Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Day 14, a hard day today

Well its day 14, where to begin. It is now 14 days since i heard your little lispy voice. Her words cuddle with me are still fresh in my head, her sweet butterfly kisses. UGH! each night at bedtime i always had a special routine with my girls, after tubby i would read them a story in Amelias room, each had a drink. I would then go in Lillians room, rock her back and forth in my arms for a few seconds and then lay her down in her crib. i would then go back into Amelias room, her and I had this special thing. Butterfly kisses, eskimo kisses, and then i would kiss her three times and say goodnight. I would also tell her Angels are watching you, Jesus loves you, mommy, Lou and Lilly do too. Sometimes we would cudle and i would rub her back. She would ask me if i was cold, that was her way of saying she wanted me to get under the covers with her. 14 days ago my biggest fear came alive. Something that i would never wish on anyone. I experienced a nightmare that some people will never have to experience and i wish that on nobody. You know, when a child is younger all moms obsess about sids. I know i did, you dont think that something like this is going to happen to your three year old. All my life i feared death. I was always scared to fall asleep because i feared that i was not going to wake up. Well now, losing my little girl has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I dont take things for granite anymore, i dont let moments pass by like i did before. And im no longer fearing death because i know that when i pass, i will be with my little girl again, and im sorry to say but i cant wait to hold her again. I thought that each day that goes by it should get easier, but everyday is harder and harder. MOthers day is coming up, something Amelia was excited about, Lous birthday is coming up which Amelia would loved, and Our anniversary is coming up, and I dont want to celebrate. every morning i wake up i still open Amelias bedroom door and i do a quick look to see if she is going to pop up out of her bed and say Hi mom, good morning. She was always happy to see me. Alls i want to do is watch hannah montana or cars the movie and hold my little girl. I need to leave this house because it is just too hard here, but she loved this house and we have so many good memories. Im torn. I want to try to be the best mom i can be for lillian but i cant and my little girl i feel like is suffering. I wish there was somthing to take all of this back, if i could jump in one of those time machines like erkle did on Family matters and just go back a few weeks. Each night i need to have someone sleep here so i have ease in my mind that there are four people in this house. There were two nights that there was nobody but Lou me and lilly and i slept 5 hours in two days. I am physically and emotionally drained and i wish there was something to take this pain away. Im not sure what lies ahead for my family, whats left of it but as a mother i speak to all of you moms out there. Take an extra moment with your children. Stop worrying about the wash or the dishes or the crumbs on the floor, hold your pee an extra second and spend some time with your children. Read them an extra book or hug them tighter, or give them that little piece of chocolate that they want but you dont want to give it to them because it will rot their teeth or get their clothes dirty. Those moments are the ones that mean the most, If i would have know that Fancy Nancy and the Posh Puppy was the last book i read Amelia i would have read her one before it, or made it more exciting. Live every moment with your children like its the first. Cherish your children because they truly are a blessing. Good night and God Bless

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