Monday, May 18, 2009
Blessings and apologies
There are so many people out there that judge other people. I am one of them which since Amelias passing i am trying to change. Its a shame that if we see someone with big baggy pants on and a ban dana on his head we automatically lock the car doors or if we see someone who has a pair of ripped jeans and a t shirt on we think they are dirty, or if someone who has a fancy car and a nice handbag we automatically say their rich or a gold digger. This is when my reality hit. Recently i wrote up a letter about Amelia and her rosary beads that were missing. The detective when he left the home lost them and they are not in the home. We live across the street from a field where the detective was parked so i had asked our neighbors if when they are taking their nightly walk if they would please keep an extra eye out for them and if they were found to please return them. I sent out 80 to our neighbors. Well I sent them out on Friday and on Saturday i got a response from our one neighbor . She was drinking and reaked like booze, her husband was a bit smelly and you could tell they werent in a a sober state of mind, but that did not stop them. They got on their hands and knees, in the dark with it starting to rain and searched. They didnt care about posion, or bugs, or snakes or even getting struck by lightning, they cared about finding my babys rosary beads. This opened my eyes to a whole new world. A place that there will be no more judgement, it doesnt mean i am not going to think things of people but i will no longer talk about people i do not know or even smerk at them. I was ashamed of myself. How could i let myself get to be like this. How dare i judge someone that is here in my yard, putting their heart and soul into finding this for me. So here goes.....To better myself i must apologise to all of those peole out there that i have sinned against. First i would like to apologise to my husband for the horrible things i have said to him in the past, for the things i have accused him of or the way i have treated him, forgive me. I want to apologise to my sisters, both Madeline and Gretchen, Gretchen for being jealous of you and speaking in a bad manner about you and Madeline for talking trash about you, I have done and said alot of horrible things Madeline and im sorry. To my Brother Paul, im sorry for the way i was to you and im sorry for never understanding who you were, and not accepting who you were. I want to apologise to my mom for talking about how bad of a mother you were when we were kids and in recent how i dont agree with the things you do in your life and how i talked badly about you. I want to apologise to my in laws, my mother in law and father in law for talking about how you need to cut the rope on your children and how i was intimidated by my mother in law and how at one point i thought she didnt like me. im sorry i spoke badly about how you cant cook or how your laundry detergent stinks. I want to apologise to my father in law for always bitching about how he did this or that and talking badly of him. I want to apologise to my husbands Aunt pat for talking badly about her and at one point wishing at one point she would lose everything in her life because she made us lose all of our stuff by evicting us for no reason when she just didnt want to fix items in the home, im sorry for bad mouthing you over the house situation and saying that you were the reason why we had mice and so forth. I want to apologise to all my cousins out there, im sorry for talking about how you never sucseeded and im sorry for not staying in contact. Im sorry to my Aunt Val and my Aunt Deb for saying you were trashy, well i said that about Aunt Deb, i said my Aunt Val was married too much and making fun of her. I want to say sorry to my Grandmother on my dads side for saying she was a horrible old miserable woman and how she smells and never brushes her teeth. I want to say im sorry to Lous Cousin Joey for getting on his case and blaming him for something he didnt even do, I want to apologise to my dad for not giving him the time or chance to tell me what was really on his mind, i just shut you out and didnt ask if you wanted to be a part of our wedding. I want to say im sorry to Amelias dad for talking horribly about him and calling him names of fat and lazy and crooked eyed. I want to say im sorry to my dad for not having him walk me down the isle, and i want to apologise to lillian and Amelia for punishing them or a tap here and there on their hands for not listening, or a tap on Amelias butt for not doing as told. i am sorry to any person i have ever hurt, talked badly about, made fun of,any person with a disability that i laughed at or made fun of or judged. there are so many people i havent named and i will when the time is right but every person i did talk about, every person that is in your life and mine is a blessing and i am thankful for my blessings.