Saturday, July 25, 2009
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday June 1,2,3.
Every Monday i remind myself that on this day at this time she did this and then i went to check on her and she was like this and blah blah blah. Why cant they provide pills to people, not anxiety pills but does that erase the damage that is done to your brain. Maybe there would be a lot less killers and suicides if that was the case. I want it all to go away. I cant lay Lillian down at her normal nap time, and i cant feed her Chef boy r D's, and i cant check on her anymore when she sleeps. I feel like I've become this horrible mom because i feel like I'm punishing Lillian and my family. Lou doesn't get sleep because at night i beg him to stay awake with me, please don't fall asleep, it will be 3 AM and i will ask him to stay up with me. He does try i have to say but times he does fall asleep. I cant check on her, i always tell him. Please Lou stay awake. I cant eat, i cant sleep, the only thing i do do good at is crying. Sometimes i cry so hard that no tears come out, or i cry so hard that i get sick to my stomach. will it ever go away? the pain of losing Amelia, the pain of not seeing her, the guilt i have for not letting her do this and that. Will all of that go away? Everyday Lilly calls for her sissy, She goes to her urn and wants to kiss it and rub it. I cry, I cry when people are looking i cry in the shower when nobody is looking. I stare at little girls who resemble my sweet pea, i wonder everyday what she would have been when she grew up, would she have gotten married, oh she would have been beautiful on her wedding day. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? i will always question the whys? I'm sure i will never have an answer.