Another day

So now that the stress of Christmas is over it feels good to relax. Although i didn't relax today. ha ha. I wanted to presents put away, the old toys and stuff packed away and brought to storage. I felt bad for Lou. We had a rough few days with him being ill so here i was putting all of these tasks on him. His face was priceless when i asked him to take the stuff to storage. I thought he was going to faint. I got a lot accomplished today though. I went into Lillian's room and went through her closet, her toy box and her dresser drawers. I took everything out and put it in piles. Throw away piles, keep piles, storage piles, donation piles. I really cleaned out a lot of junk. She was excited about her new toys. We spent most of the day opening boxes, breaking down boxes and putting stuff away. I found a few things in Lillian's toy box that were Amelia's and it really made me upset. I want my baby home. I want her here with me. I would do anything to hold her for just another second. This really sucks! let me rephrase that this is bullshit!

Christmas Eve/Christmas Day

Well, it was definitely a different one. I spent most of the day today shopping and finishing up what i needed to. I got Lillian her last few gifts and all of her stocking stuffers. Lou was going to go shopping with me but he had a severe migraine so he couldn't. I finished shopping around 4:30 and i had to be at church by 5:30 which i didn't make. I was very upset i didn't make it to church but i delt with it. I spent most of the Eve with Lillian and my family at my moms. Lou stayed home still because of his migraine. He gets them really bad to where he vomits and shakes. Its very scary. It was nice being with my sisters and my family. I sent Lou a text and he said he may want to go to the hospital. He couldn't move. I was worried so i left my moms around 9:30. I still had to wrap all of these gifts. I was already tired. I got home, got Lillian in her Christmas PJ's and told her that Santa would be coming tonight. After i put Lillian down for bed and she was off to sleep, i totally forgot my Christmas traditions, the reading of the book, the cookies and milk for Santa. I was truly crushed. How could i forget to do something so important, i think a part of me was trying to really not remember Christmas and the extras because Amelia is not here another because i was worried for Lou. I went down stairs to our room and i saw Lou on the floor, shaking. I knew he needed to go to the ER so i took him, Still in my Christmas Eve dress and high heels. lol. We got the ER and we went right back, they weren't busy at all, thank goodness. They immediately got Lou hooked up to a IV and started some fluids, gave him some meds and within an hour he was feeling better. They wanted to do a Lumbar puncture but he refused and they discharged him. That was at 2 AM. We then stopped at CVS because i had no wrapping paper and i wanted to get Lou's mom a few packs of cigarettes to throw in her stocking. We got home around 3 ish and i got in my PJ's as soon as we got in the house. I went downstairs to our room where we have our bed and our Christmas tree and started wrapping all of her gifts. Once the clock hit 4:45 AM i didn't care that i wasn't finished wrapping i needed to get to bed. Ill finish them when i get up. I closed my eyes and fell asleep as soon as i could, i was exhausted. It felt as though i only slept five minuets and I heard Lillian calling for me and Lou. Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Mommy. She went on and on and on, Lou went and got her breakfast and i quickly finished up the rest of the wrapping. I had a quick moment to myself and I lost it. I cried, i cried like a little baby. I sat on the floor, cradled my knees with my arms and rested my head on my knees and i lost it. I miss her so fucking much. I cant do this today, i cant go on today. There is no way. I cried so hard i couldn't breathe. The pain i have is unexplainable. Once i got that hard cry out and tried to regroup myself i popped a xanx to calm myself down or else i wouldn't be able to get through the unwrapping of the gifts this morning. Lou called me on my cell to see if he could bring Lillian down. I said yes but give me 5 more min i want to have the camera and video camera ready. I took a few pictures of before she saw the tree with all the presents laying under the tree. Then i heard her yell, Hi mommy! My heart ached, i was so excited to see her open her Christmas gifts for the first time but i felt so guilty for being excited. What kind of mother am I? Your other child is no longer with us, she is no longer here and your excited to celebrate Christmas. Then all of a sudden this voice, i know your going to think i am nuts but this voice said to me, its not fair to Lillian and you know what it was right, it wasn't fair to her. So i took a deep breath and i said, Hey bug, Merry Christmas. Look what Santa brought for you. She immediately ran for the Wiggles dolls that were unwrapped on the floor by her gifts. "Its the Wiggles!" she yelled. Her eyes glistened as she looked at all the presents. Lou sat on the floor and told her to come sit with him and he handed her his first present. She grabbed it and quickly unwrapped it quicker then i have ever seen before. She did that with all of her presents. I got a few nice gifts as well. We went up stairs to do the gift exchange with Lou's parents. They got Lilly a lot of things that she wanted. Since the quilts weren't done what i did was take a picture of what the quilt is going to look like and then i wrapped up in a box a square of the quilt and gave it to Lou's mom. I told her that that is just part of it and that it will look like the picture when i am finished. i told her how each of the material is actually Amelia's clothing and now she has a piece of Amelia as well. She cried and kissed the block. I felt good, like i did something right. Lou's parents left to go to Lou's sisters and we went back down stairs. I have a few more blankets to finish up. I usually cook a nice Christmas breakfast and so on but this year, i had no desire, instead Lou went to Wawa and we had some hoagies for our brunch. We then got Lillian dressed and headed out for the day. Off to my Moms first which we ate some really good food and I gave her her piece to her quilt and showed her the picture. She cried so hard. I lost it too. I did good all day until i saw my mom. As her being my mother she hurts terribly. She mourns her granddaughter but she also mourns her daughter as well. I took another xanx. We then we went to Lou's Grammys. I was going to go to my Aunt Vals to see my dad but it got to be too late and he was leaving. I kept my pain back most of the day. I don't know if it was i was trying to be strong and be excited for Lillian or if it was the xanx but whatever it was i did ok. Better then i thought i would have done. There is no other pain in the world worse then the pain of losing a child. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping.....

Ok so now i am in complete freak out mode. These blankets are taking too damn long to make and i really don't have a whole lot of time. Seriously, what the hell was i thinking. I had this great idea but yet i cant get it to come together for me. That actually seems like my life. hahaha So we went and did some Christmas shopping today. We got Lillian a bunch of toys and baby dolls. She has a lot already but these are different. The one pees, the other one sings songs and so on. We got her Dora stuff and Elmo stuff. wiggles which that is her new favorite and many more. She is going to go nuts Christmas morning i know it. Every time i looked at a toy i would say oh look, Amelia would have wanted that or when i saw something like Cars, i would get all choked up. that was her favorite movie. She would recite the lines. She knew it word for word. I'm dreading Christmas. I'm not sure how i am going to react. Am i going to cry? Am I going to be depressed? I don't want to be sad all day long, i need to be strong, well at least try. I really enjoyed shopping for Lilly. I got a few others a few things. We also got Lillian her Christmas eve outfit and the stuff to go with it. We still have yet to decided on her big toy. Lou said to get her a bike but i wanted to get her a new kitchen. For Christmas Lilly is getting new kitchen stuff like plates and bowls and pots and pans. Her kitchen now is for a child, a baby and its a big Elmo kitchen. i would rather her have a real one. Well i guess we will have to keep arguing over it until i get what i want. hahahah

my Nana, MS, and my day

I went to visit my Nana today at Easton Hosptial. I first went to an appointment and then i stopped at Panera Bread and got a big tub of soup and some sides of bread and a sandwich to share with my aunts and my Nana. When i got there i saw my Aunt Joan immediately, she looks like hell. He has MS as well, but she is far way worse then me. I look at her and i often wonder if i am going to look like her when i get older, meaning MS wise. I don't want to be disabled anymore, I'm afraid I'm going to be in a motorized chair when i get older. I was already in a wheelchair and i do still walk with a cane when i need it. Its very hard to be 28 and walking with a cane, people look at you like whats wrong or they stare like they have never seen someone with a cane. A few years ago i had a really bad MS attack and i was in a wheelchair for 6 months and then after that i was using a walker, talk about embarrassing. Whenever my legs hurt and Amelia knew it she would rub my legs and ask if i was ok. I was really concerned about Amelia and MS because besides me and her aunt her grandmother also has MS. Doctors aren't sure if MS is hereditary there is proof that supports it that it can be and that scared me. So when i got to the hospital my Nana was making me laugh. She spoke about a doctor that came in to see her and she thought he was handsome with his salt and pepper hair. She was sharing a room with another elderly woman and the lady couldn't figure out how to turn down the volume to her tv. It was LOUD! my Nana kept going oh gosh, oh why is that so loud. I laughed so hard. I wasn't there very long and then i headed over to Phillipsburg NJ to the mall to get a few things for Christmas. I was actually looking for a certain shirt but instead i got a few other things. I took my Aunts home and then i went to the dollar store, got my balloons and headed home. After dinner we did our balloon send off to Amelia. This time i did something different i decided to really write on it, i wrote a long letter to her. Once i was done and we let the balloons go i realized, what if the balloon lands, what if someone reads my letter to my baby. hmmmmm what does happen to balloons when they go up in the air? any answers out there?

Cherish the moments

Its five days before Christmas and we finished decorating our Christmas tree, although we got our Christmas decorations from storage like two weeks ago. I guess i had no motivation but who really has it anymore? Christmas isn't like what it used to be ya know. I never really was a Christmas person though, i love Thanksgiving and i love to cook so it my favorite holiday, and Halloween, if you want to call that a holiday. Anyhow, we finished the tree and Lillian had a blast. She hung all of the candy canes right in a little section on the bottom of the tree. When i saw that, i laughed so hard. Our dog Buttercup stole a candy cane off of the tree as well, even though Lillian was up pretty late doing the tree, it was worth the memories. After losing a child, you look at life totally different. I take every moment with my family and cherish it. Times are tough for all of us and even when Lou and i are at our worst, i still cherish moments. You have to, that person may pass and then you will no longer have those moments to cherish. We just found out that Lou's Uncle Robin is quickly losing his battle with cancer. Like i said, Cherish your moments. I'm still not done with the quilts so what i think i am going to do is finish the kids ones and then take the pieces i have to my moms and Lou's moms and give it to them to show them what i have coming but it is just taking a while. I do have my Aunt helping though. Today was another bad day. I had to take my Nana to the hospital, she is 93 and has emphysema and was having trouble breathing. Turns out she has Double pneumonia. they are going to keep her a few days, she was pissed. She kept huffing and puffing. she clearly did not want to stay. I'm going to say a few extra prayers tonight.

December 19, 2009

So Christmas is just a few days away and i am no where near done Christmas shopping. I did get a few things but there are still a lot of other things i have to get. Most of my family is done because their stuff is being made but i haven't really finished shopping for Lillian. I know i am going to go nuts on presents for Lil this year. I have a budget and its about the same i would have spent on the two girls combined but since Amelia is no longer with us i am going to buy Lilly extra. I look at it like this, i would have spent that amount if Amelia hadn't passed so why stop now and if i were to have more children i would buy for three instead of two because i would have anyway. Does that make sense? The quilts are coming along pretty well but i don't think all of the stuff is going to be done on time. I guess i better get my ass in gear. I'm a little better today as compared to the other day when i had a few break downs. you feel like your moving forward, your doing good and then you have a set back like that and you feel like your back at square one trying to build your strength again. it sucks, i hate it. I often wish that i could just go back to the day Amelia passed and i wish i would have held her a little longer before she went to sleep, i wish i would have checked on her earlier then when i did. I think that i would have caught her in the middle of her seizure and maybe i could have prevented her death. I know that everyone says that no matter what i would have done she would have passed but i think differently. Like i have said before as a Mother, your a protector, a healer, a provider and when i wasn't able to protect her, heal her and provide the help she needed during that time, i have failed. I can honestly say i feel like a failure. Any mother out there I'm sure can relate to me not with the death part but has your child ever gotten hurt or broke a bone and you feel like you could have prevented it? you feel like you have failed your child or failed parenthood. That ache in your heart, the guilt. That's what i feel like every single day. Time for bed, good night Blog world!

December 17, 2009

Today is a better day for me then the last few. I am trying to keep it together by keeping myself busy so that way i don't think about anything. I have a lot going on in my life right now and I'm not really sure where i am going or what i am doing. One day at a time i am told but its hard. I have so much guilt inside me. I know i say this a lot but its true. Why didn't God take me? I would rather him take me and leave my girls. It has really dawned on me today that Lillian is going to grow up to be a only child and i am not happy about that. When i was a little girl i had this envision that i was going to be a mom of many children. I was going to be successful and i was going to be happy. I am non of thee about. i really am not going anywhere in my direction i chose. In my envision i already had a few kids. I am going to have a hysterectomy next month. My endo is so bad that he doesn't want to let it go much longer. which i don't want to be in all that pain anyway. I don't want another laparoscopy either so the next step is hyst. I thought about freezing my eggs. I said this years ago before i got married, before i had children. Everyone laughed at me but i knew. I knew i was going to lose my "womanly stuff" sooner then others. Just like i had a feeling that i needed to keep Amelia closer to me then Lillian and I'm glad i did. I guess i could adopt! i would love to give a child a home that needs one, give a child love who needs it and provide for a child as well. Well i guess i am going to go rest a bit maybe do some laundry and really think where my life is going and what am i going to do. missing you baby face! oh i wanted to quickly wish my sister a Happy 30th Birthday Gretchen, you old fart!

December 14, 2009

I was a complete mess yesterday and i am today as well. Its Monday and that means another week has passed. 34 weeks to be exact. As all of you know she passed on a Monday so Mondays are hard for me. What really gets to me is the memories of her. That's one thing i am really afraid of is losing her memory. She is my precious gem and i don't want to forget that. A lot of people tell me that i will never forget her memory but do me a favor, think back to a childhood memory. Can you remember every single detail? No, you cant. Over time your memory starts to fade. I know that over time i am going to lose part of her memory just like every other memory and i am afraid of that. That's all i have of her is a memory. Today is another rough day for me just like yesterday. Yesterday i found her book bag and today i found some crafty things she made at school for Easter. Ya know, Easter was her last holiday to celebrate. She passed about two weeks after words, well not even but you get the point. I recently wrote in my blogs about the steps or the process of healing and if you remember i put that you may be at step 3 but then you go right back to step 1. Its ok. Today my therapist told me i am strong and that i am an inspiration but am i really? Come on, there's no way. I have said this before, if i didn't have my Lilly, i would have killed myself the week Amelia passed. Lillian is my strength, she is my rock, she is what keeps me going. I have to be strong for her i have to be a mom to her still. Its not her fault and i never want her to think that it is. Today we did our balloon send off like we do every Monday since Amelia's birthday. This is something that helps me send my love to her i think. There is something therapeutic that helps. A lot of people say, you buy three balloons every Monday to let go? Isn't that a waste? No its not, this is for my baby and sometimes i get a big big balloon that is like 10 or 13 dollars, i don't care. It is the only way i have to show my love to Amelia. Until you experience something like i have, you may think differently but for those mothers and fathers who are in my position, you understand. I'm going to go to bed and take a xanx or two. haha, it does help. ex specially with the other meds. Missing you baby girl!!!

A set back

Well i had a set back today, i was doing good. I wasn't thinking about Christmas coming up because i am keeping myself busy with the quilts but then we were supposed to get snow so i decided today to go to our storage bin and get the Christmas stuff, our tree, decorations and so on. Downstairs where our room is at Lou's parents there is also a living room area and a room where there is a bar so i decided to put up our Christmas tree so that way we can have our own Christmas. So i went to storage and i came across some of Amelia's belongings and then i saw it. It killed me! It was her book bag for school. I touched it and i immediately was flooded with memories and emotions. Memories of her going to school, how happy she was at school. I remembered waking up in the morning and getting her ready for school. She loved school. On our way to school she would ask me to turn the radio up and she would sing the songs Taylor Swift, or Miley Cirus or Beyonce. Those were just a few of her favorites but she knew every song. I would pull up to school in my Jeep Cherokee and i would hand her lip gloss and she put it on. I would get her out and as soon as we would hit the front door i was not the important one to her anymore, she was at school. haha She would drop her book bag and run over to where the kids were, she wouldn't even hang it up. I walked over to her and would always ask for a kiss. She would then kiss me and say she loved me and i would leave. Whenever i got into the car i would sit for a sec and i would feel lost. My baby girl is growing up. Shes in school. I then would go home and at times i was clueless. I was angry as well, her book bag really didn't get much attention, she wasn't in school for very long but i do have to be grateful she got to experience it. I grabbed her book bag and i hugged it so tight, tighter then i have hugged anything in a long time. I just want my baby back. i want to hold her, i want to sing to her and dance with her. I want to hear her laugh and see that smile. I want to watch her move her hair out of her face like she did often and i want to see her. When your baby passes a piece of you do as well and i want that back. I want the full me back but the only way i will get it back is if she comes back.

my projects

well i started to make the quilts and boy i didn't think it was this much work. I'm really considering my choices of Christmas gifts, that's for sure. I have two quilts and four blankets to make. WTF! I got one square done to a piece of the quilt and i am no where near done and i only have a few days to finish. Oh boy i am full of a load of work. I think these quilts are going to be a hit, maybe i have a new niche. I know i can be a bake shop owner that sells handmade crafts, memory blankets and baked goods for your everyday needs. I've got it. i figured it out.... i know i know, I'm amazing. haha! i think i am starting to have some sort of closure though. Cutting up the pieces of clothing that was Amelia's and going through the memories of the clothes. For example, Amelia had a pair of PJ's that had Tinkerbell on them, i remembered her birthday when she got them, i remember her wearing them and so on. All of the clothes i cut i did that with, so taking the clothes apart at the seam and then cutting into strips really gave me some sort of closure and i liked it. I felt at peace for once and i felt okay with it. It really opened up some doors for me to accept Amelia's passing, not in full but a bit and to accept to get rid of a few of her belongings, nothing meaningful but i was able to give my mom a my little pony toy that Amelia played with, things like that. I really feel like i am moving in the right direction.

My idea

So since money is tight this year, for everyone i am thinking of making my gifts for people. I want my gifts to be meaning full as they should be. I first thought i would give away some of Amelia's items like her books or a favorite pair of shoes or something along those lines but i couldn't do it. I sat and thought ok well for my mom i can make her a blanket,no a quilt. I am going to make a quilt out of Amelia's clothing, the ones that had a bit of meaning but nothing too serious that i felt i need to keep. Then after i decided about that i decided to make my niece and Lou's niece a blanket, and then my siblings i would make a pillow or something. I then came across fabric paper, i can print pictures out on fabric paper and sew them onto the blankets. So that is my mission for the next two weeks, blankets, pillows and a whole lot of sewing. I'm excited for these projects. They are going to keep my mind off of things, they are going to make me strong around the holiday. A time when i need to be. Do you think this is a good idea?

December 7, 2009

So i know Christmas is quickly approaching and i know it is going to be rough. People around me often reassure me that its going to be hard. No shit as if i didn't know that. This is the first Christmas without Amelia, of course it is going to be. I have to keep telling myself that she would want me to move on and to be happy. Amelia hated it when i was upset or when i cried, if she saw me now crying all the time she would not like it. When i was often upset she would come over to me and hug me or stroke my hair. I have to be strong for Lillian as well. A few people had mentioned to me, what are you going to do for Christmas, meaning how can you deal with Lillian and Amelia not being here. I have to be strong for Lillian and i do have to celebrate Christmas because this is Lillian's first Christmas that she can really understand it and enjoy her presents. I started to tell her about Santa and his purpose. She now can identify Santa and that is really exciting for me , but yet there is so much guilt inside. Its not easy being a mom to Lillian but yet trying to mourn Amelia's passing. I try to be the best that i can be and do the best i can do but sometimes i feel like its not enough and it will never be enough. I'm not talking about my marriage or life in general I'm talking about being a mom. I feel like i took away a special bond for Lillian, i feel like i took away her best friend, her sister. So i now feel like i have to make up more and show her more attention then i would. My therapist says that this is normal and that guilt is part of the process, although i didn't put it in my 5 steps.

Today was a rough day for me. I have alot going on in my mind, emotionally. I'm not sure what i am going to do or where i stand in my life. Every where i turn there feels like there is pressure. Pressure to be a good mom, pressure to be a good wife, a good friend, a sister, a daughter and so on. I feel like i am spiraling down, the walls are closing in and my heart races. I know it is normal for me to have anxiety, ex specially since Amelia has passed. Who wouldn't have anxiety i found my daughter blue. I hate to say the d word. I have recently talked to others that have experienced losses and they cant say the D word either. They say Pass or passed. I wish sometimes people would understand that i am not as strong as i look. I think i am going to close this post tonight, I'm not up to writing. good night blog world!

To my readers!

First i would like to thank all of you for reading my posts and being a part of this journey with me. Going through this is hard so i appreciate all that is given, all your thoughts, prayers and love. I would love for you to post comments on my blog and about my posts. Thank you again and i love you all! God Bless!!!

December 3, 2009

December, oh December. I wasn't ready for this. I'm dreading Christmas, December and all that is in between How am i supposed to get through this holiday? I cant the same as i did for Thanks giving because Thanksgiving isn't Christmas. It wasn't just Christmas that is bothering me but what really bothered me is i am a few weeks shy of a new year. This means that when i speak about Amelia in four weeks i will say she passed away last year. I don't like the sound of that. I'm not ready to let go of her i am not ready to let go of her memory and that is what i feel like if the new year comes I will have to let go of her. I am crushed for it to be December but i am also happy because it is Lillian's first ever holiday to really understand it and to really get it. I know Christmas is going go t be bittersweet. Why wouldn't it be. Lillian's first "real" holiday but its our first without Amelia. Why did my baby have to go? I went to Walmart today with Lou and he and i walked through the toy section. Like i did on Black Friday i looked at the shelves and often mention about how much Amelia would have liked the stuff that i saw. There were cars stuff and princess stuff and littlest pet shops stuff. I threw a few things into the cart that I thought we should get for Lillian but i noticed that it was all older things. Things that we would have gotten for Amelia. I have a fear of pushing Lillian to grow up to fill that void of Amelia being gone and that scares me. I don't want to do that. Its not right for Lillian nor for me. For those who read this who have children deceased or alive, never try to fill a void with your children. Don't try to make them fill the void of love or loneliness. They are children and let them be children. Onething that i did learn and ive taken from Amelia passing, something i accepted and i will pass along is if you have laundry laying around let it go, the dishes, do them later. Your time with your children are precious and take anytime you have with them and use it as if its the last time you ever have with them. I wish i would have known that my last times with Amelia were going to be my last time because i would have held my baby forever. Before Amelia passed away she would want something or Lillian would want something thing and i would say not right now, or in a second. If she would ask me for a hug or a kiss and i was in the middle of doing the dishes or cooking i would say just a sec and then walk over to her about 15 min later and give her what she wanted. Laundry or cooking or whatever always seemed to take over my time with my girls, i let it take over. I ask all of you out there, all this stuff can wait even if its for a minuet. Give your children the time they need, time is precious.

Black Friday

WOW! Black Friday is insane but i still go every year. I don't know if its because i am a night owl and a morning person. I barely ever sleep and when i do sleep its not for long. I wasn't always like this, it only started when i became diagnosed with MS. Most people need to function with a eight hours of sleep i can function on half of that. I went to sleep about 7 and woke up about 1:30 AM. I got up and went and picked up my deaf Aunt Sally from her house. This was her first time that she ever went shopping on black Friday. She was in for a ride. I then went to my moms house, she was getting ready so i made a cup of tea. I drink hot lipton tea not coffee although time to time i do drink coffee. we headed to Walmart. I got to Walmart and got a cart immediately and headed to my baby dolls section that i needed to be at. Then it was complete chaos! although i got my baby dolls that i was targeted for it was still nuts. i didn't spend that much money, i didn't have a lot either! ha ha. It was rough actually. I saw a ton of things that i wanted to buy for Amelia. I kept saying to myself, "Oh Amelia would have loved that. Meals would have wanted that for Christmas." and so on. Last year for Christmas we wrote Santa a note and told Santa everything she wanted and she wrote one for Lillian too. I pictured Amelia doing that again but this time she would have written it more detailed because of how much she had grown up in a year.

Thanksgiving

So today was thanksgiving. I cooked. I needed to keep myself busy in order to deal with my emotions. I woke up pretty happy I was going to cook an amazing meal and then i am going to go and see my family. Who wouldn't be stoked for something like that. So woke up and started cutting up my veggies and fresh herbs for my turkey. Last night i put my turkey into a brine to make it moist. I stuffed my big fat ass turkey and loaded it with a nice rub of butter and rosemary and thyme. (if you haven't noticed, cooking is a passion of mine and it seems to get me in a good mood- that's why i cook to get my mind off of things). once the turkey was in the oven i started to get my desserts ready to cook in the oven. Well i took my turkey out to baste it and boom it feel on the floor. i was so upset and that was the start of a bad moment for me. I ran down to my room and got dressed, i was going to the store to get some sort of turkey, well i walked out of the house and stomped my feet and then i got into my car and broke down. I lost it, not because of the turkey i was upset, it was the stress of not having my baby, not being able to give her a kiss on a holiday. Instead i kissed her cold urn. that's not the same. Once i gathered my thoughts i went back into the house, washed the turkey off and re stuffed and seasoned and put that bitch back into the oven. Phew! i feel better. anyway, I decided i wasn't going to go to my moms for T day dinner because i was pooped and i wasn't even done cooking, not only that but i knew that she would start to cry and get all emotional and i cant really handle that right now. I cooked for me Lou, Lilly, Lou's mom and dad and his pappy. we ate in the living room at a big table. I know the living room? reason being, we could eat with Amelia since her shelf is there with her urn. It was nice, we did take a family picture next to her shelf afterwards. Although sometimes i don't know the direction my life, family or friendships are going, i always have a picture to have a memory. Lou got Lilly ready for bed and her and i spent sometime together on the floor. I was getting prepared for black Friday. Happy Thanksgiving!!

the process and my process

My post yesterday was a angry post but these are my feelings. This is how it is. I have spoken with a therapist, I've done research, I've read books and it all says the same thing. This is part of the "process". Ive learned over the past few months that there is a process to grieving. there are 5 steps.

1. Denial. Yes everyone is in denial when they lose someone close to them. People that are in denial often go to places and look for the person who passed as if they were still living or they will set the dinner table as if they were coming for dinner. This is the first step and we often come back to it. I still am in denial but I'm starting to move forward with the next step. See with these steps, you move forward two but then you move back one. I still from time to time say Amelia is at her Dads and that's why she is not here. This is my way to cope with the feelings that i am feeling at that moment so instead of dealing with the reality i just tell myself something else so i can get through that moment.

2. Anger. "Why Me?". This is a question i often ask myself or God. why was i chosen to be the one to lose my child? Why not take a elderly person who is suffering, why take my baby. I get angry often, i throw things, i yell i get very upset. I'm a walking time bomb at times because I'm on edge with Amelia passing and anyone out there who has lost a child or a close loved one, you can relate.

3. Bargaining. You tend to bargain with God. Please let my baby come back, i will never sin again. Please bless me with Amelia's soul, send her to me. Begging, praying, wishing for them to come back. Which i have done all of thee above and i still do every night when i say my prayers.

4. Depression. You will become depressed, overwhelmed, Bitter and so on. Who wouldn't be? all my life i struggled with some sort of depression but nothing serious i think it was actually more of a anxiety disorder. i am a hypochondriac as well but with Amelia passing, i am a evil bitch. I really have become heartless. Part of the depression part of this at least for me i always say things about her future. I wont be able to see what she would have looked like when she grew up or what she was going to be. I know she would have been beautiful and would have done something amazing!

5. Acceptance. The last step. this is the hardest i think. I don't think i will ever accept the fact that Amelia is not here. at least i cant see myself but those who have gone through this have told me that this is the hardest but the easiest. Once you accept it, there is a weight lifted off your shoulders.

Another Lonely Monday November 9, 2009

Another Monday here and almost gone. I know i repeat myself alot in this blog but i guess i feel the same. Nothing really went on today, just the usual and i always love how we usually end our evening before Lillian goes to bed. We let three balloons go, its a tradition that we have been doing since Amelia's birthday when everyone came to her balloon send off. I look forward to Mondays for that specific reason, sending her a balloon. I write a message on the balloon and up in the air they go. Lillian knows that we send sissy balloons. Sometimes Lilly kisses her balloon and other times she doesn't. I think people think i am nuts that i send balloons every Monday, but who gives a shit, this is my way of dealing with things and if that is how i deal well then so be it. Lately i have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything. its not easy, its not easy being a mother to one child knowing that another is not with us. I feel guilt too, i know i shouldn't and my therapist has told me over and over not too but i do. I am the mother, the protector, the provider, the food maker, the boo boo kisser, I'm the one who was supposed to make sure she was ok. i have alot of anger inside me right now as i type. I often told Amelia that i would never let anything happen to her. She would say "never mommy" and i would say "never ever ever, baby. I will never let anything happen to you." I feel like i let her down, because i wasn't able to protect her from dying, i wasn't able to bring her back like I'm supposed to. I didn't fix her boo boo. This is what i am dealing with now. The doctors have said that there was no way to stop what happened but, my issue is, if the doctors didn't tell me about SUDEP then why would i believe them if they say there was nothing you could have done. This would have happened no matter what. Do you understand my point. Maybe i am being a bit wacky but these are my true raw feelings and i think its bullshit. I could have saved her, i could have revived her, if i would have done the CPR right.

November 2, 2009

So its been 28 weeks today. I count all the time, how many weeks its been since she passed. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not but i do it. Losing a child has made me look at life a whole lot differently, it has made me in ways be a stronger willed person. I never ever ever wish something like this upon anyone but i feel like there is a reason why this happened to me. I often question myself if i should do something about her death. Should i sue? Would that be a good idea? Should i write to the president or our local congressman and ask for a bill to be signed, so that these doctors are more educated on SUDEP. People need to be aware of SUDEP and that anyone with a seizure disorder or epilepsy, are aware of this horrible monster. Should I start a petition? Should i start a foundation? I WANT to make a difference, i want to make something positive out of Amelia's death. I have to make something positive come out of it. I know i was chosen for a reason and I'm not sure what that reason is yet, but i will figure it out. At night when i lay on my bed my mind goes a mile a minuet. I try not to think about Amelia passing often. If i do think about it, i cry, i have a panic attack, i become angry and i just become a complete mess so i try not to think about it. as soon as it enters my head i tell myself something different. A lot of people think that i am heartless because i don't cry often, but i tell them that they aren't with me when i do have my break downs. I mostly have them when I'm not around people or when I'm alone meaning in the shower, in the car, before bed. I do have breakdowns in a grocery store or at the mall or wherever. The point is, i cant constantly dwell on it, if i do, i wont be able to be strong for myself or my daughter. She is what keeps me going. She is my rock, my strength, my savior.

Halloween

Well today was Halloween, well trick or treat day. Every year at my moms house, she has all the kids over, we eat dinner and then head out for trick or treating. My cousin Celi comes up from Martins Creek with her kids and Jessie comes with her boys and then me n my siblings with our kids. It was a blast, Lillian was a princess, and i made mummy hot dogs and dirt dessert for the party. Before we all went trick or treating, my mom got a Halloween balloon and had everyone sign it and then before we went we sent it up to Amelia. That was sweet! All the kids looked awesome, and Lillian walked the whole time. She really enjoyed trick or treating. I really missed Amelia, i hated having Halloween without her. Another thing that bothered me was my brother ignored me. He said nothing to me, not even a hello. I mentioned it to my mom and she said he doesn't understand how people cant be upset that Amelia is passed. How am I not upset, I'm horrified. I don't cry in front of people, occasionally i do but for the most part i keep it inside and it bothered me that he would say something like that. I'm her mother, of course I'm mourning, and i will be for the rest of my life. That is my baby, my flesh, my blood. I was the one who got up with her at night, i nourished her with my milk, i worked 12 hours a day 6 days a week so she was well taken care of, nobody else did, that is my baby my life, and for someone to say, how can she be OK! Guess what! I'm not fucking OK! I may look it but i have to and like I've said before it if wasn't for Lilly, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't stay for anyone else, just my baby! Maybe he doesn't understand because hes not a parent so he cant really relate to the pain I'm suffering. I know this is hard to say and people may think its wrong but i just came to realize this, i cant stop because Amelia is gone, I have Lillian who needs me. It actually sickens me that someone would think that I'm okay with Amelia passing away. I don't think he understands the damage that surrounds my heart and mind and I'm sure its just not him that thinks of this either, i know there are others. I miss my baby more then anything and i would do anything to have her back. Anyway, Halloween minus Amelia not being there, was nice. The most thing was Lillian enjoyed herself. Missing you Amelia!!

Her cake

22 hours, that is how long it took me to make Kheringtons cake and it was a big hit! i made it 4 tieres, the bottom was a vanilla cake with one layer strawberries and fresh cream the second layer was vanilla pudding. The second tiere was a chocolate cake with fresh strawberries, the third tiere was a vanilla cake with pudding in the middle of one layer and strawberries n whipped cream on the other. the top layer was a big cupcake made out of rice crispy treats and it was covered in fondant. I had a blast making this cake and it really helped me and my dad bond more which is something i don't think we ever did, if we did it wasn't like this. I actually do remember our last time we spent together, i was 9, it was about 3 Am and he just got home from the restaurant. He worked all the time so we didn't see him often but we were well taking care of. Anyway, he came home and went into the dining room where we had a beautiful baby grand piano. He started to play the piano, which he is amazingly talented i came down the steps, mesmerised at how beautiful the music was. I stood behind him listening, watching him rock back n forth back n forth to the music he was playing. I embraced him for a second and then i sat next to him. He looked over at me and smiled and kept playing. That was the last time we spent time, quality time where there was no awkward conversations. So the time we spent on Kheringtons cake was worth the 22 hours. The party was nice and everyone enjoyed the way my cake looked and i was a satisfied with it, being its my first cake. I know Amelia would have been so proud of me. She would have been so amazed. I wish i would have mad her a cake like that. I miss her!!

Cake for Kherington

This week I have alot planned to keep myself busy. I am making a cake for Kheringtons first birthday party which is going to be nice. Renee wants a three tiere cake and then a big cupcake on top. The party theme is cupcakes. I went and got some of the stuff today which i enjoyed. I loved the cake shop i went to in Easton. They had everything possible. Every cookie cutter you can imagine and so on. I then stopped over my dads to discuss the cake and show him the layout i had of the cake. I drew up a couple ideas to show him. He has done a couple tiere cakes so he is my advice guy. I really enjoyed my hanging out with my dad. It got me out of the house and i had some me time, which i needed. My dad and i laughed alot, something he nor i have done in a while. Told him i would be back tomorrow which is today to start the cake. I got there around 11:30 and i started to work. I never knew how much tedious work rolling out fondant was. We got alot done today. Have a few more things to do and add the finishing touches. I'm so excited to see what the results are. I loved being in the kitchen again. Made me feel like i was a kid all over again, like when i worked at the Sun Inn or when i was working for my cousin Robbie. I absolutely love being in the kitchen. There is just something about it. Its a comfort state, a fresh childhood memory that when opened up, it brings me joy and happiness. I'm going to finish the cake tomorrow. Halloween is coming up and I'm stressing about it. Amelia wont be here and that saddens me. of course her not being here is sad, its going to be hard to see all the little 4 year old girls all dressed up saying trick or treat. Oh my love, i miss her!

Lillians party

Lillian's party was a hit! It was set up so nice, i made a ton of food. I made these centerpieces, there was pink, purple, orange, green and blue everywhere. I made baked ziti, meatball subs, meat balls with brown gravy, barbecue, pasta salad, potato salad, a ton of dips like garlic dip, spinach dip, bacon dip, there was baked beans and a anti pasta. there was also, cookies, and cream puffs. I loved her cake. It was a big Dora cake. She loved it. Dora everywhere. All the tables had confetti that i made, there was candy all over the tables different kinds, Dora fruit snacks everywhere, girls bracelets and so on. I really over did it and it was worth every second. She got alot of Dora toys which she loves and she loved the attention. I'm so glad my little girl had a great day, there was one thing missing and that was Amelia. She would have loved the party. She was a party lover. We would always have people over on Sundays at our house, we would host a dinner party or a payperview party and she would love it. Lou and her would go to the store to get some stuff and she would return with flowers in her hand for me from her Louie, and Lillian. It was sweet. I miss those days, i miss her going Louie were having a wrestling party. I can picture her doing that funny dance she did when she would say it. I watched all the little kids and i pictured Amelia talking with them and running around calling Kaylynn and Avery over to where she was. Oh Meals!

Parties and more

So Lillian's Birthday is coming up next week. Lou and I have planned this great party. It has kept my mind off of things which is nice. Although at night, its hard but if i am busy during the day its less time to think about what bad things just happened in my life and its not just Amelia's passing its other problems too. Life isn't always cake and pie, you do get a few cookies in there. ha ha. I think that was the first time i joked in my blogs. My therapist, Dave, he tells me laughter is sometimes the remedy but in this case i don't think it is. So Lillian's party, there is about 50-60 people attending. Were having it in the basement of a private club that Lou and His dad belong to in Bethlehem township. I'm excited about it. Last year the girls had a bash for their birthdays. Amelia had a Cinderella party and all the little girls dressed up as princesses and i hired Cinderella, she came and did magic, face paint and danced with the girls. Then Lillian had a Elmo party, we hired Elmo to come for an hour and he did magic and danced, did balloon animals. The kids loved it. This year, there is no hiring of Dora, because that was the theme of the party but i wanted to but Dora the Explorer is a bit expensive. I got an idea to make these centerpieces for Lil's party. Its going to be nice. I really wish Amelia was here, and i hate when people say oh shes here, in spirit. FUCK that! Its not the same thing as having her in my arms, dancing with her sister, singing happy birthday. It just dwelled on me that Lillian is going to be a only child, meaning growing up, And now my doctor wants to do my full hysterectomy in January. I'm worried. maybe ill adopt or freeze my eggs. ugh! i better get back to planning her party or else I'm going to start getting upset.

My birthday is on a Monday!

Of course my Birthday had to fall on a Monday this year. Its Monday, the worst day of the week for me. My baby passed away on a Monday. I HATE MONDAYS! Today was nice though, Lillian was excited that today was Mommy's birthday and Lou got a cake and some pizzas, had some of his family over and celebrated my day. Well actually it was my day and Lou's dads day. His birthday is a day before mine. I guess in a good way, I'm grateful that he had a birthday too, that way i didn't feel so alone. Is this crazy thinking? I got a car, yes Lou got me a car, i got a Laptop, which now i can finish my book on and i really wanted one, I got my favorite perfume, its Jessica Simpson's newest fragrance! Oh it smells sooooo good. I also got a gift card every year from Lou so i can go for my massage, i need my massages. Last year i went for a hour one and i loved it! I was sad because Amelia wasn't here but i still enjoyed it. Im trying not to think about it so that way i don't get upset. I konw it may sound cruel but i can't help it. There is so much stress and hurt in my life i am trying to stay positive and not think about the bad, meaning Amelia passing away. What i would do just to have Amelia back for just one hour. I would hold her tight and never let her go. We still let balloons go up to her, that is our Monday tradition. Oh i miss her.

More Memories

My birthday is coming up next week and I'm stressing over it. I wont be able to spend it with Amelia like i used to. Last year for my birthday, she came in the house from the store with Lou ran to me with a gift bag full of goodies. It was so sweet. She was a lover, she loved everyone and she was so friendly. Very outgoing. When i think of the memories i have of her, i close my eyes so tight and keep telling myself them because i want them to be as vivid as they are and never fade. I always want those memories to stay and never leave. I'm afraid i will forget her. I don't like even thinking of that, it immediately makes me sick to my stomach. Thinking of her right now is making me cry but laugh at the same time. She would wiggle her butt, often when she danced. I laughed so hard. I remember onetime i was doing my Carmen Electra work out, its called fit to strip and it teaches you some sexy moves and she was doing it with me the one day. Oh my goodness, then she stuck her butt out and smacked it. I laughed so hard. In the morning after breakfast i would sometimes dance with the girls during my cleaning. I would blast the music, and i came across this CD, it was a older CD with mixed songs i think it was like a NOW CD. Anyway, it had that Jermaine Dupri song, she said and the Ferrari and Jaguar switching four lanes, cash out money ain't a thang. I looked up and lost it. I said, how do you know this song? I sent her dad a text asking if he listened to that song and he said no but i didn't care, i laughed so hard. I think she would have been a artist, choreographer, musician, something along those lines. She was creative and outgoing. I know she would have been successful. She was 3 and knew more sign language then most adults know, i brag about her alot but i cant express how amazing she truly was. When i tell people about her, i think they think that i fabricate the stories a bit but there is no fabrication here. Pure honesty!

Memories

I cant sleep, tossing and turning all night. Its been 154 days since my little girl has passed. I haven't seen her in my dreams in a while and I'm getting a bit angry over it. I want to see her, i need to see her. Any other mother would understand. When i think of things about her, i often bring myself, in my mind back to her funeral. I wanted to just hold her one more time. Hold her like i used to in my arms and rock her back and forth back and forth telling her, ill love you forever, ill like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. That was from a book i used to read to her called ill love you for ever. Its a story about a mother and a son. The mother at night would hold her son and sing that song to him and as he got older and grew up she would go over to his house, and then one day she became ill and he went to her house and sang Ill love you forever, ill like you for always, as long as I'm living, my mommy you'll be. Then after he did that he goes home and goes to the top of the steps where is new born baby girl is and he does the something to her. Anyway i used to read that to the girls at night, and hold them and do the same thing. Now i feel guilty, i don't even read Lillian a book. Its not that i don't want to, i just fear that if i do that same routine like i did before with the girls, that ill lose Lillian too. I just want my life back, my family back. In others eyes, i guess i look so strong, but in mine, I'm crushed! I get angry with myself, i should have spoken at her funeral. I wanted to say so many things, i didn't want to let her go, The last memory i have of my little girl, the last time i saw her, she was in a wooden box, but she looked so beautiful. She was beautiful! I want to know what she is going to look like when she got older, would she have freckles, what was she going to be when she grew up? would she have a family? oh i hate it, hate it, hate it! why did my little girl pass away? Why did God think i was strong enough to go through this? I can barely handle my MS, and daily life, now i have this. I wouldn't even call it a obstacle, it is a mountain to climb, will i ever make it to the top? will i ever be OK? will i be able to handle it?

A pill to take it all away

Everyday that passes i pray that the next day will get better that was until recently. My step fathers step mother Kat, also known as Gigi told me that when ask God for strength that he puts another bump in the road. So now i don't ask God for strength although when i am saying my prayers i do think of asking him more then once. Recently, Amelia's passing has taken a toll on my marriage. It is not easy, I often find myself feeling alone, although I'm not. I don't understand that Lou is going through the same thing I am, I guess i think because he is a guy, that he has no feelings and therefor he doesn't understand, but he does. I feel alone alot and i know I'm not. I try to redirect my hurt feelings and anger into something like baking or painting. The first two weeks after Amelia passed away, i redecorated my house. I got new decorations, and added pictures, mostly her art work from school or at home projects and i framed them. I gave one to Emeril Lagasse. He was honored to have something she drew while he was on tv. Today in the shower which this is the time when i usually think, the shower or while I'm driving, well anytime I'm alone and i can think. I was thinking of Amelia and her last moments with me. I have it replaying in my mind constantly. I HATE IT! I think I'm going to invent a pill that erases post traumatic stress,

Im a bitter bitch!

I'm starting to get a bit pissed off these days. My therapist told me that this is part of the whole mourning stages. First is denial, Then acceptance, then anger, then pain and all that bullshit. I'm bitter, I'm bitter to everyone and i don't care. I never was a heartless person but i am now. Alot of other things are factors as well but if i am crying over my child passing away, please don't come up to me and tell me about your child's success stories. There is a time and place for everything and that is not the time for it. I have alot of jealousy as well, and I'm told this is also normal. Well how can i not be jealous, all around me are little girls, Amelia's age and their dancing, and laughing and stuff and my baby's not. Even when I'm at the grocery store and i see a three year old girl or a four year old girl and i get angry. Why? Why me? Why my family? I understand Amelia was sick, sicker then anyone knew. I blame the doctors, its their fault that my baby is not here today. I asked the neurologist on April 3, down at St. Christopher's hospital in Philadelphia if its possible she could die from a seizure, he said its impossible and the only way would be if she banged her head, or choked on something. Nothing of the sort happened, Airways were clear, no damage to the body, head trauma, nothing. She had such a severe seizure that her little body couldn't handle it and all of her systems shut down. i miss her, I'm angry at the world and i want her back

Positive Changes

There has been so much stress in my life, i have no idea where to turn. I know i have family and friends who I'm able to talk to but when i want to talk it seems like i cant, or its too uncomfortable or they wont understand. I know there are other moms out there that have lost children and can relate to my pain and sorrow but i often think, can they. Did they find their child dead in her bed, did they find their child blue and did they try to do CPR on their child like i did and not succeed? I feel like a failure. So i decided I'm going to go to college and become a pediatric nurse. I couldn't save my baby's life but maybe i can save another child's life. I sent in my application today so I'm hoping that i will hear something back. Alot of people in my life think that becoming a nurse is not a good idea or tell me that i cant stomach blood or gross things but i say, after what i went through, i can handle anything. Although the thought of a limb hanging off of someones body does gross me out, but i would still take care of that child and do my best to keep him/her in good health. A part of me wants to just do it to throw it in their faces that I'm not dumb and i can do something like this. Maybe this is what i need, a change in my life, a positive change!

2O Mondays

Has it really been 20 Mondays? Many people would think that 2o isn't alot, eh its only 5 months but for me it seems like years. Mondays are the hardest for me, i hate them and i do anything in my power to try to bring myself closer to her on Mondays. Little things like wear Hannah Montana socks, there is a story behind them. For Easter this year she got a pair of Hannah Montana socks in her Easter basket. She was a fan. Well the day she passed away that morning, i was cleaning up their Easter baskets and i said here's you socks meals. She went to put them on and they were too big. She said, " Here mommy, you can have my Hannah Montana socks." and then handed them to me. I was soo in love, she was giving and great. So i put them on, i was excited about it. We were sitting on her bed then teaching Lillian words and Amelia was excited because Lillian said ball, which meals had Easter eggs on her socks and Lillian called them balls. We were so proud. Then Louie came in Amelia's room and she said, "you look yummy Louie." we both had a laugh, I told Lou, prior to Amelia saying that, that he looked yummy. He had a nice outfit on. Anyway so on Mondays, I often tell Louie he looks yummy, and i wear Hannah Montana socks, I went and bought a few more and a few Mater ones too, that was her other favorite. I started a tradition and Lillian has caught on. Every Monday since her Birthday Balloon Send off me, Lou, and Lilly let three balloons go in the air. Sometimes we will write on them or sometimes they are blank. Monday nights after Lillian's tubby, which now we have to do it earlier because of the time change it gets darker sooner, but as soon as i get the balloons Lillian says, boon boons to sissy, which means, balloons up to sissy. Ive always heard stories of people losing a child and i always thought, not me. That will never happen to me, once it did, i realized anything is possible in this world.

Exspressions

I cant express enough how much i hate that my baby is not here. I often tell myself that she is on vacation in Virginia with her dad visiting her Grandma because i don't want to believe she is gone. I think that is my way of coping. I think about her constantly and as soon as i think of her death not her but the death part i say no no nos shes with Tom, or she is sleeping out at her dads tonight or today. Like a never ending Saturday. She would go to her dads from Saturday until Sunday so i would say she is with him. I'm heartbroken, and i hate closing my eyes at night. i hate having those visions of the day i found her. i want my baby back, i want to hold her and cuddle at night like i used to. i have a lot of breakdowns and most recent i try to do it alone. i don't want people to see me like that. Especially since we are staying with my in laws, i don't want them to see me cry. Sometimes i think they think that i am heartless because when they talk about Amelia i kind of shrug off what they say and that's because if i keep talking then i will lose it and i cant let my little girl see me like that. I often save my crying for bedtime or when I'm in the shower. Every night i cry, i don't think that will ever change. I m hoping that it will get easier.

Amelia's Birthday

For weeks now Lou and I were planning a balloon send off on Amelia's 4Th birthday. I knew the day was coming up and each day i grew closer, my heart would ache more. I tried to keep myself busy and focused so that way i really don't have time to think about things but when i am alone at night while everyone is asleep in the house, i think think think and then i break down. I'm not sure why i was picked to go through this type of pain, nobody should go through this. Is this Gods way of telling me I'm strong? Well I'm not! So we planned to have all family and friends join us on her birthday at the field across the street from our house, which we no longer live there because we just moved. I was amazed at the outcome. The send off started at 6:00, over 75 people showed up. People who have never met her, some who met her once, and others who have been there from day one. I was overwhelmed by the amount of support and love that our friends and family have shown. We bought two helium tanks and blew up balloons and i ordered 15 others, happy birthday balloons, princess, cars, pink hearts and so on. I handed out markers for people to write something if they chose on their balloons. All through out the day i received letters from all over the United States. PA, NJ, MA, OR, CO, TX, NC, NY, OH, CA, MO, VA, MD, DE and Canada. Around 6 pm everyone headed towards the center of the open field, everyone stood around in a circle and me, Lou, and Lillian stood in the middle. Balloons in hand i thanked everyone for coming and showing us support and love and i said on the count of 5 we will let them go. Then we counted and let them go. Everyone clapped and wished Amelia a Happy Birthday. I wanted to break down so bad, i wanted to just fall to my knees and lose control of myself, this is my baby, my flesh my blood and i have to celebrate her birthday by letting a fucking balloon go. Oh the Anger, the hurt. I did good though, i kept my cool. I told everyone that there will be food and cake afterwards at Lou's parents house and i thanked everyone for coming. Once i got into the car, i lost it, i had a big cry and it was needed. I was so proud of everyone coming and to watch those balloons go up to Amelia and knowing that all of these people care and miss her makes me feel comforted. The cake we got was beautiful. It said, Although your not here, we miss you so dear. Thinking of you on your special day, Although your not here for us to say, Happy 4Th Birthday Amelia Rose. It had purple roses, her favorite color, and it had butterflies which was a favorite of hers. I made alot of food and i know she was looking down and really enjoyed her family thinking of her. I will never forget!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMELIA!

August 1, 2009`

So Lou and I decided we need to move. It has been a thing we have been going back and forth about but as long as i am in this house, im not going to be able to live properly. Every time i go past her bedroom door, my stomach turns, i hear the voices of the paramedics in my head and the cries of the people around me. So we have to move! We don't want to because we love this house, its perfect. The place we always wanted and now we have to go. I don't want to leave because the memories and this is the last place Amelia was so i feel another connection but if i don't leave then i can see myself really going crazy and i have to try to keep myself composed for Lillian. Although i do have a ton of break downs and i always will. I started to pack up somethings but i don't want to. I cant go in her room and i don't want to pack her stuff up. Although us moving is a perfect way for me to pack her things up. Her room is still just how we left it that day. Her shoes still the way they were when she took them off by her dresser and her hula hoop on the floor. The day after she passed i went in her room and layed on her bed, i did that a couple days in a row and even read a book out loud to her and Lilly but that didn't last long. I couldn't stomach it, i would break down and i hated the fact that the only kiss i was able to give her was her blanket that was on her bed when she passed. Her pillow and rosary beads are gone. Which reminds me. I sent out over 120 letters to all the neighbors in our area asking them that if they were to go for a walk to keep an eye out for these beads and please return them. They mean so much to me. Theres a story behind them. When i was about 12 i had my communion and my aunt Joan gave me these beautiful crystal clear rosaries. i saved them and slept with them under my pillow for 14 years. about 9 months ago i was laying in me and Lou's bed with Amelia reading her a book and i brought out a box. It was a jewelry box that is my Nanas who is now 92 but inside were these rosaries that were passed down from person to person then to me. I explained the rosaries to Amelia and then gave her mine that i was given when i was younger. They were blessed by the Pope many years ago as well, well i told Amelia to sleep with them under her pillow and i will sleep with mine and that is a way we will always be protected and we will be connected even more with God. The day Amelia passed the detectives took her pillow and the rosaries are now gone. So i thought maybe someones child picked them up along the road or sidewalk but i only got two responses. One from a disabled couple sending their condolences and the other from the neighbors down at the corner offering to do a search in the field across the street. They lost their nephew who was 8 so they felt my pain. Still till this day they are missing.

June 16, 2009

UGH! i had a break down today, a bad one. I was in the basement doing wash separating clothes and there right there on the floor, right in front of me was her shirt. A white shirt that she wore on Sunday, the Sunday we went to the park the Sunday we went for ice cream the Sunday, the day before she died. I picked it up. it was still soft and had a stain of tooth paste on it. I held it so tight. I then sniffed it, did it smell like her, it sure did. Immediately i started to cry. This is the smell i was looking for. I sent all of these nights smelling something that did not smell like my baby this shirt did. oh god Amelia, why? I fell to my knees and lost it. i cried for a good fifteen min hard. There was a spider on the floor so i walked over to a chair and sat on it, holding her shirt so tight and crying. i just want that big hug back and that smile. Oh she would light up a room when she walked in. she would make people laugh at her silly ways and she was well mannered. She knew the proper things to do. I swear she was going to be a dancer or a singer. she loved music and artsy stuff. Alot like me. About 45 min later, Lou came down stairs asking me what i was doing. I just kept crying. He picked me up and helped me upstairs, I went right to our bedroom, laid in bed and cuddled with her littlest pet shop horse. On the horse are her socks that she wore that day. I took them off of her after they pronounced her because i didn't want anyone to take them. They already have her shirt, her jeans and her under shirt. They are not getting her dirty socks. ha ha. they have stains on them and everything. I grabbed the LPS horse and curled up and cried. I let months of agony out. Lou laid next to me with Lillian, not sure what to do, he did comfort me but i didn't want to be bothered. I just wanted to cry, and i did.