Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Today is day 2. I woke up this morning sweating. I looked over and i saw her clothes and littlest pet shop stuffed animal that i slept with the night before. I was hoping it was all a dream. I was hoping to wake up this morning and walk in my little girls room like i used to every morning and say good morning to her. Open her curtins and wait for that sweet smile and that horrible morning breath of hers, but instead i had the stuffed animal and her socks that she had on. Everything was a blur, my eyes were swollen from crying and i feel like i am in a fog. I want answers. Why did he take my little girl. Was she too special to be here on Earth with her family that he needed her there with him. I guess i will never know until i ask him myself. I walked out to the living room where my mother in law was. She spent the night. I didnt want to be alone and i was afraid to call anyone so Lou called his mom at 130 in the morning. I sat on the couch and i just stared. Then i thought about her art work, oh her art work. She was such an artist for a 3 year old, i ran over to where i kept it and started to look through it. I remembered that just a few days before i threw away some of her stuff, i asked my mother in law to go and get it out of the garbage. I never thought that her art work would mean so much to me. I sat on the floor and rocked back and forth looking at her pretty pictures of angels and her hands that she traced. My mom walked in with my sister in law. They really didnt know what to say to me, i mentioned how many people showed up at the hospital. People i havent talked to in a while, my dad, my grandmother, my aunts and cousins and so forth. It felt good to know that people were there to help me stay strong but how can you when you found your little girl who passed away moments before you walked in her room. I cant help but say, what if...what if i walked in 5 min before or what if i layed with her longer? I know i shouldnt but it is hard. I blame myself but then on the other hand i blame the doctors. My mom looked at the art work with me and then told me i really need to shower. I have to meet with the funeral director. Who the hell wants to shower, i dont care what i look like. I dont care about getting dressed or putting a bra on. I want my baby back. I knew meeting with Owen was a must but i didnt want to. Who is really ready to meet with a funeral director anyway. Im supposed to go first, Im the one with MS, im the one who is sick, your child should not go before you. I didnt shower, i did brush my teeth though and threw some baby powder in my hair to take the grease look out, it worked. on the way to the funeral home i thought, and thought and thought. Do i cremate her or do i burry her. I want her ashes, i dont want her in the ground. I want her home with me. The room was filled with family. Tom, toms girlfriend, my mom, jamie my sister in law, gretchen, lou and pam my mother in law. Owen wasnt what i exspected, a little bit dorkier i exspected him to be. It felt good to have support there, i know Lou wanted to be but he was dealing with it just as bad as i was, so it was nice to have my sister Gretchen as my right hand girl. If Lou and I couldnt deal with something, Gretchen was there to support and to comfort and i needed that, we both did. Amelia was really close with Gretchens little girl, my neice Avery. They are both 4, and we always said we wanted them to grow up together. it kills me that Avery wont have that anymore, Gretchen and I were always close and we wanted that for our girls. We wrote up the obituary and picked the casket, and i found a piece of jewelry that i can keep some of her ashes in which is great. I can always carry her with me. We joked around a bit in the room because if not i would have lost it even more. One thing that did bother me is that if i heard about Laura and her imput one more time i was going to jump over the table and knock those fat lips off of her face. In my opionion she had no rights being there, she was apart of Amelias life for less then 6 months and she had imput on where i was having the services. Fuck that! and Tom decided to just get a wooden box so his girlfriend can decorate it. Are you fucking kidding me. I wanted to vomit all over the both of them. I never in my life heard something more obserd. He is going to break up with her in a few months anyway and then he is going to be left with a wooden box that holds his precious baby in that his fat ex stripper girlfriend decorated. Like it was a birthday card or something. Ugh! he pissed me off. I understand she was there to help him and to be his support but there is a time for everything, He should have had his mother or a family member, not her. The first time i met her was the day Amelia passed away and she said to me, I cant brush her hair anymore...bitch, that was my baby! My blood! I gave birth to her, i took care of her, my flesh and blood are her, and she says i cant brush her hair anymore, and i brought tissues. Fuck i dont want your nasty germ infested tissues you pulled out of your plastic NYC purse you have. But i guess the gesture was nice. Anyway, at home alot of people showed up. My dad came to my house. I couldnt belive it, even though i was not in a happy mood, my daddy coming to my home and sitting on my couch and holding me made me feel so good. Made me feel like i was loved and it made me realize how much i want him in my life and my childrens lives. Although Amelia really never seen him she knew who he was and i made sure of that. My dad doesnt really know how much i love him and how bad i need him here. Hopefully he will now. Amelias teachers dropped off her art work from school and i was so happy to see it finally. Her giraffe that she made her first day, it was amazing. I know if she was still here with us she would have grown up to be an amazing artist and a singer. She had talent for a 3 year old that was for sure. I showed my dad her art work, shared stories about her and what had happened. How i rolled her over and how her face was blue, How i tried to revive her and how i prayed the whole way to the hospital for her to be ok. Sometimes prayer is not enough. the neighbors brought over food, and my dad did too. it was nice to not have to worry about cooking and feeding lillian. this morning it was hard. Lilly woke up and asked for Amelia. It killed me. They were close. Alot of people came and went today but i was exhausted. Aunt Angie is spending the night tonight which is nice, i cant be alone. Im scared to be alone. Im afraid of what i might do and i told lou that and its hte truth. So i need people here to keep me in check. I am going to go and try to get some rest. It is very late. I am going to go read Amelia and Lillian a book in Amelias room and then try to lay down.