Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I cant sleep, tossing and turning all night. Its been 154 days since my little girl has passed. I haven't seen her in my dreams in a while and I'm getting a bit angry over it. I want to see her, i need to see her. Any other mother would understand. When i think of things about her, i often bring myself, in my mind back to her funeral. I wanted to just hold her one more time. Hold her like i used to in my arms and rock her back and forth back and forth telling her, ill love you forever, ill like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. That was from a book i used to read to her called ill love you for ever. Its a story about a mother and a son. The mother at night would hold her son and sing that song to him and as he got older and grew up she would go over to his house, and then one day she became ill and he went to her house and sang Ill love you forever, ill like you for always, as long as I'm living, my mommy you'll be. Then after he did that he goes home and goes to the top of the steps where is new born baby girl is and he does the something to her. Anyway i used to read that to the girls at night, and hold them and do the same thing. Now i feel guilty, i don't even read Lillian a book. Its not that i don't want to, i just fear that if i do that same routine like i did before with the girls, that ill lose Lillian too. I just want my life back, my family back. In others eyes, i guess i look so strong, but in mine, I'm crushed! I get angry with myself, i should have spoken at her funeral. I wanted to say so many things, i didn't want to let her go, The last memory i have of my little girl, the last time i saw her, she was in a wooden box, but she looked so beautiful. She was beautiful! I want to know what she is going to look like when she got older, would she have freckles, what was she going to be when she grew up? would she have a family? oh i hate it, hate it, hate it! why did my little girl pass away? Why did God think i was strong enough to go through this? I can barely handle my MS, and daily life, now i have this. I wouldn't even call it a obstacle, it is a mountain to climb, will i ever make it to the top? will i ever be OK? will i be able to handle it?