December 19, 2009

So Christmas is just a few days away and i am no where near done Christmas shopping. I did get a few things but there are still a lot of other things i have to get. Most of my family is done because their stuff is being made but i haven't really finished shopping for Lillian. I know i am going to go nuts on presents for Lil this year. I have a budget and its about the same i would have spent on the two girls combined but since Amelia is no longer with us i am going to buy Lilly extra. I look at it like this, i would have spent that amount if Amelia hadn't passed so why stop now and if i were to have more children i would buy for three instead of two because i would have anyway. Does that make sense? The quilts are coming along pretty well but i don't think all of the stuff is going to be done on time. I guess i better get my ass in gear. I'm a little better today as compared to the other day when i had a few break downs. you feel like your moving forward, your doing good and then you have a set back like that and you feel like your back at square one trying to build your strength again. it sucks, i hate it. I often wish that i could just go back to the day Amelia passed and i wish i would have held her a little longer before she went to sleep, i wish i would have checked on her earlier then when i did. I think that i would have caught her in the middle of her seizure and maybe i could have prevented her death. I know that everyone says that no matter what i would have done she would have passed but i think differently. Like i have said before as a Mother, your a protector, a healer, a provider and when i wasn't able to protect her, heal her and provide the help she needed during that time, i have failed. I can honestly say i feel like a failure. Any mother out there I'm sure can relate to me not with the death part but has your child ever gotten hurt or broke a bone and you feel like you could have prevented it? you feel like you have failed your child or failed parenthood. That ache in your heart, the guilt. That's what i feel like every single day. Time for bed, good night Blog world!