December 3, 2009

December, oh December. I wasn't ready for this. I'm dreading Christmas, December and all that is in between How am i supposed to get through this holiday? I cant the same as i did for Thanks giving because Thanksgiving isn't Christmas. It wasn't just Christmas that is bothering me but what really bothered me is i am a few weeks shy of a new year. This means that when i speak about Amelia in four weeks i will say she passed away last year. I don't like the sound of that. I'm not ready to let go of her i am not ready to let go of her memory and that is what i feel like if the new year comes I will have to let go of her. I am crushed for it to be December but i am also happy because it is Lillian's first ever holiday to really understand it and to really get it. I know Christmas is going go t be bittersweet. Why wouldn't it be. Lillian's first "real" holiday but its our first without Amelia. Why did my baby have to go? I went to Walmart today with Lou and he and i walked through the toy section. Like i did on Black Friday i looked at the shelves and often mention about how much Amelia would have liked the stuff that i saw. There were cars stuff and princess stuff and littlest pet shops stuff. I threw a few things into the cart that I thought we should get for Lillian but i noticed that it was all older things. Things that we would have gotten for Amelia. I have a fear of pushing Lillian to grow up to fill that void of Amelia being gone and that scares me. I don't want to do that. Its not right for Lillian nor for me. For those who read this who have children deceased or alive, never try to fill a void with your children. Don't try to make them fill the void of love or loneliness. They are children and let them be children. Onething that i did learn and ive taken from Amelia passing, something i accepted and i will pass along is if you have laundry laying around let it go, the dishes, do them later. Your time with your children are precious and take anytime you have with them and use it as if its the last time you ever have with them. I wish i would have known that my last times with Amelia were going to be my last time because i would have held my baby forever. Before Amelia passed away she would want something or Lillian would want something thing and i would say not right now, or in a second. If she would ask me for a hug or a kiss and i was in the middle of doing the dishes or cooking i would say just a sec and then walk over to her about 15 min later and give her what she wanted. Laundry or cooking or whatever always seemed to take over my time with my girls, i let it take over. I ask all of you out there, all this stuff can wait even if its for a minuet. Give your children the time they need, time is precious.