Monday, September 28, 2009
My birthday is coming up next week and I'm stressing over it. I wont be able to spend it with Amelia like i used to. Last year for my birthday, she came in the house from the store with Lou ran to me with a gift bag full of goodies. It was so sweet. She was a lover, she loved everyone and she was so friendly. Very outgoing. When i think of the memories i have of her, i close my eyes so tight and keep telling myself them because i want them to be as vivid as they are and never fade. I always want those memories to stay and never leave. I'm afraid i will forget her. I don't like even thinking of that, it immediately makes me sick to my stomach. Thinking of her right now is making me cry but laugh at the same time. She would wiggle her butt, often when she danced. I laughed so hard. I remember onetime i was doing my Carmen Electra work out, its called fit to strip and it teaches you some sexy moves and she was doing it with me the one day. Oh my goodness, then she stuck her butt out and smacked it. I laughed so hard. In the morning after breakfast i would sometimes dance with the girls during my cleaning. I would blast the music, and i came across this CD, it was a older CD with mixed songs i think it was like a NOW CD. Anyway, it had that Jermaine Dupri song, she said and the Ferrari and Jaguar switching four lanes, cash out money ain't a thang. I looked up and lost it. I said, how do you know this song? I sent her dad a text asking if he listened to that song and he said no but i didn't care, i laughed so hard. I think she would have been a artist, choreographer, musician, something along those lines. She was creative and outgoing. I know she would have been successful. She was 3 and knew more sign language then most adults know, i brag about her alot but i cant express how amazing she truly was. When i tell people about her, i think they think that i fabricate the stories a bit but there is no fabrication here. Pure honesty!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I cant sleep, tossing and turning all night. Its been 154 days since my little girl has passed. I haven't seen her in my dreams in a while and I'm getting a bit angry over it. I want to see her, i need to see her. Any other mother would understand. When i think of things about her, i often bring myself, in my mind back to her funeral. I wanted to just hold her one more time. Hold her like i used to in my arms and rock her back and forth back and forth telling her, ill love you forever, ill like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. That was from a book i used to read to her called ill love you for ever. Its a story about a mother and a son. The mother at night would hold her son and sing that song to him and as he got older and grew up she would go over to his house, and then one day she became ill and he went to her house and sang Ill love you forever, ill like you for always, as long as I'm living, my mommy you'll be. Then after he did that he goes home and goes to the top of the steps where is new born baby girl is and he does the something to her. Anyway i used to read that to the girls at night, and hold them and do the same thing. Now i feel guilty, i don't even read Lillian a book. Its not that i don't want to, i just fear that if i do that same routine like i did before with the girls, that ill lose Lillian too. I just want my life back, my family back. In others eyes, i guess i look so strong, but in mine, I'm crushed! I get angry with myself, i should have spoken at her funeral. I wanted to say so many things, i didn't want to let her go, The last memory i have of my little girl, the last time i saw her, she was in a wooden box, but she looked so beautiful. She was beautiful! I want to know what she is going to look like when she got older, would she have freckles, what was she going to be when she grew up? would she have a family? oh i hate it, hate it, hate it! why did my little girl pass away? Why did God think i was strong enough to go through this? I can barely handle my MS, and daily life, now i have this. I wouldn't even call it a obstacle, it is a mountain to climb, will i ever make it to the top? will i ever be OK? will i be able to handle it?
Friday, September 18, 2009
Everyday that passes i pray that the next day will get better that was until recently. My step fathers step mother Kat, also known as Gigi told me that when ask God for strength that he puts another bump in the road. So now i don't ask God for strength although when i am saying my prayers i do think of asking him more then once. Recently, Amelia's passing has taken a toll on my marriage. It is not easy, I often find myself feeling alone, although I'm not. I don't understand that Lou is going through the same thing I am, I guess i think because he is a guy, that he has no feelings and therefor he doesn't understand, but he does. I feel alone alot and i know I'm not. I try to redirect my hurt feelings and anger into something like baking or painting. The first two weeks after Amelia passed away, i redecorated my house. I got new decorations, and added pictures, mostly her art work from school or at home projects and i framed them. I gave one to Emeril Lagasse. He was honored to have something she drew while he was on tv. Today in the shower which this is the time when i usually think, the shower or while I'm driving, well anytime I'm alone and i can think. I was thinking of Amelia and her last moments with me. I have it replaying in my mind constantly. I HATE IT! I think I'm going to invent a pill that erases post traumatic stress,
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I'm starting to get a bit pissed off these days. My therapist told me that this is part of the whole mourning stages. First is denial, Then acceptance, then anger, then pain and all that bullshit. I'm bitter, I'm bitter to everyone and i don't care. I never was a heartless person but i am now. Alot of other things are factors as well but if i am crying over my child passing away, please don't come up to me and tell me about your child's success stories. There is a time and place for everything and that is not the time for it. I have alot of jealousy as well, and I'm told this is also normal. Well how can i not be jealous, all around me are little girls, Amelia's age and their dancing, and laughing and stuff and my baby's not. Even when I'm at the grocery store and i see a three year old girl or a four year old girl and i get angry. Why? Why me? Why my family? I understand Amelia was sick, sicker then anyone knew. I blame the doctors, its their fault that my baby is not here today. I asked the neurologist on April 3, down at St. Christopher's hospital in Philadelphia if its possible she could die from a seizure, he said its impossible and the only way would be if she banged her head, or choked on something. Nothing of the sort happened, Airways were clear, no damage to the body, head trauma, nothing. She had such a severe seizure that her little body couldn't handle it and all of her systems shut down. i miss her, I'm angry at the world and i want her back
Thursday, September 10, 2009
There has been so much stress in my life, i have no idea where to turn. I know i have family and friends who I'm able to talk to but when i want to talk it seems like i cant, or its too uncomfortable or they wont understand. I know there are other moms out there that have lost children and can relate to my pain and sorrow but i often think, can they. Did they find their child dead in her bed, did they find their child blue and did they try to do CPR on their child like i did and not succeed? I feel like a failure. So i decided I'm going to go to college and become a pediatric nurse. I couldn't save my baby's life but maybe i can save another child's life. I sent in my application today so I'm hoping that i will hear something back. Alot of people in my life think that becoming a nurse is not a good idea or tell me that i cant stomach blood or gross things but i say, after what i went through, i can handle anything. Although the thought of a limb hanging off of someones body does gross me out, but i would still take care of that child and do my best to keep him/her in good health. A part of me wants to just do it to throw it in their faces that I'm not dumb and i can do something like this. Maybe this is what i need, a change in my life, a positive change!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Has it really been 20 Mondays? Many people would think that 2o isn't alot, eh its only 5 months but for me it seems like years. Mondays are the hardest for me, i hate them and i do anything in my power to try to bring myself closer to her on Mondays. Little things like wear Hannah Montana socks, there is a story behind them. For Easter this year she got a pair of Hannah Montana socks in her Easter basket. She was a fan. Well the day she passed away that morning, i was cleaning up their Easter baskets and i said here's you socks meals. She went to put them on and they were too big. She said, " Here mommy, you can have my Hannah Montana socks." and then handed them to me. I was soo in love, she was giving and great. So i put them on, i was excited about it. We were sitting on her bed then teaching Lillian words and Amelia was excited because Lillian said ball, which meals had Easter eggs on her socks and Lillian called them balls. We were so proud. Then Louie came in Amelia's room and she said, "you look yummy Louie." we both had a laugh, I told Lou, prior to Amelia saying that, that he looked yummy. He had a nice outfit on. Anyway so on Mondays, I often tell Louie he looks yummy, and i wear Hannah Montana socks, I went and bought a few more and a few Mater ones too, that was her other favorite. I started a tradition and Lillian has caught on. Every Monday since her Birthday Balloon Send off me, Lou, and Lilly let three balloons go in the air. Sometimes we will write on them or sometimes they are blank. Monday nights after Lillian's tubby, which now we have to do it earlier because of the time change it gets darker sooner, but as soon as i get the balloons Lillian says, boon boons to sissy, which means, balloons up to sissy. Ive always heard stories of people losing a child and i always thought, not me. That will never happen to me, once it did, i realized anything is possible in this world.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I cant express enough how much i hate that my baby is not here. I often tell myself that she is on vacation in Virginia with her dad visiting her Grandma because i don't want to believe she is gone. I think that is my way of coping. I think about her constantly and as soon as i think of her death not her but the death part i say no no nos shes with Tom, or she is sleeping out at her dads tonight or today. Like a never ending Saturday. She would go to her dads from Saturday until Sunday so i would say she is with him. I'm heartbroken, and i hate closing my eyes at night. i hate having those visions of the day i found her. i want my baby back, i want to hold her and cuddle at night like i used to. i have a lot of breakdowns and most recent i try to do it alone. i don't want people to see me like that. Especially since we are staying with my in laws, i don't want them to see me cry. Sometimes i think they think that i am heartless because when they talk about Amelia i kind of shrug off what they say and that's because if i keep talking then i will lose it and i cant let my little girl see me like that. I often save my crying for bedtime or when I'm in the shower. Every night i cry, i don't think that will ever change. I m hoping that it will get easier.