Saturday, July 25, 2009

May 30, Saturday

i have to do something with myself. I'm losing my mind, everyday i await for the mail to arrive, everyday i find something that is Amelia's and i don't want to let it go. Going to a Therapist is not helping. Every night i cant fall asleep because i keep replaying rolling Amelia over and the color, the smell, the touch everything makes my skin crawl. When i do fall asleep i wake up suddenly and I'm afraid to check on Lilly. Its been weeks since i slept a full 8 hours. I have to have someone spend the night, especially on a Monday night because those are the worst days for me. When i start to think about her, i try to redirect my thoughts because my stomach suddenly becomes this nasty rumbling pit where i feel like my insides are turning and twisting. I cant live like this anymore, i cant take it anymore. I don't want to stay in this house, I'm going to lose my mind. people say i have post traumatic stress disorder, well no shit, i found my baby...... I'm not sure if anyone who reads this blog noticed that i don't write dead or death very often i say passed, i cant bring myself to say dead or died or anything like that. So i say passed. It sounds so suttle and pretty compared to dead. that word is so blunt and harsh. I gotta find a hobby, a trade, something to get my mind off of this stuff.

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