December 7, 2009

So i know Christmas is quickly approaching and i know it is going to be rough. People around me often reassure me that its going to be hard. No shit as if i didn't know that. This is the first Christmas without Amelia, of course it is going to be. I have to keep telling myself that she would want me to move on and to be happy. Amelia hated it when i was upset or when i cried, if she saw me now crying all the time she would not like it. When i was often upset she would come over to me and hug me or stroke my hair. I have to be strong for Lillian as well. A few people had mentioned to me, what are you going to do for Christmas, meaning how can you deal with Lillian and Amelia not being here. I have to be strong for Lillian and i do have to celebrate Christmas because this is Lillian's first Christmas that she can really understand it and enjoy her presents. I started to tell her about Santa and his purpose. She now can identify Santa and that is really exciting for me , but yet there is so much guilt inside. Its not easy being a mom to Lillian but yet trying to mourn Amelia's passing. I try to be the best that i can be and do the best i can do but sometimes i feel like its not enough and it will never be enough. I'm not talking about my marriage or life in general I'm talking about being a mom. I feel like i took away a special bond for Lillian, i feel like i took away her best friend, her sister. So i now feel like i have to make up more and show her more attention then i would. My therapist says that this is normal and that guilt is part of the process, although i didn't put it in my 5 steps.

Today was a rough day for me. I have alot going on in my mind, emotionally. I'm not sure what i am going to do or where i stand in my life. Every where i turn there feels like there is pressure. Pressure to be a good mom, pressure to be a good wife, a good friend, a sister, a daughter and so on. I feel like i am spiraling down, the walls are closing in and my heart races. I know it is normal for me to have anxiety, ex specially since Amelia has passed. Who wouldn't have anxiety i found my daughter blue. I hate to say the d word. I have recently talked to others that have experienced losses and they cant say the D word either. They say Pass or passed. I wish sometimes people would understand that i am not as strong as i look. I think i am going to close this post tonight, I'm not up to writing. good night blog world!