Saturday, July 25, 2009
UGH! i had a break down today, a bad one. I was in the basement doing wash separating clothes and there right there on the floor, right in front of me was her shirt. A white shirt that she wore on Sunday, the Sunday we went to the park the Sunday we went for ice cream the Sunday, the day before she died. I picked it up. it was still soft and had a stain of tooth paste on it. I held it so tight. I then sniffed it, did it smell like her, it sure did. Immediately i started to cry. This is the smell i was looking for. I sent all of these nights smelling something that did not smell like my baby this shirt did. oh god Amelia, why? I fell to my knees and lost it. i cried for a good fifteen min hard. There was a spider on the floor so i walked over to a chair and sat on it, holding her shirt so tight and crying. i just want that big hug back and that smile. Oh she would light up a room when she walked in. she would make people laugh at her silly ways and she was well mannered. She knew the proper things to do. I swear she was going to be a dancer or a singer. she loved music and artsy stuff. Alot like me. About 45 min later, Lou came down stairs asking me what i was doing. I just kept crying. He picked me up and helped me upstairs, I went right to our bedroom, laid in bed and cuddled with her littlest pet shop horse. On the horse are her socks that she wore that day. I took them off of her after they pronounced her because i didn't want anyone to take them. They already have her shirt, her jeans and her under shirt. They are not getting her dirty socks. ha ha. they have stains on them and everything. I grabbed the LPS horse and curled up and cried. I let months of agony out. Lou laid next to me with Lillian, not sure what to do, he did comfort me but i didn't want to be bothered. I just wanted to cry, and i did.
Another Monday here and gone. Its been 7 weeks, 49 days or what have you. sometimes i feel like counting is going to make things better. Sometimes i think that ignoring it is going to make things better. I know nothing is going to change this feeling in my heart. Nothing is going to make her come back. I have had people tell me to take it day by day, how the hell am i supposed to, or have faith. Faith? how is that possible, I've started to heat myself up about Amelia passing. I blame myself, I know i heard a heartbeat when i found her, but i didn't do CPR good enough. Is that the case? They said that when i found her that she was already passed but i beg the differ. I know my baby was alive and i didn't do what i needed to do to save her. I'm a failure. That is how i feel. Maybe today is a bad day for me, Although people have said that it will get better, when? i need it to get better, now. I need to be able to move forward and possibly live my life again. Live for my baby, but i cant. There is always something holding me back. This is a honest struggle with a mother who has lost a child. I have talked to a few moms of deceased children and all of them are the same way. Some of them didn't even get to see their children before they passed. I was fortunate to kiss her and tell her i loved her. Sometimes i want to crawl up in a Little ball in the corner and cry, hit myself and yell and scream. Sometimes when i cry Lillian kisses my head or leg or says mom, mom, mommy. Even through all of this struggle emotionally, Lillian makes me smile and laugh. I'm not much of a mom or a wife lately, I'm just there.
Every Monday i remind myself that on this day at this time she did this and then i went to check on her and she was like this and blah blah blah. Why cant they provide pills to people, not anxiety pills but does that erase the damage that is done to your brain. Maybe there would be a lot less killers and suicides if that was the case. I want it all to go away. I cant lay Lillian down at her normal nap time, and i cant feed her Chef boy r D's, and i cant check on her anymore when she sleeps. I feel like I've become this horrible mom because i feel like I'm punishing Lillian and my family. Lou doesn't get sleep because at night i beg him to stay awake with me, please don't fall asleep, it will be 3 AM and i will ask him to stay up with me. He does try i have to say but times he does fall asleep. I cant check on her, i always tell him. Please Lou stay awake. I cant eat, i cant sleep, the only thing i do do good at is crying. Sometimes i cry so hard that no tears come out, or i cry so hard that i get sick to my stomach. will it ever go away? the pain of losing Amelia, the pain of not seeing her, the guilt i have for not letting her do this and that. Will all of that go away? Everyday Lilly calls for her sissy, She goes to her urn and wants to kiss it and rub it. I cry, I cry when people are looking i cry in the shower when nobody is looking. I stare at little girls who resemble my sweet pea, i wonder everyday what she would have been when she grew up, would she have gotten married, oh she would have been beautiful on her wedding day. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? i will always question the whys? I'm sure i will never have an answer.
i have to do something with myself. I'm losing my mind, everyday i await for the mail to arrive, everyday i find something that is Amelia's and i don't want to let it go. Going to a Therapist is not helping. Every night i cant fall asleep because i keep replaying rolling Amelia over and the color, the smell, the touch everything makes my skin crawl. When i do fall asleep i wake up suddenly and I'm afraid to check on Lilly. Its been weeks since i slept a full 8 hours. I have to have someone spend the night, especially on a Monday night because those are the worst days for me. When i start to think about her, i try to redirect my thoughts because my stomach suddenly becomes this nasty rumbling pit where i feel like my insides are turning and twisting. I cant live like this anymore, i cant take it anymore. I don't want to stay in this house, I'm going to lose my mind. people say i have post traumatic stress disorder, well no shit, i found my baby...... I'm not sure if anyone who reads this blog noticed that i don't write dead or death very often i say passed, i cant bring myself to say dead or died or anything like that. So i say passed. It sounds so suttle and pretty compared to dead. that word is so blunt and harsh. I gotta find a hobby, a trade, something to get my mind off of this stuff.
Has it really been 35 days since my baby passed away. Why does it seem like just yesterday. I can still hear every ones voice that was in the hospital. It keeps echoing in my head. I'm sorry, they have worked on her for over an hour, there is nothing we can do, people crying. Even the nurses in the trauma unit were crying. I just wanted to hold my baby, hear her tell me that she loved me. i want to hold her, take these tubes out, why did this happen. I kept asking those questions. Linda, the one lady who helps people at their time was amazing. She was helpful and soft spoken. She grabbed me a chair and then i said i wanted to walk back up to the table where my daughter laid. I want to hold her, can i pick her up, please let me pick her up. They said no, i couldn't, they couldn't take the tubes out, couldn't pick her up. What the fuck! That's my baby, my life, my joy and now i cant even touch her. I was angry, sad, disgusted, all in one. They said i could lay next to her on the table, so i got up there and she was covered with a blanket besides her face and head. They said we needed to keep her warm so i kept getting more blankets and trying to cuddle with her. i kept rubbing her arm and crying, WHY! they told me to touch her gently, and only touch in certain parts. I didn't understand this is my baby, if i want to rub her arms or legs or kiss her head i will. A flew of family members came in the room, my sister in law, my sisters, my mom, my in laws, my dad, my cousins, tom and his girlfriend. Every time someone would walk in the room and see me laying next to her they would cry. I was trying to be strong but just Two hours ago my little girl was talking to me. Hi mommy and i love you mommy, now she is in this cold room, people crying and not saying anything. I looked over at Lou and Linda had rushed and gotten him a chair. He didn't look too good. Every ones cries, every ones yells. They are all fresh in my mind today and I'm sure they will be forever. They said the coroner wanted to come in the room so we had to leave. I walked out of the Trauma unit, red eyed and in a blur. The hallway was covered with my family. I was shocked. Some didn't even get to know Amelia. I walked to the first room and sat. I balled my eyes out, i curled up in a ball and cried. Every Monday, i relive this day. The sounds, the smells, the touches. I wish i could go back 5 months, i would change a ton of things. Sometimes i feel like what i did in the past is paying me back. If that is the case this is torture. I miss u Amelia!
Its been a while where I have been excited to do something so going out to dinner at Emeril Lagassees Chop House that just opened up in our area is going to be a nice change. I'm excited to get dressed up and do my hair. I feel important. Lately anything to boost my self confidence would be nice. I put on a really pretty black and white polka dot dress that had lime green accents. It was adorable and i got a ton of compliments on it. I wore these really high shoes and i felt nice. had my flower in my hair like usual. Although i felt great outside and i felt pretty and important, I didn't want to go. I felt like i shouldn't celebrate, i shouldn't go out and do something. I had so much guilt inside that i seriously considered not going. i did go and I'm glad i did. The food was excellent, we got to see Emeril again and shake his hand, put some money in the slots and just enjoy ourselves. I was ok when we were gone, its when I got home that night. This was wrong, I said to Lou. How can i go out and celebrate and she is not here. My baby is gone and im out and about like nothing ever happened. I feel like a careless monster. He said I cant mope around and not do anything. I have to stop blaming myself for her death. its not healthy for me. You know he is right, When we lose someone dear to us, a child, a parent, a friend. Someone whom we share so much love with, well we blame ourselves and we hold on. Its not good to do that, i know I'm trying to give advice as to not hold on, personally, i have to. That is my baby, i will fever hold on but i will move on too. That's where people get stuck, they d0n't want to move on, which there is nothing wrong with that. Eventually one day you will have to let go, and I'm scared for that day.
I never in a million years would have thought that i would have a child pass away. NEVER! today is exactly 30 days, one month. Everyday i beat myself up with the what ifs and i should ofs. I know that in my heart it was her time, I'm not sure why but it was. Another part of me, is angry. Why didn't you push harder when you were giving her CPR, why didn't you check on her sooner. Some days i feel like i could have prevented it and others i don't, or at least i try to convince myself that there was nothing i could have done. All of those mothers out there, as a parent its our responsibility to take care of and protect our babies. I didn't and i couldn't. That is where i am get angry at myself. I always would promise her that i would never let anything happen to her and just a few days before she passed i woke up one morning and went to go check on her. Lillian was still sleeping but Amelia was up. She was a early bird. Always woke up happy and ready to go. I went into her room and decided i was going to lay in bed with her. She always asked me if i was cold, that was her way of getting me under the covers. She would say are you cold mommy or are you OK for now. When i didn't want to get under the covers i would say no baby, I'm OK. So this day i decided i wanted to get under the covers with her, and the blanket she had on her bed was so soft, i always borrowed it if i was sick and she wasn't home, ha ha. So her and i were cuddling in her bed and just talking. I would tell her stories and stuff. Well for Christmas she got the littlest pet shops VIPs, she had two a cat and a horse. The horse she got recently but the cat was a Christmas gift, which i got on black Friday at 430 AM at Kohl's, lol. So we were laying there and i realized that i didn't take off the VIP thingy so that way we can interact with it. i tried my hardest to get that damn thing open, i never did. but she thought it was great, instead i told her a story. There is one thing i did regret, and that is never finishing the Twit book. Some nights her and i would lay me and Lou's bed and i would cuddle up with her, her blanket, the VIP pets and her chocolate milk and i would read her a few pages of her book. I'm not sure why it was the Twit book but she loved it, maybe how they played jokes on each other or maybe because i would talk with a dirty teeth less accent. She would laugh when Mr. Twit would call Mrs. Twit an old bag. I never finished the book. That makes me upset. I guess i could sit here and type and tape about how i should have did this and i never got to do that. I think once i receive the autopsy results i may have some sort of closure.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
So it has deffinetly been a rough couple days for me. I feel so alone sometimes. I just got back from my therapy appointment and sometimes these damn things dont help. I understand that therapy is there to help me get through this hard time in my life and others but it doesnt take away the nightmares, the shakes from being scared before i check on lillian or even the anxiety of being alone. I replay the scenes in my head of the day Amelia died over and over and over. Its like its on replay. At night when i lay in bed and Lou is sleeping i just think and think and think, or when im in the shower, or driving in my car. If im alone im thinking. I do try to have my aunt come over but it doesnt always help. Lou is there but sometimes hes not, he has errands he has to do or other things and he cant be here always. I wish there was a medication that you could take that would erase all the negative things in your brain. I do try to keep myself busy but no matter what im doing i still have that horrific memory in my brain as the last time i saw my princess. I always try to think back to right before i found her the way we did. i think about how beautiful she is and her face and the love she gave me. I beat myself up alot because she asked to cuddle and i said not now. I get angry with myself a whole lot over that. That is one thing that us as moms do. We tend to quickly blow off things like that because we have to clean or do laundry or cook, those things are the most important. I realize that now after the fact but i know in the future i will cherish those little moments when i can and i do. In exactly one month today will be Amelias birthday. Her 4th birthday. We are having a little balloon ceramony so i hope it turns out well.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
So its a few days since my dream and i stopped over to my moms house. I had to tell her about my dream. I cant get this guy out of my mind. So i told her all the details and then explained the and to her. She said that that was my grandfather who passed a few years prior. I asked her if she had a picture of him when he was younger and she went back to her room and grabbed a picture of him back when he was in this 40's. As soon as i saw the picture i broke down and cried. It was the man in my dreams. I couldn't believe it. So now my questions are answered i really did see Amelia and that really was my grandfather. I'm in shock. Since that day every night i close my eyes and i wish i would see Amelia again. I need to see her again. Although since my dream of her i have been a wreck but i know that one day i will see her again. I wonder if anyone else has had an encounter like this?