Sunday, September 6, 2009
I cant express enough how much i hate that my baby is not here. I often tell myself that she is on vacation in Virginia with her dad visiting her Grandma because i don't want to believe she is gone. I think that is my way of coping. I think about her constantly and as soon as i think of her death not her but the death part i say no no nos shes with Tom, or she is sleeping out at her dads tonight or today. Like a never ending Saturday. She would go to her dads from Saturday until Sunday so i would say she is with him. I'm heartbroken, and i hate closing my eyes at night. i hate having those visions of the day i found her. i want my baby back, i want to hold her and cuddle at night like i used to. i have a lot of breakdowns and most recent i try to do it alone. i don't want people to see me like that. Especially since we are staying with my in laws, i don't want them to see me cry. Sometimes i think they think that i am heartless because when they talk about Amelia i kind of shrug off what they say and that's because if i keep talking then i will lose it and i cant let my little girl see me like that. I often save my crying for bedtime or when I'm in the shower. Every night i cry, i don't think that will ever change. I m hoping that it will get easier.