Saturday, July 25, 2009
Has it really been 35 days since my baby passed away. Why does it seem like just yesterday. I can still hear every ones voice that was in the hospital. It keeps echoing in my head. I'm sorry, they have worked on her for over an hour, there is nothing we can do, people crying. Even the nurses in the trauma unit were crying. I just wanted to hold my baby, hear her tell me that she loved me. i want to hold her, take these tubes out, why did this happen. I kept asking those questions. Linda, the one lady who helps people at their time was amazing. She was helpful and soft spoken. She grabbed me a chair and then i said i wanted to walk back up to the table where my daughter laid. I want to hold her, can i pick her up, please let me pick her up. They said no, i couldn't, they couldn't take the tubes out, couldn't pick her up. What the fuck! That's my baby, my life, my joy and now i cant even touch her. I was angry, sad, disgusted, all in one. They said i could lay next to her on the table, so i got up there and she was covered with a blanket besides her face and head. They said we needed to keep her warm so i kept getting more blankets and trying to cuddle with her. i kept rubbing her arm and crying, WHY! they told me to touch her gently, and only touch in certain parts. I didn't understand this is my baby, if i want to rub her arms or legs or kiss her head i will. A flew of family members came in the room, my sister in law, my sisters, my mom, my in laws, my dad, my cousins, tom and his girlfriend. Every time someone would walk in the room and see me laying next to her they would cry. I was trying to be strong but just Two hours ago my little girl was talking to me. Hi mommy and i love you mommy, now she is in this cold room, people crying and not saying anything. I looked over at Lou and Linda had rushed and gotten him a chair. He didn't look too good. Every ones cries, every ones yells. They are all fresh in my mind today and I'm sure they will be forever. They said the coroner wanted to come in the room so we had to leave. I walked out of the Trauma unit, red eyed and in a blur. The hallway was covered with my family. I was shocked. Some didn't even get to know Amelia. I walked to the first room and sat. I balled my eyes out, i curled up in a ball and cried. Every Monday, i relive this day. The sounds, the smells, the touches. I wish i could go back 5 months, i would change a ton of things. Sometimes i feel like what i did in the past is paying me back. If that is the case this is torture. I miss u Amelia!