Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Day 21, Lous Birthday
Today we woke up and it was Louies birthday. My hubs is 27, and getting old. I laugh at him alot because he jokes how i am an old lady, mind you i am a year older. He has been my rock through all of this, but today i could see he was having a hard day. When it came to birthdays, Amelia was always stoked. She would sing and make pictures and want to do all kinds of things for lou or my birthday , or anyone for that matter. I gave him a card with a little note in there that i wrote from Amelia. It talked about how he was the greatest step dad and how if she was here she would sing happy birthday to him, or she would sit and watch wrestling, or go to valley. He was really close with Amelia at times and i am glad that he got to experience her love like i did, and her milestones with me. I had lous family over to celebrate, and as we were singing happy birthday, there was something missing. It didnt feel right and he and i both knew and felt it. i watched him try to blow the candles out, and he stopped, his face sunk in like he was going to cry. I could tell it was hitting him hard, shortly after cake everyone left. I had to leave to get ketchup but i was glad, nothing against his family , i just needed to get out, there was alot of amelia talk and it was too much. I cried on my way to the store to get ketchup. I looked up at the sky hoping her little face would pop out from a cloud and say im watching you. It didnt, of course. nobody spent that night lastnight and it was a really hard night. I cried and had the worst anxiety attack ever. I was ok until i closed my eyes and that vision of her, and her face and the blood and UGH! i was hitting myself in the head beggin lou to get it out of my mind, he tried to change the subject and talk but nothing will ever make that go away. I want the memory of before she went to bed not when i checked on her. Well tonight Joey is here to spend that night so i am hoping i may get a little rest, i am going to go write in my book now and hopefully get rest.