December 14, 2009

I was a complete mess yesterday and i am today as well. Its Monday and that means another week has passed. 34 weeks to be exact. As all of you know she passed on a Monday so Mondays are hard for me. What really gets to me is the memories of her. That's one thing i am really afraid of is losing her memory. She is my precious gem and i don't want to forget that. A lot of people tell me that i will never forget her memory but do me a favor, think back to a childhood memory. Can you remember every single detail? No, you cant. Over time your memory starts to fade. I know that over time i am going to lose part of her memory just like every other memory and i am afraid of that. That's all i have of her is a memory. Today is another rough day for me just like yesterday. Yesterday i found her book bag and today i found some crafty things she made at school for Easter. Ya know, Easter was her last holiday to celebrate. She passed about two weeks after words, well not even but you get the point. I recently wrote in my blogs about the steps or the process of healing and if you remember i put that you may be at step 3 but then you go right back to step 1. Its ok. Today my therapist told me i am strong and that i am an inspiration but am i really? Come on, there's no way. I have said this before, if i didn't have my Lilly, i would have killed myself the week Amelia passed. Lillian is my strength, she is my rock, she is what keeps me going. I have to be strong for her i have to be a mom to her still. Its not her fault and i never want her to think that it is. Today we did our balloon send off like we do every Monday since Amelia's birthday. This is something that helps me send my love to her i think. There is something therapeutic that helps. A lot of people say, you buy three balloons every Monday to let go? Isn't that a waste? No its not, this is for my baby and sometimes i get a big big balloon that is like 10 or 13 dollars, i don't care. It is the only way i have to show my love to Amelia. Until you experience something like i have, you may think differently but for those mothers and fathers who are in my position, you understand. I'm going to go to bed and take a xanx or two. haha, it does help. ex specially with the other meds. Missing you baby girl!!!