Tuesday July 14, 2009

So it has deffinetly been a rough couple days for me. I feel so alone sometimes. I just got back from my therapy appointment and sometimes these damn things dont help. I understand that therapy is there to help me get through this hard time in my life and others but it doesnt take away the nightmares, the shakes from being scared before i check on lillian or even the anxiety of being alone. I replay the scenes in my head of the day Amelia died over and over and over. Its like its on replay. At night when i lay in bed and Lou is sleeping i just think and think and think, or when im in the shower, or driving in my car. If im alone im thinking. I do try to have my aunt come over but it doesnt always help. Lou is there but sometimes hes not, he has errands he has to do or other things and he cant be here always. I wish there was a medication that you could take that would erase all the negative things in your brain. I do try to keep myself busy but no matter what im doing i still have that horrific memory in my brain as the last time i saw my princess. I always try to think back to right before i found her the way we did. i think about how beautiful she is and her face and the love she gave me. I beat myself up alot because she asked to cuddle and i said not now. I get angry with myself a whole lot over that. That is one thing that us as moms do. We tend to quickly blow off things like that because we have to clean or do laundry or cook, those things are the most important. I realize that now after the fact but i know in the future i will cherish those little moments when i can and i do. In exactly one month today will be Amelias birthday. Her 4th birthday. We are having a little balloon ceramony so i hope it turns out well.