Monday, June 22, 2009

June 22 Week 9

Another Monday is here, another day that reminds me that my baby is no longer coming back. It is all still fresh in my head but as soon as it enters my mind i quickly tell myself to think about something else. I try to block any of it when it enters but at night i cant help but let it in. I break down a whole lot. I started to question my faith a lot, why would God take my baby away? Am i being punished for my past? I'm unsure of anything anymore. Why didn't God take me? There are days where i wish i wouldn't wake up in the morning and there are days where i am happy I'm here, those days i call good ones. I more bad days then good. Most nights i cry myself to sleep and i beg Lou not to fall asleep before me. I don't want to be alone, I'm afraid of what i might do. I really don't think right these days. I'm not suicidal, because i know that if i kill myself i will never see Amelia and Lillian and that is what is keeping me from doing it. The pain inside my heart is so unbearable that at times i think dying is the best option. I'm going to go and try to rest. Its close to nap time and its a Monday so its a rough day for me.

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