Friday, October 30, 2009


Well today was Halloween, well trick or treat day. Every year at my moms house, she has all the kids over, we eat dinner and then head out for trick or treating. My cousin Celi comes up from Martins Creek with her kids and Jessie comes with her boys and then me n my siblings with our kids. It was a blast, Lillian was a princess, and i made mummy hot dogs and dirt dessert for the party. Before we all went trick or treating, my mom got a Halloween balloon and had everyone sign it and then before we went we sent it up to Amelia. That was sweet! All the kids looked awesome, and Lillian walked the whole time. She really enjoyed trick or treating. I really missed Amelia, i hated having Halloween without her. Another thing that bothered me was my brother ignored me. He said nothing to me, not even a hello. I mentioned it to my mom and she said he doesn't understand how people cant be upset that Amelia is passed. How am I not upset, I'm horrified. I don't cry in front of people, occasionally i do but for the most part i keep it inside and it bothered me that he would say something like that. I'm her mother, of course I'm mourning, and i will be for the rest of my life. That is my baby, my flesh, my blood. I was the one who got up with her at night, i nourished her with my milk, i worked 12 hours a day 6 days a week so she was well taken care of, nobody else did, that is my baby my life, and for someone to say, how can she be OK! Guess what! I'm not fucking OK! I may look it but i have to and like I've said before it if wasn't for Lilly, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't stay for anyone else, just my baby! Maybe he doesn't understand because hes not a parent so he cant really relate to the pain I'm suffering. I know this is hard to say and people may think its wrong but i just came to realize this, i cant stop because Amelia is gone, I have Lillian who needs me. It actually sickens me that someone would think that I'm okay with Amelia passing away. I don't think he understands the damage that surrounds my heart and mind and I'm sure its just not him that thinks of this either, i know there are others. I miss my baby more then anything and i would do anything to have her back. Anyway, Halloween minus Amelia not being there, was nice. The most thing was Lillian enjoyed herself. Missing you Amelia!!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Her cake

22 hours, that is how long it took me to make Kheringtons cake and it was a big hit! i made it 4 tieres, the bottom was a vanilla cake with one layer strawberries and fresh cream the second layer was vanilla pudding. The second tiere was a chocolate cake with fresh strawberries, the third tiere was a vanilla cake with pudding in the middle of one layer and strawberries n whipped cream on the other. the top layer was a big cupcake made out of rice crispy treats and it was covered in fondant. I had a blast making this cake and it really helped me and my dad bond more which is something i don't think we ever did, if we did it wasn't like this. I actually do remember our last time we spent together, i was 9, it was about 3 Am and he just got home from the restaurant. He worked all the time so we didn't see him often but we were well taking care of. Anyway, he came home and went into the dining room where we had a beautiful baby grand piano. He started to play the piano, which he is amazingly talented i came down the steps, mesmerised at how beautiful the music was. I stood behind him listening, watching him rock back n forth back n forth to the music he was playing. I embraced him for a second and then i sat next to him. He looked over at me and smiled and kept playing. That was the last time we spent time, quality time where there was no awkward conversations. So the time we spent on Kheringtons cake was worth the 22 hours. The party was nice and everyone enjoyed the way my cake looked and i was a satisfied with it, being its my first cake. I know Amelia would have been so proud of me. She would have been so amazed. I wish i would have mad her a cake like that. I miss her!!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Cake for Kherington

This week I have alot planned to keep myself busy. I am making a cake for Kheringtons first birthday party which is going to be nice. Renee wants a three tiere cake and then a big cupcake on top. The party theme is cupcakes. I went and got some of the stuff today which i enjoyed. I loved the cake shop i went to in Easton. They had everything possible. Every cookie cutter you can imagine and so on. I then stopped over my dads to discuss the cake and show him the layout i had of the cake. I drew up a couple ideas to show him. He has done a couple tiere cakes so he is my advice guy. I really enjoyed my hanging out with my dad. It got me out of the house and i had some me time, which i needed. My dad and i laughed alot, something he nor i have done in a while. Told him i would be back tomorrow which is today to start the cake. I got there around 11:30 and i started to work. I never knew how much tedious work rolling out fondant was. We got alot done today. Have a few more things to do and add the finishing touches. I'm so excited to see what the results are. I loved being in the kitchen again. Made me feel like i was a kid all over again, like when i worked at the Sun Inn or when i was working for my cousin Robbie. I absolutely love being in the kitchen. There is just something about it. Its a comfort state, a fresh childhood memory that when opened up, it brings me joy and happiness. I'm going to finish the cake tomorrow. Halloween is coming up and I'm stressing about it. Amelia wont be here and that saddens me. of course her not being here is sad, its going to be hard to see all the little 4 year old girls all dressed up saying trick or treat. Oh my love, i miss her!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Lillians party

Lillian's party was a hit! It was set up so nice, i made a ton of food. I made these centerpieces, there was pink, purple, orange, green and blue everywhere. I made baked ziti, meatball subs, meat balls with brown gravy, barbecue, pasta salad, potato salad, a ton of dips like garlic dip, spinach dip, bacon dip, there was baked beans and a anti pasta. there was also, cookies, and cream puffs. I loved her cake. It was a big Dora cake. She loved it. Dora everywhere. All the tables had confetti that i made, there was candy all over the tables different kinds, Dora fruit snacks everywhere, girls bracelets and so on. I really over did it and it was worth every second. She got alot of Dora toys which she loves and she loved the attention. I'm so glad my little girl had a great day, there was one thing missing and that was Amelia. She would have loved the party. She was a party lover. We would always have people over on Sundays at our house, we would host a dinner party or a payperview party and she would love it. Lou and her would go to the store to get some stuff and she would return with flowers in her hand for me from her Louie, and Lillian. It was sweet. I miss those days, i miss her going Louie were having a wrestling party. I can picture her doing that funny dance she did when she would say it. I watched all the little kids and i pictured Amelia talking with them and running around calling Kaylynn and Avery over to where she was. Oh Meals!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Parties and more

So Lillian's Birthday is coming up next week. Lou and I have planned this great party. It has kept my mind off of things which is nice. Although at night, its hard but if i am busy during the day its less time to think about what bad things just happened in my life and its not just Amelia's passing its other problems too. Life isn't always cake and pie, you do get a few cookies in there. ha ha. I think that was the first time i joked in my blogs. My therapist, Dave, he tells me laughter is sometimes the remedy but in this case i don't think it is. So Lillian's party, there is about 50-60 people attending. Were having it in the basement of a private club that Lou and His dad belong to in Bethlehem township. I'm excited about it. Last year the girls had a bash for their birthdays. Amelia had a Cinderella party and all the little girls dressed up as princesses and i hired Cinderella, she came and did magic, face paint and danced with the girls. Then Lillian had a Elmo party, we hired Elmo to come for an hour and he did magic and danced, did balloon animals. The kids loved it. This year, there is no hiring of Dora, because that was the theme of the party but i wanted to but Dora the Explorer is a bit expensive. I got an idea to make these centerpieces for Lil's party. Its going to be nice. I really wish Amelia was here, and i hate when people say oh shes here, in spirit. FUCK that! Its not the same thing as having her in my arms, dancing with her sister, singing happy birthday. It just dwelled on me that Lillian is going to be a only child, meaning growing up, And now my doctor wants to do my full hysterectomy in January. I'm worried. maybe ill adopt or freeze my eggs. ugh! i better get back to planning her party or else I'm going to start getting upset.

Monday, October 5, 2009

My birthday is on a Monday!

Of course my Birthday had to fall on a Monday this year. Its Monday, the worst day of the week for me. My baby passed away on a Monday. I HATE MONDAYS! Today was nice though, Lillian was excited that today was Mommy's birthday and Lou got a cake and some pizzas, had some of his family over and celebrated my day. Well actually it was my day and Lou's dads day. His birthday is a day before mine. I guess in a good way, I'm grateful that he had a birthday too, that way i didn't feel so alone. Is this crazy thinking? I got a car, yes Lou got me a car, i got a Laptop, which now i can finish my book on and i really wanted one, I got my favorite perfume, its Jessica Simpson's newest fragrance! Oh it smells sooooo good. I also got a gift card every year from Lou so i can go for my massage, i need my massages. Last year i went for a hour one and i loved it! I was sad because Amelia wasn't here but i still enjoyed it. Im trying not to think about it so that way i don't get upset. I konw it may sound cruel but i can't help it. There is so much stress and hurt in my life i am trying to stay positive and not think about the bad, meaning Amelia passing away. What i would do just to have Amelia back for just one hour. I would hold her tight and never let her go. We still let balloons go up to her, that is our Monday tradition. Oh i miss her.