Friday, October 30, 2009
Well today was Halloween, well trick or treat day. Every year at my moms house, she has all the kids over, we eat dinner and then head out for trick or treating. My cousin Celi comes up from Martins Creek with her kids and Jessie comes with her boys and then me n my siblings with our kids. It was a blast, Lillian was a princess, and i made mummy hot dogs and dirt dessert for the party. Before we all went trick or treating, my mom got a Halloween balloon and had everyone sign it and then before we went we sent it up to Amelia. That was sweet! All the kids looked awesome, and Lillian walked the whole time. She really enjoyed trick or treating. I really missed Amelia, i hated having Halloween without her. Another thing that bothered me was my brother ignored me. He said nothing to me, not even a hello. I mentioned it to my mom and she said he doesn't understand how people cant be upset that Amelia is passed. How am I not upset, I'm horrified. I don't cry in front of people, occasionally i do but for the most part i keep it inside and it bothered me that he would say something like that. I'm her mother, of course I'm mourning, and i will be for the rest of my life. That is my baby, my flesh, my blood. I was the one who got up with her at night, i nourished her with my milk, i worked 12 hours a day 6 days a week so she was well taken care of, nobody else did, that is my baby my life, and for someone to say, how can she be OK! Guess what! I'm not fucking OK! I may look it but i have to and like I've said before it if wasn't for Lilly, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't stay for anyone else, just my baby! Maybe he doesn't understand because hes not a parent so he cant really relate to the pain I'm suffering. I know this is hard to say and people may think its wrong but i just came to realize this, i cant stop because Amelia is gone, I have Lillian who needs me. It actually sickens me that someone would think that I'm okay with Amelia passing away. I don't think he understands the damage that surrounds my heart and mind and I'm sure its just not him that thinks of this either, i know there are others. I miss my baby more then anything and i would do anything to have her back. Anyway, Halloween minus Amelia not being there, was nice. The most thing was Lillian enjoyed herself. Missing you Amelia!!