Tuesday, May 12, 2009

21 days without her

Another week has passed and another day i cry. I am having a bad day today. I dont understand. I dont get why she had to go. I was a good mom, I dont do drugs but yet i feel like i am being punished. There are people out there that dont want their kids but yet have 8 or 9 and use abortion as a birth control. There are elderly people out there who have lived long joyful lives and want to go but yet my daughter was 3 1/2 and didnt get to live her life to the fullest. Maybe everyday she did but you get what i mean. Today is a rough one and maybe because yesterday was mothers day and i saw my neices. Oh boy it crushed me. I didnt think it was going to be hard. You see both of my neices Avery and Kaylynn they were BFF's of Amelias. Avery was at my moms house and when i hugged her, i held her extra tight because she is the same exact build of Amelia. I wanted to hold on longer and just ball my eyes out, but i couldnt because i felt like everyone was staring at me. I stayed for 10 min, at my moms because it was too much. I got in my car and cried the whole way to the store. I picked up what we needed at the store and i figured it was later in teh day so i f we went to Lous moms house Kaylynn would have left already so it wouldnt have been so hard. We pulled up and they were still there. I didnt want to get out of the car. I said to Lou, i cant do this again to myself. I got out anyway and sucked it up. I walked in and my heart sunk in my chest. Oh how i wished my baby was here to wish me a happy mothers day, Lilly is too young yet. Im jealous and i guess i have a right to be. I could hear her right now telling me non stop happy mothers day mommy, over and over again in her squeaky lispy voice. Oh i love that voice. The whole time we were sitting at Lous moms i felt my stomach turning and that was my nerves. Why am i doing this to myself, so his sister and neice left and i got sick and had to go home. We came home for a bit and then went to his grammys, oh what a sweet woman she is. She lost her husband about a year ago and now more then ever i feel connected to her because she went through what i am going through but not in the same sense. Time heals all wounds they say but i say bullshit. Nothing is going to heal this wound. I was happy to spend mothers day with my little lil though. She and Amelia gave me a card and a beautiful necklace that has Amelias birthstone in it. As selfish as it sounds i wanted the mothers day gift that she would have made at school. Kaylynn was telling me how she was the big cheese which at school you get your picture up on the wall and you have your pictures and your favorite things on there. It crushed me, i was so proud of her but Amelia always talked about being the big cheese, i came home tonight and i walked over to her urn and i said your my big cheese, and i am so proud of you. It sucks that i have to rub a puter urn to feel sort of connected to my child. It aches my fucking heart.

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