Saturday, July 25, 2009

7 weeks 49 every you want to count it

Another Monday here and gone. Its been 7 weeks, 49 days or what have you. sometimes i feel like counting is going to make things better. Sometimes i think that ignoring it is going to make things better. I know nothing is going to change this feeling in my heart. Nothing is going to make her come back. I have had people tell me to take it day by day, how the hell am i supposed to, or have faith. Faith? how is that possible, I've started to heat myself up about Amelia passing. I blame myself, I know i heard a heartbeat when i found her, but i didn't do CPR good enough. Is that the case? They said that when i found her that she was already passed but i beg the differ. I know my baby was alive and i didn't do what i needed to do to save her. I'm a failure. That is how i feel. Maybe today is a bad day for me, Although people have said that it will get better, when? i need it to get better, now. I need to be able to move forward and possibly live my life again. Live for my baby, but i cant. There is always something holding me back. This is a honest struggle with a mother who has lost a child. I have talked to a few moms of deceased children and all of them are the same way. Some of them didn't even get to see their children before they passed. I was fortunate to kiss her and tell her i loved her. Sometimes i want to crawl up in a Little ball in the corner and cry, hit myself and yell and scream. Sometimes when i cry Lillian kisses my head or leg or says mom, mom, mommy. Even through all of this struggle emotionally, Lillian makes me smile and laugh. I'm not much of a mom or a wife lately, I'm just there.

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