Christmas Eve/Christmas Day

Well, it was definitely a different one. I spent most of the day today shopping and finishing up what i needed to. I got Lillian her last few gifts and all of her stocking stuffers. Lou was going to go shopping with me but he had a severe migraine so he couldn't. I finished shopping around 4:30 and i had to be at church by 5:30 which i didn't make. I was very upset i didn't make it to church but i delt with it. I spent most of the Eve with Lillian and my family at my moms. Lou stayed home still because of his migraine. He gets them really bad to where he vomits and shakes. Its very scary. It was nice being with my sisters and my family. I sent Lou a text and he said he may want to go to the hospital. He couldn't move. I was worried so i left my moms around 9:30. I still had to wrap all of these gifts. I was already tired. I got home, got Lillian in her Christmas PJ's and told her that Santa would be coming tonight. After i put Lillian down for bed and she was off to sleep, i totally forgot my Christmas traditions, the reading of the book, the cookies and milk for Santa. I was truly crushed. How could i forget to do something so important, i think a part of me was trying to really not remember Christmas and the extras because Amelia is not here another because i was worried for Lou. I went down stairs to our room and i saw Lou on the floor, shaking. I knew he needed to go to the ER so i took him, Still in my Christmas Eve dress and high heels. lol. We got the ER and we went right back, they weren't busy at all, thank goodness. They immediately got Lou hooked up to a IV and started some fluids, gave him some meds and within an hour he was feeling better. They wanted to do a Lumbar puncture but he refused and they discharged him. That was at 2 AM. We then stopped at CVS because i had no wrapping paper and i wanted to get Lou's mom a few packs of cigarettes to throw in her stocking. We got home around 3 ish and i got in my PJ's as soon as we got in the house. I went downstairs to our room where we have our bed and our Christmas tree and started wrapping all of her gifts. Once the clock hit 4:45 AM i didn't care that i wasn't finished wrapping i needed to get to bed. Ill finish them when i get up. I closed my eyes and fell asleep as soon as i could, i was exhausted. It felt as though i only slept five minuets and I heard Lillian calling for me and Lou. Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Mommy. She went on and on and on, Lou went and got her breakfast and i quickly finished up the rest of the wrapping. I had a quick moment to myself and I lost it. I cried, i cried like a little baby. I sat on the floor, cradled my knees with my arms and rested my head on my knees and i lost it. I miss her so fucking much. I cant do this today, i cant go on today. There is no way. I cried so hard i couldn't breathe. The pain i have is unexplainable. Once i got that hard cry out and tried to regroup myself i popped a xanx to calm myself down or else i wouldn't be able to get through the unwrapping of the gifts this morning. Lou called me on my cell to see if he could bring Lillian down. I said yes but give me 5 more min i want to have the camera and video camera ready. I took a few pictures of before she saw the tree with all the presents laying under the tree. Then i heard her yell, Hi mommy! My heart ached, i was so excited to see her open her Christmas gifts for the first time but i felt so guilty for being excited. What kind of mother am I? Your other child is no longer with us, she is no longer here and your excited to celebrate Christmas. Then all of a sudden this voice, i know your going to think i am nuts but this voice said to me, its not fair to Lillian and you know what it was right, it wasn't fair to her. So i took a deep breath and i said, Hey bug, Merry Christmas. Look what Santa brought for you. She immediately ran for the Wiggles dolls that were unwrapped on the floor by her gifts. "Its the Wiggles!" she yelled. Her eyes glistened as she looked at all the presents. Lou sat on the floor and told her to come sit with him and he handed her his first present. She grabbed it and quickly unwrapped it quicker then i have ever seen before. She did that with all of her presents. I got a few nice gifts as well. We went up stairs to do the gift exchange with Lou's parents. They got Lilly a lot of things that she wanted. Since the quilts weren't done what i did was take a picture of what the quilt is going to look like and then i wrapped up in a box a square of the quilt and gave it to Lou's mom. I told her that that is just part of it and that it will look like the picture when i am finished. i told her how each of the material is actually Amelia's clothing and now she has a piece of Amelia as well. She cried and kissed the block. I felt good, like i did something right. Lou's parents left to go to Lou's sisters and we went back down stairs. I have a few more blankets to finish up. I usually cook a nice Christmas breakfast and so on but this year, i had no desire, instead Lou went to Wawa and we had some hoagies for our brunch. We then got Lillian dressed and headed out for the day. Off to my Moms first which we ate some really good food and I gave her her piece to her quilt and showed her the picture. She cried so hard. I lost it too. I did good all day until i saw my mom. As her being my mother she hurts terribly. She mourns her granddaughter but she also mourns her daughter as well. I took another xanx. We then we went to Lou's Grammys. I was going to go to my Aunt Vals to see my dad but it got to be too late and he was leaving. I kept my pain back most of the day. I don't know if it was i was trying to be strong and be excited for Lillian or if it was the xanx but whatever it was i did ok. Better then i thought i would have done. There is no other pain in the world worse then the pain of losing a child. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.