Saturday, December 26, 2009

Another day

So now that the stress of Christmas is over it feels good to relax. Although i didn't relax today. ha ha. I wanted to presents put away, the old toys and stuff packed away and brought to storage. I felt bad for Lou. We had a rough few days with him being ill so here i was putting all of these tasks on him. His face was priceless when i asked him to take the stuff to storage. I thought he was going to faint. I got a lot accomplished today though. I went into Lillian's room and went through her closet, her toy box and her dresser drawers. I took everything out and put it in piles. Throw away piles, keep piles, storage piles, donation piles. I really cleaned out a lot of junk. She was excited about her new toys. We spent most of the day opening boxes, breaking down boxes and putting stuff away. I found a few things in Lillian's toy box that were Amelia's and it really made me upset. I want my baby home. I want her here with me. I would do anything to hold her for just another second. This really sucks! let me rephrase that this is bullshit!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Eve/Christmas Day

Well, it was definitely a different one. I spent most of the day today shopping and finishing up what i needed to. I got Lillian her last few gifts and all of her stocking stuffers. Lou was going to go shopping with me but he had a severe migraine so he couldn't. I finished shopping around 4:30 and i had to be at church by 5:30 which i didn't make. I was very upset i didn't make it to church but i delt with it. I spent most of the Eve with Lillian and my family at my moms. Lou stayed home still because of his migraine. He gets them really bad to where he vomits and shakes. Its very scary. It was nice being with my sisters and my family. I sent Lou a text and he said he may want to go to the hospital. He couldn't move. I was worried so i left my moms around 9:30. I still had to wrap all of these gifts. I was already tired. I got home, got Lillian in her Christmas PJ's and told her that Santa would be coming tonight. After i put Lillian down for bed and she was off to sleep, i totally forgot my Christmas traditions, the reading of the book, the cookies and milk for Santa. I was truly crushed. How could i forget to do something so important, i think a part of me was trying to really not remember Christmas and the extras because Amelia is not here another because i was worried for Lou. I went down stairs to our room and i saw Lou on the floor, shaking. I knew he needed to go to the ER so i took him, Still in my Christmas Eve dress and high heels. lol. We got the ER and we went right back, they weren't busy at all, thank goodness. They immediately got Lou hooked up to a IV and started some fluids, gave him some meds and within an hour he was feeling better. They wanted to do a Lumbar puncture but he refused and they discharged him. That was at 2 AM. We then stopped at CVS because i had no wrapping paper and i wanted to get Lou's mom a few packs of cigarettes to throw in her stocking. We got home around 3 ish and i got in my PJ's as soon as we got in the house. I went downstairs to our room where we have our bed and our Christmas tree and started wrapping all of her gifts. Once the clock hit 4:45 AM i didn't care that i wasn't finished wrapping i needed to get to bed. Ill finish them when i get up. I closed my eyes and fell asleep as soon as i could, i was exhausted. It felt as though i only slept five minuets and I heard Lillian calling for me and Lou. Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Mommy. She went on and on and on, Lou went and got her breakfast and i quickly finished up the rest of the wrapping. I had a quick moment to myself and I lost it. I cried, i cried like a little baby. I sat on the floor, cradled my knees with my arms and rested my head on my knees and i lost it. I miss her so fucking much. I cant do this today, i cant go on today. There is no way. I cried so hard i couldn't breathe. The pain i have is unexplainable. Once i got that hard cry out and tried to regroup myself i popped a xanx to calm myself down or else i wouldn't be able to get through the unwrapping of the gifts this morning. Lou called me on my cell to see if he could bring Lillian down. I said yes but give me 5 more min i want to have the camera and video camera ready. I took a few pictures of before she saw the tree with all the presents laying under the tree. Then i heard her yell, Hi mommy! My heart ached, i was so excited to see her open her Christmas gifts for the first time but i felt so guilty for being excited. What kind of mother am I? Your other child is no longer with us, she is no longer here and your excited to celebrate Christmas. Then all of a sudden this voice, i know your going to think i am nuts but this voice said to me, its not fair to Lillian and you know what it was right, it wasn't fair to her. So i took a deep breath and i said, Hey bug, Merry Christmas. Look what Santa brought for you. She immediately ran for the Wiggles dolls that were unwrapped on the floor by her gifts. "Its the Wiggles!" she yelled. Her eyes glistened as she looked at all the presents. Lou sat on the floor and told her to come sit with him and he handed her his first present. She grabbed it and quickly unwrapped it quicker then i have ever seen before. She did that with all of her presents. I got a few nice gifts as well. We went up stairs to do the gift exchange with Lou's parents. They got Lilly a lot of things that she wanted. Since the quilts weren't done what i did was take a picture of what the quilt is going to look like and then i wrapped up in a box a square of the quilt and gave it to Lou's mom. I told her that that is just part of it and that it will look like the picture when i am finished. i told her how each of the material is actually Amelia's clothing and now she has a piece of Amelia as well. She cried and kissed the block. I felt good, like i did something right. Lou's parents left to go to Lou's sisters and we went back down stairs. I have a few more blankets to finish up. I usually cook a nice Christmas breakfast and so on but this year, i had no desire, instead Lou went to Wawa and we had some hoagies for our brunch. We then got Lillian dressed and headed out for the day. Off to my Moms first which we ate some really good food and I gave her her piece to her quilt and showed her the picture. She cried so hard. I lost it too. I did good all day until i saw my mom. As her being my mother she hurts terribly. She mourns her granddaughter but she also mourns her daughter as well. I took another xanx. We then we went to Lou's Grammys. I was going to go to my Aunt Vals to see my dad but it got to be too late and he was leaving. I kept my pain back most of the day. I don't know if it was i was trying to be strong and be excited for Lillian or if it was the xanx but whatever it was i did ok. Better then i thought i would have done. There is no other pain in the world worse then the pain of losing a child. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping.....

Ok so now i am in complete freak out mode. These blankets are taking too damn long to make and i really don't have a whole lot of time. Seriously, what the hell was i thinking. I had this great idea but yet i cant get it to come together for me. That actually seems like my life. hahaha So we went and did some Christmas shopping today. We got Lillian a bunch of toys and baby dolls. She has a lot already but these are different. The one pees, the other one sings songs and so on. We got her Dora stuff and Elmo stuff. wiggles which that is her new favorite and many more. She is going to go nuts Christmas morning i know it. Every time i looked at a toy i would say oh look, Amelia would have wanted that or when i saw something like Cars, i would get all choked up. that was her favorite movie. She would recite the lines. She knew it word for word. I'm dreading Christmas. I'm not sure how i am going to react. Am i going to cry? Am I going to be depressed? I don't want to be sad all day long, i need to be strong, well at least try. I really enjoyed shopping for Lilly. I got a few others a few things. We also got Lillian her Christmas eve outfit and the stuff to go with it. We still have yet to decided on her big toy. Lou said to get her a bike but i wanted to get her a new kitchen. For Christmas Lilly is getting new kitchen stuff like plates and bowls and pots and pans. Her kitchen now is for a child, a baby and its a big Elmo kitchen. i would rather her have a real one. Well i guess we will have to keep arguing over it until i get what i want. hahahah

Monday, December 21, 2009

my Nana, MS, and my day

I went to visit my Nana today at Easton Hosptial. I first went to an appointment and then i stopped at Panera Bread and got a big tub of soup and some sides of bread and a sandwich to share with my aunts and my Nana. When i got there i saw my Aunt Joan immediately, she looks like hell. He has MS as well, but she is far way worse then me. I look at her and i often wonder if i am going to look like her when i get older, meaning MS wise. I don't want to be disabled anymore, I'm afraid I'm going to be in a motorized chair when i get older. I was already in a wheelchair and i do still walk with a cane when i need it. Its very hard to be 28 and walking with a cane, people look at you like whats wrong or they stare like they have never seen someone with a cane. A few years ago i had a really bad MS attack and i was in a wheelchair for 6 months and then after that i was using a walker, talk about embarrassing. Whenever my legs hurt and Amelia knew it she would rub my legs and ask if i was ok. I was really concerned about Amelia and MS because besides me and her aunt her grandmother also has MS. Doctors aren't sure if MS is hereditary there is proof that supports it that it can be and that scared me. So when i got to the hospital my Nana was making me laugh. She spoke about a doctor that came in to see her and she thought he was handsome with his salt and pepper hair. She was sharing a room with another elderly woman and the lady couldn't figure out how to turn down the volume to her tv. It was LOUD! my Nana kept going oh gosh, oh why is that so loud. I laughed so hard. I wasn't there very long and then i headed over to Phillipsburg NJ to the mall to get a few things for Christmas. I was actually looking for a certain shirt but instead i got a few other things. I took my Aunts home and then i went to the dollar store, got my balloons and headed home. After dinner we did our balloon send off to Amelia. This time i did something different i decided to really write on it, i wrote a long letter to her. Once i was done and we let the balloons go i realized, what if the balloon lands, what if someone reads my letter to my baby. hmmmmm what does happen to balloons when they go up in the air? any answers out there?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Cherish the moments

Its five days before Christmas and we finished decorating our Christmas tree, although we got our Christmas decorations from storage like two weeks ago. I guess i had no motivation but who really has it anymore? Christmas isn't like what it used to be ya know. I never really was a Christmas person though, i love Thanksgiving and i love to cook so it my favorite holiday, and Halloween, if you want to call that a holiday. Anyhow, we finished the tree and Lillian had a blast. She hung all of the candy canes right in a little section on the bottom of the tree. When i saw that, i laughed so hard. Our dog Buttercup stole a candy cane off of the tree as well, even though Lillian was up pretty late doing the tree, it was worth the memories. After losing a child, you look at life totally different. I take every moment with my family and cherish it. Times are tough for all of us and even when Lou and i are at our worst, i still cherish moments. You have to, that person may pass and then you will no longer have those moments to cherish. We just found out that Lou's Uncle Robin is quickly losing his battle with cancer. Like i said, Cherish your moments. I'm still not done with the quilts so what i think i am going to do is finish the kids ones and then take the pieces i have to my moms and Lou's moms and give it to them to show them what i have coming but it is just taking a while. I do have my Aunt helping though. Today was another bad day. I had to take my Nana to the hospital, she is 93 and has emphysema and was having trouble breathing. Turns out she has Double pneumonia. they are going to keep her a few days, she was pissed. She kept huffing and puffing. she clearly did not want to stay. I'm going to say a few extra prayers tonight.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

December 19, 2009

So Christmas is just a few days away and i am no where near done Christmas shopping. I did get a few things but there are still a lot of other things i have to get. Most of my family is done because their stuff is being made but i haven't really finished shopping for Lillian. I know i am going to go nuts on presents for Lil this year. I have a budget and its about the same i would have spent on the two girls combined but since Amelia is no longer with us i am going to buy Lilly extra. I look at it like this, i would have spent that amount if Amelia hadn't passed so why stop now and if i were to have more children i would buy for three instead of two because i would have anyway. Does that make sense? The quilts are coming along pretty well but i don't think all of the stuff is going to be done on time. I guess i better get my ass in gear. I'm a little better today as compared to the other day when i had a few break downs. you feel like your moving forward, your doing good and then you have a set back like that and you feel like your back at square one trying to build your strength again. it sucks, i hate it. I often wish that i could just go back to the day Amelia passed and i wish i would have held her a little longer before she went to sleep, i wish i would have checked on her earlier then when i did. I think that i would have caught her in the middle of her seizure and maybe i could have prevented her death. I know that everyone says that no matter what i would have done she would have passed but i think differently. Like i have said before as a Mother, your a protector, a healer, a provider and when i wasn't able to protect her, heal her and provide the help she needed during that time, i have failed. I can honestly say i feel like a failure. Any mother out there I'm sure can relate to me not with the death part but has your child ever gotten hurt or broke a bone and you feel like you could have prevented it? you feel like you have failed your child or failed parenthood. That ache in your heart, the guilt. That's what i feel like every single day. Time for bed, good night Blog world!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

December 17, 2009

Today is a better day for me then the last few. I am trying to keep it together by keeping myself busy so that way i don't think about anything. I have a lot going on in my life right now and I'm not really sure where i am going or what i am doing. One day at a time i am told but its hard. I have so much guilt inside me. I know i say this a lot but its true. Why didn't God take me? I would rather him take me and leave my girls. It has really dawned on me today that Lillian is going to grow up to be a only child and i am not happy about that. When i was a little girl i had this envision that i was going to be a mom of many children. I was going to be successful and i was going to be happy. I am non of thee about. i really am not going anywhere in my direction i chose. In my envision i already had a few kids. I am going to have a hysterectomy next month. My endo is so bad that he doesn't want to let it go much longer. which i don't want to be in all that pain anyway. I don't want another laparoscopy either so the next step is hyst. I thought about freezing my eggs. I said this years ago before i got married, before i had children. Everyone laughed at me but i knew. I knew i was going to lose my "womanly stuff" sooner then others. Just like i had a feeling that i needed to keep Amelia closer to me then Lillian and I'm glad i did. I guess i could adopt! i would love to give a child a home that needs one, give a child love who needs it and provide for a child as well. Well i guess i am going to go rest a bit maybe do some laundry and really think where my life is going and what am i going to do. missing you baby face! oh i wanted to quickly wish my sister a Happy 30th Birthday Gretchen, you old fart!

Monday, December 14, 2009

December 14, 2009

I was a complete mess yesterday and i am today as well. Its Monday and that means another week has passed. 34 weeks to be exact. As all of you know she passed on a Monday so Mondays are hard for me. What really gets to me is the memories of her. That's one thing i am really afraid of is losing her memory. She is my precious gem and i don't want to forget that. A lot of people tell me that i will never forget her memory but do me a favor, think back to a childhood memory. Can you remember every single detail? No, you cant. Over time your memory starts to fade. I know that over time i am going to lose part of her memory just like every other memory and i am afraid of that. That's all i have of her is a memory. Today is another rough day for me just like yesterday. Yesterday i found her book bag and today i found some crafty things she made at school for Easter. Ya know, Easter was her last holiday to celebrate. She passed about two weeks after words, well not even but you get the point. I recently wrote in my blogs about the steps or the process of healing and if you remember i put that you may be at step 3 but then you go right back to step 1. Its ok. Today my therapist told me i am strong and that i am an inspiration but am i really? Come on, there's no way. I have said this before, if i didn't have my Lilly, i would have killed myself the week Amelia passed. Lillian is my strength, she is my rock, she is what keeps me going. I have to be strong for her i have to be a mom to her still. Its not her fault and i never want her to think that it is. Today we did our balloon send off like we do every Monday since Amelia's birthday. This is something that helps me send my love to her i think. There is something therapeutic that helps. A lot of people say, you buy three balloons every Monday to let go? Isn't that a waste? No its not, this is for my baby and sometimes i get a big big balloon that is like 10 or 13 dollars, i don't care. It is the only way i have to show my love to Amelia. Until you experience something like i have, you may think differently but for those mothers and fathers who are in my position, you understand. I'm going to go to bed and take a xanx or two. haha, it does help. ex specially with the other meds. Missing you baby girl!!!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A set back

Well i had a set back today, i was doing good. I wasn't thinking about Christmas coming up because i am keeping myself busy with the quilts but then we were supposed to get snow so i decided today to go to our storage bin and get the Christmas stuff, our tree, decorations and so on. Downstairs where our room is at Lou's parents there is also a living room area and a room where there is a bar so i decided to put up our Christmas tree so that way we can have our own Christmas. So i went to storage and i came across some of Amelia's belongings and then i saw it. It killed me! It was her book bag for school. I touched it and i immediately was flooded with memories and emotions. Memories of her going to school, how happy she was at school. I remembered waking up in the morning and getting her ready for school. She loved school. On our way to school she would ask me to turn the radio up and she would sing the songs Taylor Swift, or Miley Cirus or Beyonce. Those were just a few of her favorites but she knew every song. I would pull up to school in my Jeep Cherokee and i would hand her lip gloss and she put it on. I would get her out and as soon as we would hit the front door i was not the important one to her anymore, she was at school. haha She would drop her book bag and run over to where the kids were, she wouldn't even hang it up. I walked over to her and would always ask for a kiss. She would then kiss me and say she loved me and i would leave. Whenever i got into the car i would sit for a sec and i would feel lost. My baby girl is growing up. Shes in school. I then would go home and at times i was clueless. I was angry as well, her book bag really didn't get much attention, she wasn't in school for very long but i do have to be grateful she got to experience it. I grabbed her book bag and i hugged it so tight, tighter then i have hugged anything in a long time. I just want my baby back. i want to hold her, i want to sing to her and dance with her. I want to hear her laugh and see that smile. I want to watch her move her hair out of her face like she did often and i want to see her. When your baby passes a piece of you do as well and i want that back. I want the full me back but the only way i will get it back is if she comes back.

Friday, December 11, 2009

my projects

well i started to make the quilts and boy i didn't think it was this much work. I'm really considering my choices of Christmas gifts, that's for sure. I have two quilts and four blankets to make. WTF! I got one square done to a piece of the quilt and i am no where near done and i only have a few days to finish. Oh boy i am full of a load of work. I think these quilts are going to be a hit, maybe i have a new niche. I know i can be a bake shop owner that sells handmade crafts, memory blankets and baked goods for your everyday needs. I've got it. i figured it out.... i know i know, I'm amazing. haha! i think i am starting to have some sort of closure though. Cutting up the pieces of clothing that was Amelia's and going through the memories of the clothes. For example, Amelia had a pair of PJ's that had Tinkerbell on them, i remembered her birthday when she got them, i remember her wearing them and so on. All of the clothes i cut i did that with, so taking the clothes apart at the seam and then cutting into strips really gave me some sort of closure and i liked it. I felt at peace for once and i felt okay with it. It really opened up some doors for me to accept Amelia's passing, not in full but a bit and to accept to get rid of a few of her belongings, nothing meaningful but i was able to give my mom a my little pony toy that Amelia played with, things like that. I really feel like i am moving in the right direction.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

My idea

So since money is tight this year, for everyone i am thinking of making my gifts for people. I want my gifts to be meaning full as they should be. I first thought i would give away some of Amelia's items like her books or a favorite pair of shoes or something along those lines but i couldn't do it. I sat and thought ok well for my mom i can make her a blanket,no a quilt. I am going to make a quilt out of Amelia's clothing, the ones that had a bit of meaning but nothing too serious that i felt i need to keep. Then after i decided about that i decided to make my niece and Lou's niece a blanket, and then my siblings i would make a pillow or something. I then came across fabric paper, i can print pictures out on fabric paper and sew them onto the blankets. So that is my mission for the next two weeks, blankets, pillows and a whole lot of sewing. I'm excited for these projects. They are going to keep my mind off of things, they are going to make me strong around the holiday. A time when i need to be. Do you think this is a good idea?

Monday, December 7, 2009

December 7, 2009

So i know Christmas is quickly approaching and i know it is going to be rough. People around me often reassure me that its going to be hard. No shit as if i didn't know that. This is the first Christmas without Amelia, of course it is going to be. I have to keep telling myself that she would want me to move on and to be happy. Amelia hated it when i was upset or when i cried, if she saw me now crying all the time she would not like it. When i was often upset she would come over to me and hug me or stroke my hair. I have to be strong for Lillian as well. A few people had mentioned to me, what are you going to do for Christmas, meaning how can you deal with Lillian and Amelia not being here. I have to be strong for Lillian and i do have to celebrate Christmas because this is Lillian's first Christmas that she can really understand it and enjoy her presents. I started to tell her about Santa and his purpose. She now can identify Santa and that is really exciting for me , but yet there is so much guilt inside. Its not easy being a mom to Lillian but yet trying to mourn Amelia's passing. I try to be the best that i can be and do the best i can do but sometimes i feel like its not enough and it will never be enough. I'm not talking about my marriage or life in general I'm talking about being a mom. I feel like i took away a special bond for Lillian, i feel like i took away her best friend, her sister. So i now feel like i have to make up more and show her more attention then i would. My therapist says that this is normal and that guilt is part of the process, although i didn't put it in my 5 steps.

Today was a rough day for me. I have alot going on in my mind, emotionally. I'm not sure what i am going to do or where i stand in my life. Every where i turn there feels like there is pressure. Pressure to be a good mom, pressure to be a good wife, a good friend, a sister, a daughter and so on. I feel like i am spiraling down, the walls are closing in and my heart races. I know it is normal for me to have anxiety, ex specially since Amelia has passed. Who wouldn't have anxiety i found my daughter blue. I hate to say the d word. I have recently talked to others that have experienced losses and they cant say the D word either. They say Pass or passed. I wish sometimes people would understand that i am not as strong as i look. I think i am going to close this post tonight, I'm not up to writing. good night blog world!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

To my readers!

First i would like to thank all of you for reading my posts and being a part of this journey with me. Going through this is hard so i appreciate all that is given, all your thoughts, prayers and love. I would love for you to post comments on my blog and about my posts. Thank you again and i love you all! God Bless!!!

December 3, 2009

December, oh December. I wasn't ready for this. I'm dreading Christmas, December and all that is in between How am i supposed to get through this holiday? I cant the same as i did for Thanks giving because Thanksgiving isn't Christmas. It wasn't just Christmas that is bothering me but what really bothered me is i am a few weeks shy of a new year. This means that when i speak about Amelia in four weeks i will say she passed away last year. I don't like the sound of that. I'm not ready to let go of her i am not ready to let go of her memory and that is what i feel like if the new year comes I will have to let go of her. I am crushed for it to be December but i am also happy because it is Lillian's first ever holiday to really understand it and to really get it. I know Christmas is going go t be bittersweet. Why wouldn't it be. Lillian's first "real" holiday but its our first without Amelia. Why did my baby have to go? I went to Walmart today with Lou and he and i walked through the toy section. Like i did on Black Friday i looked at the shelves and often mention about how much Amelia would have liked the stuff that i saw. There were cars stuff and princess stuff and littlest pet shops stuff. I threw a few things into the cart that I thought we should get for Lillian but i noticed that it was all older things. Things that we would have gotten for Amelia. I have a fear of pushing Lillian to grow up to fill that void of Amelia being gone and that scares me. I don't want to do that. Its not right for Lillian nor for me. For those who read this who have children deceased or alive, never try to fill a void with your children. Don't try to make them fill the void of love or loneliness. They are children and let them be children. Onething that i did learn and ive taken from Amelia passing, something i accepted and i will pass along is if you have laundry laying around let it go, the dishes, do them later. Your time with your children are precious and take anytime you have with them and use it as if its the last time you ever have with them. I wish i would have known that my last times with Amelia were going to be my last time because i would have held my baby forever. Before Amelia passed away she would want something or Lillian would want something thing and i would say not right now, or in a second. If she would ask me for a hug or a kiss and i was in the middle of doing the dishes or cooking i would say just a sec and then walk over to her about 15 min later and give her what she wanted. Laundry or cooking or whatever always seemed to take over my time with my girls, i let it take over. I ask all of you out there, all this stuff can wait even if its for a minuet. Give your children the time they need, time is precious.