May 20, 2009 30 days

I never in a million years would have thought that i would have a child pass away. NEVER! today is exactly 30 days, one month. Everyday i beat myself up with the what ifs and i should ofs. I know that in my heart it was her time, I'm not sure why but it was. Another part of me, is angry. Why didn't you push harder when you were giving her CPR, why didn't you check on her sooner. Some days i feel like i could have prevented it and others i don't, or at least i try to convince myself that there was nothing i could have done. All of those mothers out there, as a parent its our responsibility to take care of and protect our babies. I didn't and i couldn't. That is where i am get angry at myself. I always would promise her that i would never let anything happen to her and just a few days before she passed i woke up one morning and went to go check on her. Lillian was still sleeping but Amelia was up. She was a early bird. Always woke up happy and ready to go. I went into her room and decided i was going to lay in bed with her. She always asked me if i was cold, that was her way of getting me under the covers. She would say are you cold mommy or are you OK for now. When i didn't want to get under the covers i would say no baby, I'm OK. So this day i decided i wanted to get under the covers with her, and the blanket she had on her bed was so soft, i always borrowed it if i was sick and she wasn't home, ha ha. So her and i were cuddling in her bed and just talking. I would tell her stories and stuff. Well for Christmas she got the littlest pet shops VIPs, she had two a cat and a horse. The horse she got recently but the cat was a Christmas gift, which i got on black Friday at 430 AM at Kohl's, lol. So we were laying there and i realized that i didn't take off the VIP thingy so that way we can interact with it. i tried my hardest to get that damn thing open, i never did. but she thought it was great, instead i told her a story. There is one thing i did regret, and that is never finishing the Twit book. Some nights her and i would lay me and Lou's bed and i would cuddle up with her, her blanket, the VIP pets and her chocolate milk and i would read her a few pages of her book. I'm not sure why it was the Twit book but she loved it, maybe how they played jokes on each other or maybe because i would talk with a dirty teeth less accent. She would laugh when Mr. Twit would call Mrs. Twit an old bag. I never finished the book. That makes me upset. I guess i could sit here and type and tape about how i should have did this and i never got to do that. I think once i receive the autopsy results i may have some sort of closure.