Monday, June 29, 2009

June 29- 10 weeks- 70 days

I'm not sure if i mentioned before but i hate Mondays. A few months ago I loved Mondays, i look forward to the programming, now i hate it! I don't care if my favorite shows are on, i haven't danced or sang in a long time, i don't want to cook dinner anymore. We have had McDonald's everyday sometimes twice a day for about three weeks. well sine the mild fire we had. I feel like a horrible mother. for many reasons, i feel like I'm neglecting Lillian because of Amelia's passing. Lilly doesn't deserve this, she deserves everything and i feel like I'm failing horribly at motherhood. I think about it alot, i didn't do my job as a mother protecting Amelia and now I'm not doing my job as a mother and providing nutrients for Lillian. My therapist says that I am way too hard on myself and that there is nothing i could have done to prevent Amelia passing but i think there is. i know there is. Every waking moment of my life these days i miss my baby and i wish i would have just cuddled with her when she asked but instead i was too focused on eating and going to the store. UGH! i beat myself up every day and it is really taking a toll on me. Maybe once her autopsy results come it will bring me some sort of peace in my heart and i can look forward instead of stuck on April 20, 2009.

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