Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Day 5, Funeral Day
Last night i didnt sleep very well. Knowing today was the day i burry my little girl. Nobody ever thinks that their child is going to pass away before them, but i guess sometimes we dont live in the reality of things either. I woke up this morning and My mom was getting ready to leave. She spent the night lastnight. I gathered a bunch of things that needed to go to the funeral home for her. She gave Lilly and me a kiss goodbye and headed out. I got lillians things ready because a Marlane, Mandys mother in law, was watching her today. I decided to clean my house, when im stressed i clean. I guess in a way it can be a good thing. I never have a messy house when my husband and i are fighting or when i am stressed out. I finished cleaning about 900 ish and marlane was coming at 930 AM and the car was supposed to pick us up at 10:15. I jumped in the shower and got myself dressed. I didnt wash my hair, did the old baby powder trick again, no make up, so i was ready in a matter of min. Marlane came and so did my in laws. After Lillian was on her way to marlanes, the car showed up. My heart sank and my stomach turned. I dont want this. I dont want to go, i told Lou. I cant do this. i kept saying. he said, no stacy we have to. I was sick. How can i go to my babys funeral. How can i honestly, look at people and say thank you for coming, i dont want to thank them i want to punch all of them in their stupid faces. They still have their children, old and young. How can i smile at them, i dont want anyone to touch me, i dont want to go. I searched for my sunglasses, i was not leaving with out them, then i asked out loud. Amelia, help mommy find them, lead me to them baby, please. Then i found them, underneath and behind the computer. I was amazed! i gathered my stuff, amelias littlest pet shop stuffed animals and her taggy blanket and i headed out the door. The weather was beautiful, a day Amelia would love, a day for the park. I got in the car and i looked at my home. I thought to myself, What the fuck! This is just unbeliveable, she is still alive, she is going to wake up. We pulled away and headed towards the funeral home. This is it, i said to Lou, we then held eachothers hands tighter than we ever have before. The whole ride there, i was figity, my heart was pounding, i was having hot and cold flashes. I decided the best thing to do was to take an anxiety pill and a stomach pill and a pain pill. I was covering all angles. We pulled up to the home, and i looked around, i saw my siblings cars all parked. I looked at Lou and i said, I dont want to get out, I cant do this Louie. he said, I know baby but we have to and this is for our little girl. Whenever he refered to Amelia as our little girl, it just touched my heart. Made me smile. I walked down the hall and i said to him i cant go in there yet, i cant see her in a casket yet, no way. Owen the funeral director, opened up a private room for us. I felt sick, i was going to vomit. I swear it! my mom always made things a little harder because her reactions are the ones that damage me the most, so i really couldnt look at her. She did grab my hand and guided me into the room. Ok im here, but im not. My sister gretchen walked in and she always makes me feel at ease, exspecially lately so it was a bit of comfort to see her. She grabbed a basket incase i got sick and then she picked her wedgie which made me a laugh a bit. I looked up and all my siblings and family members had a pin on their clothing of Amelias face. It was nice. All the guys wore a pink tie because she was a princess and pink was her favorite color, although her dad says purple was. i dont agree! lol. They told me it was time and i needed to go in there. I couldnt, my throat was closing shut, i had a lump in it, it was dry, my stomach was turning and my hands were shaking. I am a mother, im supposed to be strong, im not supposed to be weak but i am. I had Gretchen on one side of me, and my mom on the other and Lou right there. I walked in the room, and right to the right of me were tons of pictures and memorbilia that people had put out, things i collected, things Tom collected. I looked at all the stuff and slowly walked up to her casket. Each piece of memory on the tables made me smile. This was her, her life, her things, the memories we had together, the fun moments that we shared. Somethings were personal that only her and i knew of, and that is what made me get through this. I knew just then looking at those things that i can be strong. She is here with me, maybe not in vision but in these items she is, and in my heart she will always be. As i approached the casket i started to feel really sick, so i burped. I always get gassy when i nervous. my sister laughed at me but i just kept doing it, i didnt care. i loooked out of the corner of my eye at her in the casket and then quickly looked back, i cant just yet, so i stopped at anohter table and took my time. I had Tom and his girlfriend leave so i could have my own special time with her, before everyone else. I took a deep breath, and looked over, ok, she is there, i cant touch her, but i want to, i thought. I looked at her, oh how beautiful she is, and just for a breif second, i thought she was breathing. I told my mom she is breathing, look mom she is breathing, and i started to cry. No baby, she is not. i put my hand on her chest to feel her breaths but she wasnt breathing, this made it worse. Her makeup was done beautiful, this memory is alot more pleasent then the vision i had of her before with blue lips, and blood and so forth. My baby is beautiful! I touched her hair, and started to talk to her. Hi baby, its mommy, i could hear here in the distance saying hi mom, I told her how beautiful she looked and how much i miss her. Oh baby, why did you have to go, why? Mommy doesnt understand. I started to cry harder and i could hear her saying, mommy stop crying. She would usually wipe my tears away then. I looked up at Lou and said, isnt she beautiful, he said yeah she is. He held her hand and started to cry. She was holding her yellow duck, which she loved! he put his arm around me and we soaked in every moment then, this is our little girl laying before our eyes, in a purple casket that says princess. This is not right! This should be me in ther, or an old person, someone who got to live their life. I cried louder, thats my baby! Why god Why. I still dont get it. She wanted to be an austronaunt, she loved the stars and planets. My mom mentioned how she is up there right now, but i didnt care about that. I want her home with me, so we can go to the park, so we can do airplanes on the floor, or just do crafts. I want to cuddle with her, i want to do eskimo kisses, and butterfly kisses. I want my daughter back, she is my blood, my first born my baby. I will do anything just to have her home again. I was guided to my seat by my mother, my legs were weak. My MS was starting to take a toll on me because of hte stress. They opened the doors to let people in, first was my siblings and their partners, my mom, my in laws and so forth. In the row i was sitting in it went, Lou then me then Tom then his girlfriend, who i still to this day belive she had no rights being there. What business is it of hers to stay in the front row and for people to say sorry to her, who the fuck is she. Im the mother! She is just a heffer, but she was there for TOm and i guess he wanted it that way, which i still dont think is right and he is an idiot for having it that way. The first few people i think were worse off then me, then the more poeple i saw the harder it got for me. Some people were hugging me way too tight, some had too much perfume on which would make gag or their hair got in my face and that made me grossed out too. I just kept telling myself that this is not happening, there is noway. Thats not my baby, i was hurt, i was crushed. I was crying non stop, and then i heard something. it sounded like this, This is my girlfriend Laura, This is my girlfriend Laura, thank you for coming this is my girlfriend Laura. Are you fuckin kidding me, here lies his daughter in a casket and he is concerned about introducing his girlfriend. he just kept doing it and doing it. I was no longer upset, i was pissed off. How selfish and stupid are you? I leaned over to lou and mentioned it and he goes, yeah i know, how rude. Lou really never states his opionion and if and when he does he does it at appropriate times, so i think he knew then was not the time, but i didnt care i was gonna make a stink about it. Its not a jealous thing about Laura either, belive me, i was upset. There is a time and place to introduce your girlfriend to your friends and right now is not the time and place. I told my mom i had to use the bathroom, i needed to take abreak and wash my hands. so i did, and i was walking back and i thought that i would look around more, i have to stretch my legs anyway but there were people that wanted to talk and i really wasnt in the mood so i told my mom that if i pinched her side then it was time to keep walking, i pinched her a few times. i sat back down and now tom was a few rows back with his buddies from a previous job who i guess he lost contact with . Talking and joking around with them. How can you do this, i was livid. i layed my head on lous sholder a few times and we cuddled and cried. he got up to go to the bathroom and my dad sat down by me. Oh my dad. He kept crying and he apologised to me that he wasnt there for her and i tol dhim well its not too late i do have another baby and he said he was going to be there and out of all the times in my life when my dad said that he wasnt but this time i knew he was going to be. I held my daddy closer than i ever have and cried. told him i was sorry for hte past and told him i loved him. we talked a bit about Amelia and her silly ways and then lou came back so he got up. I just sat there and stared. I didnt want to hug another person, or talk i just wanted to stare at my baby because this was the last time i was ever going to see her in person. After a few hours Owen came out and was going to start the services. I felt the anxiety build up, this was it, this was the end, Im not ever going to see her again, i dont want to do this. I held lous hand and then i reached out and held Toms hand as well. We were always civil and never fought infront of her. This was our baby the three of us. The services started and then Tom got up and talked, UGH! he mentioned about the fun things they did and how he wanted Laura to be her step mom which made her cry even more, but it just made me nausea because of the last two girls that he was engaged to and what they did to my little girl. Then my husband got up to talk. I didnt think he was going to do it but he did and i was so proud of him, he showed everyone how much he truly loved her. he talked about how when he first met me he thought i was amazing and how he knew i was the one but something was missing, he didnt feel complete. Then i introduced him to Amelia and he then said that was it, that is what completed me. How Amelia and I changed his life and how much he loved her and how he is going to miss her. It was beautiful and i think everyone saw a different side of him. my sted dad got up and recited a poem his step mom wrote who couldnt make it, the teacher from Amelias school got up and talked. she touched so many lives and i was amazed by that. Then tom got up and said his goodbyes before everyone did. I waited until last. it was then time for me and lou to go up. i walked over to her touched her, and then i colapsed. I held tighter then ever to the side of the wooden casket and i just cried, i screamed my baby, why take my baby, why. I called God an ass hole which i later asked for forgiveness for. It took everything out of me, they tried to pick me up but i didnt want to,, i just wanted to cry and i did. I cried so hard that i gagged, this is my child. its not like loosing a friend, or a grandmother its your flesh and blood, your own baby. When Amelia passed away so did a very large piece of me. I gave her one last kiss, her face was cold and it wasnt like it used to be. I told her what i always told her, Angels are watching you, jesus loves you and mommy lou and lilly do too. i then did like i always did, eskimo kisses, butterfly kisses then three kisses and i said good night. I told her i loved her, and then i didnt want to leave. I dont want to leave my baby. noway i cant and i wont. i belong with her, but i knew i had to go. I puled the blanket up and tucked my baby girl in for the last time ever. No mother should ever have to go through this. Its unfair and heart wrenching. i touched her hands and told her that mommy loves her and so does sissy. Lou reached over and gave her a kiss and said louie loves you baby girl. I walked aay and that was the hardest thing i ever had to do, walk away while someone closes the casket with my little 3 year old laying in it. this isnt right and i wont ever understand, and i dont want to. There was dinner served at my dads new place in easton for everyone. The worst was over everyone said, and i was able to eat, but i knew each day was going to be hard. I came home and i cried, i cried for hours, and hours. Angela stayed here but it wasnt enough, i needed my baby. Madeline came over and i was talking to her. I want to go and be with my baby i said to her, i dont care if i were to die because i belong with my little girl, she said how i have a little girl here still, i know i said to her but i feel like i have to be with Amelia. Im lost and i feel so alone. I went on the internet to try to find a support group, talk to people that have had this happen, a child pass unexspectedly. i then medicated myself and went to sleep in lous Arms holding the littlest pet shop animal with her dirty socks on it.