Monday, June 29, 2009

June 29- 10 weeks- 70 days

I'm not sure if i mentioned before but i hate Mondays. A few months ago I loved Mondays, i look forward to the programming, now i hate it! I don't care if my favorite shows are on, i haven't danced or sang in a long time, i don't want to cook dinner anymore. We have had McDonald's everyday sometimes twice a day for about three weeks. well sine the mild fire we had. I feel like a horrible mother. for many reasons, i feel like I'm neglecting Lillian because of Amelia's passing. Lilly doesn't deserve this, she deserves everything and i feel like I'm failing horribly at motherhood. I think about it alot, i didn't do my job as a mother protecting Amelia and now I'm not doing my job as a mother and providing nutrients for Lillian. My therapist says that I am way too hard on myself and that there is nothing i could have done to prevent Amelia passing but i think there is. i know there is. Every waking moment of my life these days i miss my baby and i wish i would have just cuddled with her when she asked but instead i was too focused on eating and going to the store. UGH! i beat myself up every day and it is really taking a toll on me. Maybe once her autopsy results come it will bring me some sort of peace in my heart and i can look forward instead of stuck on April 20, 2009.

Monday, June 22, 2009

June 22 Week 9

Another Monday is here, another day that reminds me that my baby is no longer coming back. It is all still fresh in my head but as soon as it enters my mind i quickly tell myself to think about something else. I try to block any of it when it enters but at night i cant help but let it in. I break down a whole lot. I started to question my faith a lot, why would God take my baby away? Am i being punished for my past? I'm unsure of anything anymore. Why didn't God take me? There are days where i wish i wouldn't wake up in the morning and there are days where i am happy I'm here, those days i call good ones. I more bad days then good. Most nights i cry myself to sleep and i beg Lou not to fall asleep before me. I don't want to be alone, I'm afraid of what i might do. I really don't think right these days. I'm not suicidal, because i know that if i kill myself i will never see Amelia and Lillian and that is what is keeping me from doing it. The pain inside my heart is so unbearable that at times i think dying is the best option. I'm going to go and try to rest. Its close to nap time and its a Monday so its a rough day for me.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

my dream about Amelia June 18 2009

I had a dream lastnight. I'm not sure really if it was a dream or if it was and encounter but it was amazing. Out of nowhere i was in a tunnel. It was a big tunnel and the walls weren't very clear but there was this amazing Ora around. There was laughter and birds chirping, children laughing and almost like lunchroom noise. Just alot of people talking. The only thing i could see was peoples legs and feet but yet they weren't clear either. It was faded and it was like i was walking but really more on conveyor belt. I thought i would have been scared but there was this overwhelming welcoming joy that settled upon me. I was with someone but not sure who and when i tried to look up i couldn't. Then out of nowhere someone said there she is, and i saw her. I saw my angel Amelia. She was holding someones hand and i couldn't see who but she almost walked past me and then i yelled meals. She looked up at me and said hi mommy. I dropped to my knees and i grabbed her and hugged her. i told her that i loved her and she said i love you too mommy. I went to apologise for putting her in time out and for not being the greatest mom at that time and i wasn't able to. It was as if no negative was allowed. I held on to her as tight as i could and then she said ok mommy i have to go now. and i said i love you and she said i love you too mommy, bye, She had on the outfit that she died in, the jeans and green/blue shirt and her hair was parted off to the side like always. Her face wasnt clear and that upset me but i took every second in that i could. After she said she had to go i stood up and the scene changed. I was no longer in a tunnel but now i was in a park setting, central park like but central park back in the 60's, I was standing in the middle of the sidewalk area in the central park setting and in front of me but off to the side there was a bench. On the bench there was a young man appeared to be in his 30's or 40's. He had on a black suit but he wasn't clear either. He was on the bench with his head down and his elbows were on his knees, he then looked up at me and gave me a stare. His eyes looked so familiar but i have never seen this man before. He did have a bit of a reseeding hairline and the hair came to a point on top. The young man gave me a look like i have never seen before, it was a look of fierce but calming. It made me feel like everything was ok. Within a few seconds of seeing him and the park it was gone and i woke up. I looked at the clock and i was only sleeping for 18 minuets. I was completely awake as if i never feel asleep. I quickly tried to wake Lou up but he said please don't do this, I'm tired stacy, i explained to him that i saw Amelia, i know i did. I quickly layed on my side and closed my eyes tight in hopes i would see Amelia again or that man. i didn't! This dream has me stumped, i believe Amelia was trying to calm me and tell me she is ok, but who is the man?