Lillians room, rock her back and forth in my arms for a few seconds and then lay her down in her crib. i would then go back into Amelias room, her and I had this special thing. Butterfly kisses, eskimo kisses, and then i would kiss her three times and say goodnight. I would also tell her Angels are watching you, Jesus loves you, mommy, Lou and Lilly do too. Sometimes we would cudle and i would rub her back. She would ask me if i was cold, that was her way of saying she wanted me to get under the covers with her. 14 days ago my biggest fear came alive. Something that i would never wish on anyone. I experienced a nightmare that some people will never have to experience and i wish that on nobody. You know, when a child is younger all moms obsess about sids. I know i did, you dont think that something like this is going to happen to your three year old. All my life i feared death. I was always scared to fall asleep because i feared that i was not going to wake up. Well now, losing my little girl has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I dont take things for granite anymore, i dont let moments pass by like i did before. And im no longer fearing death because i know that when i pass, i will be with my little girl again, and im sorry to say but i cant wait to hold her again. I thought that each day that goes by it should get easier, but everyday is harder and harder. MOthers day is coming up, something Amelia was excited about, Lous birthday is coming up which Amelia would loved, and Our anniversary is coming up, and I dont want to celebrate. every morning i wake up i still open Amelias bedroom door and i do a quick look to see if she is going to pop up out of her bed and say Hi mom, good morning. She was always happy to see me. Alls i want to do is watch hannah montana or cars the movie and hold my little girl. I need to leave this house because it is just too hard here, but she loved this house and we have so many good memories. Im torn. I want to try to be the best mom i can be for lillian but i cant and my little girl i feel like is suffering. I wish there was somthing to take all of this back, if i could jump in one of those time machines like erkle did on Family matters and just go back a few weeks. Each night i need to have someone sleep here so i have ease in my mind that there are four people in this house. There were two nights that there was nobody but Lou me and lilly and i slept 5 hours in two days. I am physically and emotionally drained and i wish there was something to take this pain away. Im not sure what lies ahead for my family, whats left of it but as a mother i speak to all of you moms out there. Take an extra moment with your children. Stop worrying about the wash or the dishes or the crumbs on the floor, hold your pee an extra second and spend some time with your children. Read them an extra book or hug them tighter, or give them that little piece of chocolate that they want but you dont want to give it to them because it will rot their teeth or get their clothes dirty. Those moments are the ones that mean the most, If i would have know that Fancy Nancy and the Posh Puppy was the last book i read Amelia i would have read her one before it, or made it more exciting. Live every moment with your children like its the first. Cherish your children because they truly are a blessing. Good night and God Bless
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Today is day 7, exactly one week from the day Amelia passed away. I woke up this morning and did my usual. Went to the bathroom , took my meds, but something was different. Its 8:45 in the morning. She was still alive at this time last Monday. I had her in time out, UGH, if i only would have kept her in my arms a little longer. I got Lillian breakfast and we both said good morning to Amelias ashes. Every morning i walk over to her shelf i have her on and kiss her urn, touch her picture and talk to her. Sometimes i feel like i am crazy talking to a shelf, hoping that it will talk back to me. Im supposed to have a few visitors today, my friend nicole, her sister, and maybe someone else. I need company, i need people around, if not i will go crazy. I cleaned the house and got dressed. We had to step out for a bit but then stopped at WAWA for lunch. I looked at the clock again, 11:30, She was still alive. I was making lunch this time last Monday. Chef boyrd, she had lasagne and lillian had ravioli. I rinsed off some of the sauce that day because they make their stuff too saucy, Amelia always like it that way. While they were eating lunch last Monday i kept walking to the bathroom and coming out, i was fixing my makeup and Amelia was telling me how beautiful i was and how she loved her lunch. After our order was done at WAWA we headed home where an old friend of mine was, Alexis. Her and i lost contact but sine Amelias passing she has been a good friend. Alexis walked over to the door and asked if i had a dog, yeah we have buttercup i said, and told her ill put her away in the room so she wont bother her. We got in the house and settled, started to eat our sandwhiches and Nicole came with her newest baby boy Eli and her hubs Bruce. Nicole has been my BFF for over 14 years, Nicole and Alexis are sisters, Nicole and I stayed in contact. We have been through everything to gether. I quickly ate my sandwhich or else i wouldnt eat it if i took my time. It was good! Then I looked at the clock again, 12:45. UGH, this was around the last time i heard her say I love you, I layed her down at 12:49. Nicole told me to stop looking at the clock but i couldnt help it. This time On monday of last week, I sat on her bed, leaned over and gave her a kiss on her lips. " OOh your lips are dry, lets put some chap stick on them so they are not dry anymore, i said to her. Ok mommy she said. Then i put the chap stick on her lips, then threw the chapstick in her princess basket she has on her shelf by her bed and leaned over and said ok its time to go to sleep. " Mommy can we watch the movie of Cars, she said. I said, "when you get up from your nap, we will watch it." She said Ok, and then asked, Mommy will you cuddle with me?" I said, not right now baby, mommy is going to go in the living room and get something to eat, im hungry." She said ok, and then i said i love you, and she said i love you too. She rolled over on her side facing her wall. She snuggled in her bed and i started to walk away. "Good night, ill see you in a few ok baby",I said. "ok mommy, i love you," she said. "i love you too, good night." I then closed her door tight. I sat down on the couch and finished watching the Rachel Ray show i TVOd earlier. I then got up, got my shoes on and went to Giant. I needed just a few thing, I told Amelia we were going to go grocery shopping when she got up but i needed a few things right now. There was no food in the house. I talked to lou the whole time i was shopping and he asked me to come home. He wasnt feeling good, lately he would black out and stuff so i got a bit worried. I finished up at Giant and came home. I got in and he went out of the house, got the bags and then he wanted to fix something on the car. I put just a few items away and grabbed myself a pop tart, a bowl of pretzels and a kitkat bar. I sat down on the couch. I looked at the clock it was 1:35. I took a bite of my pop tart, but didnt like it and got another one. I sat back down, took a new bite of my fresh pop tart, mmm. that is good. I took a sip of my soda and lou waked in the house. One of the girls are coughing, i jumped up. Anytime we hear anything coming from any of the girls rooms we automatically think of Amelia because she had seizures. I said to Lou, You check on Lillian ill check on Amelia. He went in lillians room, but she was fine, so i reached my hand out for the door knob. Ill go in, said Lou, I said no i will. I opened the door, Lou right by my side. I peeked my head in the door and saw her laying there but it looked like her face was covered by her hair. I said, shes fine, shes sleeping and went to close the door. Then something in my stomach said go check on her again. So i opened the door and walked over to her, lou was in the door way. I tapped on her sholder, Amelia, Amelia wake up its mommy. then i noticed her face was in the pillow. Oh gosh, my stomach started to turn, my heart started to pound. i rolled her over and then i let out the loudest, harshest scream anyone could ever imagine. OH MY GOD, SHE IS D***, She is blue. Her eyes, her lips, her face was blue and bloody. Call 911 lou. While lou was on the phone with 911, I picked her up and layed her on her floor. Her hands were blue too. Lou came over and touched her, "She is warm, she is sweating'" he said. I touched her head. SHe is warm, I yelled. he told the woman on the phone how she is warm, he said to listen for a heartbeat, I put my head on her chest to listen to a heartbeat, Still to this day i swore i heard it in a far distance. I think so i said. Tilt her head back, pinch her nose and blow in her mouth. I took my sleeve and wiped the blood off of her mouth, tilted her head back and blew in her mouth. I am going to revive my baby, I dont know what i am doing but just tried to remember what i learned 10 years ago. I blew once and this foamy stuff came out of her nose, i wiped it off and blew again. It was like blowing in a balloon. Her chest raised up and all. I heard a gurgling noise. Then i took my hands and started to pump. 1,2,3,4,5. I was told to do 30 pumps. Once i got to 28 the paramedics showed up. They came running in her room and pushed me out of the way. They started CPR right away and started to cut her clothes off. She has a seizure disorder, i was just checking on her while she was napping, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Get the mom out of here, the one EMT guy said. So i went with a woman paramedic into lillians room. They were working on Amelia and i was not allowed to see it. The Paramedic kept asking me questions, what happened, how did you find her, is she allergic to anything, is she on any meds, any disorders and so on. Then a cop came in and asked me questions, the same ones. I held so tight to the paramedics arm and i said to her, Please dont let my baby die, please help her. She reassured me that they are in there working on her and that they are going to do their best, but she is unsure of the situation. What happened, i was shaking, i was sick. what the fuck happened. My father in law came in and her just grabbed me and said what happened. i dont know dad, he ehld me tight and started to cry. Then they asked me her name. Its Amelia i said, and i heard them say her name. shes alive, she is ok, they are talking to her. oh thank goodness. I thought. My other baby, Lillian, I looked over in Lillians crib. She was sitting up, just looking at me with this look like what is going on. I touched her head and i said everything is going to be ok baby. The paramedics had her on a stretcher in the hallway, they said they were taking her to the hospital, St Lukes and i could ride but they rather i dont. So i said no i will follow, They took off. Sirens were going and all. I stood for a second in the hallway and looked at the cop that was looking in her room. Please tell me she is ok, he said im not sure what is going on with her and they will take care of her. Then a paramedic came in and i said to him , please tell me my baby is not D***. Tell me she is alive and going to be ok. He said i really dont know and then on the floor was her undershirt that they had cut off of her. I went to grab it and he said, oh ill take care of that, and i said no that is her shirt, and he said i really dont think you want this and put it in his hand with the garbage and walked in to her room to clean up a bit. I rushed and got my purse, took a pill and headed out. We ran to the car and pulled out of the driveway. There was a man getting out of his car who was walking to our house and my mother in law had showed up. we headed down the street. I called my mom, MOm, whats the matter, Mom my baby, my baby Amelia is not breathing, she is on her way to St lukes. Oh my god im on my way. That was at 2:15. The whole car ride i kept screaming, why god why, i said the Our father prayer twice, and begged for my baby to be ok. Please God, please dont take my baby away from me, not yet. My sister Gretchen called me and told me that a woman by the name of Linda would be waiting for me. we parked and ran to the front door, we went right in and through the ER doors to the Trama unit. There were about 10 doctors and nurses, in yellow and blue. They were pumping her chest and counting, they gave her a shot of something. Lou was holing one hand and gretchen the other. We started to yell, come on baby wake up, come on Amelia you can do it. please baby wake up. Linda walked over to me and said, Stacy, the doctors have been working on Amelia for a while now and there is no rythmic heartbeat, they are going to do the best they can. Shock her, i said, shock her bring my baby back. She said im sorry stacy there has to be a heart beat to shock her and htere is none. we are doing our best and we will try for a bit longer. My heart sank into my feet. MY eyes got blurry, what do you mean i dont understand. She will breathe i swear. They sat me down in a chair, and i waited and listened, 1,2,3,4,5,6, no pulse. Then a doctor came over to me and said im sorry stacy there is nothing more we can do, we have tried for over and hour. All the doctors and nurses just looked at me. That is when it sunk in. OH GOD NO!!! i put my head down and lost it. Thats my baby, my princess, my little girl. WHat the hell why? They told me i could go over to her but i have to keep her warm. So i just kept touching her, rubbing her hair and touching her face, kissing her and looking at her. Everyone started to come in, my brother, step dad, sister in law, my in laws, everyone. WHY GOD WHY? WHY TAKE MY LITTLE GIRL? i told the doctors who were staring at me how she wanted to be an austronaunt, she was an artist and just amazing. I then got up on the table and i laid next to her, I dont want to leave her side. This is my baby and i feel like i could have prevented it. Im her mom im supposed to protect her. Im not supposed to be here with my daughter being d***. Im supposed to be gone not her. Then Linda asked me to step out of the room for a bit, the corener had to do somethings . So i sat in a room and other people came, lous cousin joey and his aunt helen, My dad and step mom, my cousin jessica, and my aunt val and aunt deb. My grandmother, and grandfather, Tom and laura, Madeline my sister, my friend nicole, and a few others. Linda said then that a detective wanted to talk to me and the corener. WTF a detective, do they think i did something wrong. You just told me my daughter is D*** and you want to talk to me, what kind of heartless fucking person are you. They said it was procedure and that they were going to talk to Lou and Tom too. I went into one of the rooms with them and they asked what happened, anyone not like amelia and so on. I was sick to my stomach, i just wanted to go back and be with my baby. Then we needed to talk about arrangements. I dont want to do this, no im not. After being interrigated by that asshole i was allowed to go back and see her one more time. They had her wrapped up tightly to where only you could see her face and a bit of her hair. Everyone came in one last time and then david did a blessing on her, and we said a prayer. There was still a doctor in the room watching us. why do all these people have to be in here and watching us.I told david i should have checked on her earlier, i would found her. he said it was meant to be and i shouldnt blame myself, which i do. I walked out to the other room after i said my goodbyes and kisses and touched her and then i sat down. The doctor who was working on her walked in and said im terribly sorry for your loss but if there is anything i can do please dont hesitate to ask, his eyes were red, you could tell it even crushed him to see a little 3 year old girl pass away. We left the hospital around 6:15 and went home. I cried the whole way home and so did Lou. I told him i dont want to go back to that house, Gretchen was coming over though which made me a feel a bit at ease. I got home and it just felt empty, i was sick! my first born is gone. I went into her room and started to pick up the pieces, i made her bed and then just sat there staring at her bed, Gretchen walked in and came right back to the room. She held my arm and just said i am so sorry stacy, i dont know what to say. What can you say. This story plays over and over in my head and everytime i look at the clock and i see the time i cant help but think about it. After we were done eating WAWA i went into the living room and started to put more pictures in frames. Alexis had to leave and nicole and bruce were hanging out still. i need company. My cousin Christa stoudt was gonna spend the night so we werent alone. Angela was still here too. The day was pretty much a blur and i couldnt get taht horrible picture ot of my mind of her being blue and blood and that smell of chef boyord..we will never have that in our home again. I thought back again to Monday and how proud of her i was for eating all of her lunch and then she asked for a cookie which i proudly gave to her. She also gave Lillian her dora jewelry box, she said she was a big girl and she didnt need it anymore. I hugged her so tight for that. After everyone left and Christa and Angie were settled down ready for bed, Lou and i walked into Amelias room. We both held eachother and cried and then gave her sheets a kiss and went into our room. Night time is the worst for me, i cant breathe and alls i do is rock back and forth back and forth, I cant sleep nothing. I held her stuffed animal and closed my eyes.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Last night i didnt sleep very well. Knowing today was the day i burry my little girl. Nobody ever thinks that their child is going to pass away before them, but i guess sometimes we dont live in the reality of things either. I woke up this morning and My mom was getting ready to leave. She spent the night lastnight. I gathered a bunch of things that needed to go to the funeral home for her. She gave Lilly and me a kiss goodbye and headed out. I got lillians things ready because a Marlane, Mandys mother in law, was watching her today. I decided to clean my house, when im stressed i clean. I guess in a way it can be a good thing. I never have a messy house when my husband and i are fighting or when i am stressed out. I finished cleaning about 900 ish and marlane was coming at 930 AM and the car was supposed to pick us up at 10:15. I jumped in the shower and got myself dressed. I didnt wash my hair, did the old baby powder trick again, no make up, so i was ready in a matter of min. Marlane came and so did my in laws. After Lillian was on her way to marlanes, the car showed up. My heart sank and my stomach turned. I dont want this. I dont want to go, i told Lou. I cant do this. i kept saying. he said, no stacy we have to. I was sick. How can i go to my babys funeral. How can i honestly, look at people and say thank you for coming, i dont want to thank them i want to punch all of them in their stupid faces. They still have their children, old and young. How can i smile at them, i dont want anyone to touch me, i dont want to go. I searched for my sunglasses, i was not leaving with out them, then i asked out loud. Amelia, help mommy find them, lead me to them baby, please. Then i found them, underneath and behind the computer. I was amazed! i gathered my stuff, amelias littlest pet shop stuffed animals and her taggy blanket and i headed out the door. The weather was beautiful, a day Amelia would love, a day for the park. I got in the car and i looked at my home. I thought to myself, What the fuck! This is just unbeliveable, she is still alive, she is going to wake up. We pulled away and headed towards the funeral home. This is it, i said to Lou, we then held eachothers hands tighter than we ever have before. The whole ride there, i was figity, my heart was pounding, i was having hot and cold flashes. I decided the best thing to do was to take an anxiety pill and a stomach pill and a pain pill. I was covering all angles. We pulled up to the home, and i looked around, i saw my siblings cars all parked. I looked at Lou and i said, I dont want to get out, I cant do this Louie. he said, I know baby but we have to and this is for our little girl. Whenever he refered to Amelia as our little girl, it just touched my heart. Made me smile. I walked down the hall and i said to him i cant go in there yet, i cant see her in a casket yet, no way. Owen the funeral director, opened up a private room for us. I felt sick, i was going to vomit. I swear it! my mom always made things a little harder because her reactions are the ones that damage me the most, so i really couldnt look at her. She did grab my hand and guided me into the room. Ok im here, but im not. My sister gretchen walked in and she always makes me feel at ease, exspecially lately so it was a bit of comfort to see her. She grabbed a basket incase i got sick and then she picked her wedgie which made me a laugh a bit. I looked up and all my siblings and family members had a pin on their clothing of Amelias face. It was nice. All the guys wore a pink tie because she was a princess and pink was her favorite color, although her dad says purple was. i dont agree! lol. They told me it was time and i needed to go in there. I couldnt, my throat was closing shut, i had a lump in it, it was dry, my stomach was turning and my hands were shaking. I am a mother, im supposed to be strong, im not supposed to be weak but i am. I had Gretchen on one side of me, and my mom on the other and Lou right there. I walked in the room, and right to the right of me were tons of pictures and memorbilia that people had put out, things i collected, things Tom collected. I looked at all the stuff and slowly walked up to her casket. Each piece of memory on the tables made me smile. This was her, her life, her things, the memories we had together, the fun moments that we shared. Somethings were personal that only her and i knew of, and that is what made me get through this. I knew just then looking at those things that i can be strong. She is here with me, maybe not in vision but in these items she is, and in my heart she will always be. As i approached the casket i started to feel really sick, so i burped. I always get gassy when i nervous. my sister laughed at me but i just kept doing it, i didnt care. i loooked out of the corner of my eye at her in the casket and then quickly looked back, i cant just yet, so i stopped at anohter table and took my time. I had Tom and his girlfriend leave so i could have my own special time with her, before everyone else. I took a deep breath, and looked over, ok, she is there, i cant touch her, but i want to, i thought. I looked at her, oh how beautiful she is, and just for a breif second, i thought she was breathing. I told my mom she is breathing, look mom she is breathing, and i started to cry. No baby, she is not. i put my hand on her chest to feel her breaths but she wasnt breathing, this made it worse. Her makeup was done beautiful, this memory is alot more pleasent then the vision i had of her before with blue lips, and blood and so forth. My baby is beautiful! I touched her hair, and started to talk to her. Hi baby, its mommy, i could hear here in the distance saying hi mom, I told her how beautiful she looked and how much i miss her. Oh baby, why did you have to go, why? Mommy doesnt understand. I started to cry harder and i could hear her saying, mommy stop crying. She would usually wipe my tears away then. I looked up at Lou and said, isnt she beautiful, he said yeah she is. He held her hand and started to cry. She was holding her yellow duck, which she loved! he put his arm around me and we soaked in every moment then, this is our little girl laying before our eyes, in a purple casket that says princess. This is not right! This should be me in ther, or an old person, someone who got to live their life. I cried louder, thats my baby! Why god Why. I still dont get it. She wanted to be an austronaunt, she loved the stars and planets. My mom mentioned how she is up there right now, but i didnt care about that. I want her home with me, so we can go to the park, so we can do airplanes on the floor, or just do crafts. I want to cuddle with her, i want to do eskimo kisses, and butterfly kisses. I want my daughter back, she is my blood, my first born my baby. I will do anything just to have her home again. I was guided to my seat by my mother, my legs were weak. My MS was starting to take a toll on me because of hte stress. They opened the doors to let people in, first was my siblings and their partners, my mom, my in laws and so forth. In the row i was sitting in it went, Lou then me then Tom then his girlfriend, who i still to this day belive she had no rights being there. What business is it of hers to stay in the front row and for people to say sorry to her, who the fuck is she. Im the mother! She is just a heffer, but she was there for TOm and i guess he wanted it that way, which i still dont think is right and he is an idiot for having it that way. The first few people i think were worse off then me, then the more poeple i saw the harder it got for me. Some people were hugging me way too tight, some had too much perfume on which would make gag or their hair got in my face and that made me grossed out too. I just kept telling myself that this is not happening, there is noway. Thats not my baby, i was hurt, i was crushed. I was crying non stop, and then i heard something. it sounded like this, This is my girlfriend Laura, This is my girlfriend Laura, thank you for coming this is my girlfriend Laura. Are you fuckin kidding me, here lies his daughter in a casket and he is concerned about introducing his girlfriend. he just kept doing it and doing it. I was no longer upset, i was pissed off. How selfish and stupid are you? I leaned over to lou and mentioned it and he goes, yeah i know, how rude. Lou really never states his opionion and if and when he does he does it at appropriate times, so i think he knew then was not the time, but i didnt care i was gonna make a stink about it. Its not a jealous thing about Laura either, belive me, i was upset. There is a time and place to introduce your girlfriend to your friends and right now is not the time and place. I told my mom i had to use the bathroom, i needed to take abreak and wash my hands. so i did, and i was walking back and i thought that i would look around more, i have to stretch my legs anyway but there were people that wanted to talk and i really wasnt in the mood so i told my mom that if i pinched her side then it was time to keep walking, i pinched her a few times. i sat back down and now tom was a few rows back with his buddies from a previous job who i guess he lost contact with . Talking and joking around with them. How can you do this, i was livid. i layed my head on lous sholder a few times and we cuddled and cried. he got up to go to the bathroom and my dad sat down by me. Oh my dad. He kept crying and he apologised to me that he wasnt there for her and i tol dhim well its not too late i do have another baby and he said he was going to be there and out of all the times in my life when my dad said that he wasnt but this time i knew he was going to be. I held my daddy closer than i ever have and cried. told him i was sorry for hte past and told him i loved him. we talked a bit about Amelia and her silly ways and then lou came back so he got up. I just sat there and stared. I didnt want to hug another person, or talk i just wanted to stare at my baby because this was the last time i was ever going to see her in person. After a few hours Owen came out and was going to start the services. I felt the anxiety build up, this was it, this was the end, Im not ever going to see her again, i dont want to do this. I held lous hand and then i reached out and held Toms hand as well. We were always civil and never fought infront of her. This was our baby the three of us. The services started and then Tom got up and talked, UGH! he mentioned about the fun things they did and how he wanted Laura to be her step mom which made her cry even more, but it just made me nausea because of the last two girls that he was engaged to and what they did to my little girl. Then my husband got up to talk. I didnt think he was going to do it but he did and i was so proud of him, he showed everyone how much he truly loved her. he talked about how when he first met me he thought i was amazing and how he knew i was the one but something was missing, he didnt feel complete. Then i introduced him to Amelia and he then said that was it, that is what completed me. How Amelia and I changed his life and how much he loved her and how he is going to miss her. It was beautiful and i think everyone saw a different side of him. my sted dad got up and recited a poem his step mom wrote who couldnt make it, the teacher from Amelias school got up and talked. she touched so many lives and i was amazed by that. Then tom got up and said his goodbyes before everyone did. I waited until last. it was then time for me and lou to go up. i walked over to her touched her, and then i colapsed. I held tighter then ever to the side of the wooden casket and i just cried, i screamed my baby, why take my baby, why. I called God an ass hole which i later asked for forgiveness for. It took everything out of me, they tried to pick me up but i didnt want to,, i just wanted to cry and i did. I cried so hard that i gagged, this is my child. its not like loosing a friend, or a grandmother its your flesh and blood, your own baby. When Amelia passed away so did a very large piece of me. I gave her one last kiss, her face was cold and it wasnt like it used to be. I told her what i always told her, Angels are watching you, jesus loves you and mommy lou and lilly do too. i then did like i always did, eskimo kisses, butterfly kisses then three kisses and i said good night. I told her i loved her, and then i didnt want to leave. I dont want to leave my baby. noway i cant and i wont. i belong with her, but i knew i had to go. I puled the blanket up and tucked my baby girl in for the last time ever. No mother should ever have to go through this. Its unfair and heart wrenching. i touched her hands and told her that mommy loves her and so does sissy. Lou reached over and gave her a kiss and said louie loves you baby girl. I walked aay and that was the hardest thing i ever had to do, walk away while someone closes the casket with my little 3 year old laying in it. this isnt right and i wont ever understand, and i dont want to. There was dinner served at my dads new place in easton for everyone. The worst was over everyone said, and i was able to eat, but i knew each day was going to be hard. I came home and i cried, i cried for hours, and hours. Angela stayed here but it wasnt enough, i needed my baby. Madeline came over and i was talking to her. I want to go and be with my baby i said to her, i dont care if i were to die because i belong with my little girl, she said how i have a little girl here still, i know i said to her but i feel like i have to be with Amelia. Im lost and i feel so alone. I went on the internet to try to find a support group, talk to people that have had this happen, a child pass unexspectedly. i then medicated myself and went to sleep in lous Arms holding the littlest pet shop animal with her dirty socks on it.
Today is day 2. I woke up this morning sweating. I looked over and i saw her clothes and littlest pet shop stuffed animal that i slept with the night before. I was hoping it was all a dream. I was hoping to wake up this morning and walk in my little girls room like i used to every morning and say good morning to her. Open her curtins and wait for that sweet smile and that horrible morning breath of hers, but instead i had the stuffed animal and her socks that she had on. Everything was a blur, my eyes were swollen from crying and i feel like i am in a fog. I want answers. Why did he take my little girl. Was she too special to be here on Earth with her family that he needed her there with him. I guess i will never know until i ask him myself. I walked out to the living room where my mother in law was. She spent the night. I didnt want to be alone and i was afraid to call anyone so Lou called his mom at 130 in the morning. I sat on the couch and i just stared. Then i thought about her art work, oh her art work. She was such an artist for a 3 year old, i ran over to where i kept it and started to look through it. I remembered that just a few days before i threw away some of her stuff, i asked my mother in law to go and get it out of the garbage. I never thought that her art work would mean so much to me. I sat on the floor and rocked back and forth looking at her pretty pictures of angels and her hands that she traced. My mom walked in with my sister in law. They really didnt know what to say to me, i mentioned how many people showed up at the hospital. People i havent talked to in a while, my dad, my grandmother, my aunts and cousins and so forth. It felt good to know that people were there to help me stay strong but how can you when you found your little girl who passed away moments before you walked in her room. I cant help but say, what if...what if i walked in 5 min before or what if i layed with her longer? I know i shouldnt but it is hard. I blame myself but then on the other hand i blame the doctors. My mom looked at the art work with me and then told me i really need to shower. I have to meet with the funeral director. Who the hell wants to shower, i dont care what i look like. I dont care about getting dressed or putting a bra on. I want my baby back. I knew meeting with Owen was a must but i didnt want to. Who is really ready to meet with a funeral director anyway. Im supposed to go first, Im the one with MS, im the one who is sick, your child should not go before you. I didnt shower, i did brush my teeth though and threw some baby powder in my hair to take the grease look out, it worked. on the way to the funeral home i thought, and thought and thought. Do i cremate her or do i burry her. I want her ashes, i dont want her in the ground. I want her home with me. The room was filled with family. Tom, toms girlfriend, my mom, jamie my sister in law, gretchen, lou and pam my mother in law. Owen wasnt what i exspected, a little bit dorkier i exspected him to be. It felt good to have support there, i know Lou wanted to be but he was dealing with it just as bad as i was, so it was nice to have my sister Gretchen as my right hand girl. If Lou and I couldnt deal with something, Gretchen was there to support and to comfort and i needed that, we both did. Amelia was really close with Gretchens little girl, my neice Avery. They are both 4, and we always said we wanted them to grow up together. it kills me that Avery wont have that anymore, Gretchen and I were always close and we wanted that for our girls. We wrote up the obituary and picked the casket, and i found a piece of jewelry that i can keep some of her ashes in which is great. I can always carry her with me. We joked around a bit in the room because if not i would have lost it even more. One thing that did bother me is that if i heard about Laura and her imput one more time i was going to jump over the table and knock those fat lips off of her face. In my opionion she had no rights being there, she was apart of Amelias life for less then 6 months and she had imput on where i was having the services. Fuck that! and Tom decided to just get a wooden box so his girlfriend can decorate it. Are you fucking kidding me. I wanted to vomit all over the both of them. I never in my life heard something more obserd. He is going to break up with her in a few months anyway and then he is going to be left with a wooden box that holds his precious baby in that his fat ex stripper girlfriend decorated. Like it was a birthday card or something. Ugh! he pissed me off. I understand she was there to help him and to be his support but there is a time for everything, He should have had his mother or a family member, not her. The first time i met her was the day Amelia passed away and she said to me, I cant brush her hair anymore...bitch, that was my baby! My blood! I gave birth to her, i took care of her, my flesh and blood are her, and she says i cant brush her hair anymore, and i brought tissues. Fuck i dont want your nasty germ infested tissues you pulled out of your plastic NYC purse you have. But i guess the gesture was nice. Anyway, at home alot of people showed up. My dad came to my house. I couldnt belive it, even though i was not in a happy mood, my daddy coming to my home and sitting on my couch and holding me made me feel so good. Made me feel like i was loved and it made me realize how much i want him in my life and my childrens lives. Although Amelia really never seen him she knew who he was and i made sure of that. My dad doesnt really know how much i love him and how bad i need him here. Hopefully he will now. Amelias teachers dropped off her art work from school and i was so happy to see it finally. Her giraffe that she made her first day, it was amazing. I know if she was still here with us she would have grown up to be an amazing artist and a singer. She had talent for a 3 year old that was for sure. I showed my dad her art work, shared stories about her and what had happened. How i rolled her over and how her face was blue, How i tried to revive her and how i prayed the whole way to the hospital for her to be ok. Sometimes prayer is not enough. the neighbors brought over food, and my dad did too. it was nice to not have to worry about cooking and feeding lillian. this morning it was hard. Lilly woke up and asked for Amelia. It killed me. They were close. Alot of people came and went today but i was exhausted. Aunt Angie is spending the night tonight which is nice, i cant be alone. Im scared to be alone. Im afraid of what i might do and i told lou that and its hte truth. So i need people here to keep me in check. I am going to go and try to get some rest. It is very late. I am going to go read Amelia and Lillian a book in Amelias room and then try to lay down.