Monday, May 18, 2009
4 weeks, 28 days,
Nobody ever said it was going to be easy but nobody ever told me it was going to be this hard. I still dont understand why. I always ask alot of questions and i always question myself. Not just questions about Amelia and her passing but about myself. Why do i have MS. Why did my daughter pass away, why do my eyes hurt me all the time, why do people do dumb things. I always sit and try to think of reasons but i never come to a conclusion. I guess i will never know either. I hate waking up in the morning and not hearing her, sometimes i tell myserlf that she is on vacation when i start to think of things. Today was a ok day i guess, i had my moments. Lastnight was a bad night for me though. I just held on to Louies shirt and balled my eyes out, i tried to stop a couple times but i told myself to let it all out. Everyday that goes by i cry and every moment that goes by i miss her and that will never change. We went yard saling on Saturday and Louie was going to buy her a wrestler, she loved WWE wrestling, it was hard to not get it. I fucking hate it! I want to scream out loud, i want to punch and kick and just do everything possible to get this hurtful anger out, but i dont. I think of trying to be poise and strong, but inside i am as weak as can be. Since all of this i have decided to try to better myself as a person and try to ask for forgiveness for the sins i have sinned against people which will be in my next blog. It is going to be all about apologies to all those i have hurt and dont know it. I went to Sonic today, never ate there before and i thought about how much Amelia would have loved it. She would have said it was like the movie Cars. Oh she loved that movie. Watched it tons of times to the point where she could recite it. The day she passed we were supposed to watch it when she woke up from her nap. I still question myself about what if i did this different, what if it wasnt a seizure, what if it was this and i could have prevented it, it sickens me to my stomach thinking about it. Sometimes when Lou and i are in the car and i start to think about it, i yell at him to tell me a story to get my mind off of it. Sometimes it works and other times it doesnt. I miss her! Any mother can relate in a way maybe not with the fact of losing a child but as a mother you have that unconditional love, as compared to a father a mothers love is stronger. You carried that child, nurished that child, raised that child and then to have that taken away from you, it is heart wrenching. I have had a few people tell me i feel your pain, but unless your a mother who lost a child you really cant but as a mother in general you can. Does that make sense. We take so many things for granite in our lives that when they are taken away we realize. So to all of those who read these blogs regurdless if your a mom, dad, aunt, unlce what have you, before you go to bed if you have children, kiss them extra, hug them tighter or take that moment to read the book. If you dont have children and have a sibling or nieces or nephews or just significant other, take an extra moment and show them that you appreciate them. This is important because you may never see that person again. Never go to sleep angry and i dont have to say way, you know. Good night, God Bless and Love to all!