November 2, 2009

So its been 28 weeks today. I count all the time, how many weeks its been since she passed. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not but i do it. Losing a child has made me look at life a whole lot differently, it has made me in ways be a stronger willed person. I never ever ever wish something like this upon anyone but i feel like there is a reason why this happened to me. I often question myself if i should do something about her death. Should i sue? Would that be a good idea? Should i write to the president or our local congressman and ask for a bill to be signed, so that these doctors are more educated on SUDEP. People need to be aware of SUDEP and that anyone with a seizure disorder or epilepsy, are aware of this horrible monster. Should I start a petition? Should i start a foundation? I WANT to make a difference, i want to make something positive out of Amelia's death. I have to make something positive come out of it. I know i was chosen for a reason and I'm not sure what that reason is yet, but i will figure it out. At night when i lay on my bed my mind goes a mile a minuet. I try not to think about Amelia passing often. If i do think about it, i cry, i have a panic attack, i become angry and i just become a complete mess so i try not to think about it. as soon as it enters my head i tell myself something different. A lot of people think that i am heartless because i don't cry often, but i tell them that they aren't with me when i do have my break downs. I mostly have them when I'm not around people or when I'm alone meaning in the shower, in the car, before bed. I do have breakdowns in a grocery store or at the mall or wherever. The point is, i cant constantly dwell on it, if i do, i wont be able to be strong for myself or my daughter. She is what keeps me going. She is my rock, my strength, my savior.