Another Lonely Monday November 9, 2009

Another Monday here and almost gone. I know i repeat myself alot in this blog but i guess i feel the same. Nothing really went on today, just the usual and i always love how we usually end our evening before Lillian goes to bed. We let three balloons go, its a tradition that we have been doing since Amelia's birthday when everyone came to her balloon send off. I look forward to Mondays for that specific reason, sending her a balloon. I write a message on the balloon and up in the air they go. Lillian knows that we send sissy balloons. Sometimes Lilly kisses her balloon and other times she doesn't. I think people think i am nuts that i send balloons every Monday, but who gives a shit, this is my way of dealing with things and if that is how i deal well then so be it. Lately i have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything. its not easy, its not easy being a mother to one child knowing that another is not with us. I feel guilt too, i know i shouldn't and my therapist has told me over and over not too but i do. I am the mother, the protector, the provider, the food maker, the boo boo kisser, I'm the one who was supposed to make sure she was ok. i have alot of anger inside me right now as i type. I often told Amelia that i would never let anything happen to her. She would say "never mommy" and i would say "never ever ever, baby. I will never let anything happen to you." I feel like i let her down, because i wasn't able to protect her from dying, i wasn't able to bring her back like I'm supposed to. I didn't fix her boo boo. This is what i am dealing with now. The doctors have said that there was no way to stop what happened but, my issue is, if the doctors didn't tell me about SUDEP then why would i believe them if they say there was nothing you could have done. This would have happened no matter what. Do you understand my point. Maybe i am being a bit wacky but these are my true raw feelings and i think its bullshit. I could have saved her, i could have revived her, if i would have done the CPR right.