Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Day 7, One week later, a bit graphic
Today is day 7, exactly one week from the day Amelia passed away. I woke up this morning and did my usual. Went to the bathroom , took my meds, but something was different. Its 8:45 in the morning. She was still alive at this time last Monday. I had her in time out, UGH, if i only would have kept her in my arms a little longer. I got Lillian breakfast and we both said good morning to Amelias ashes. Every morning i walk over to her shelf i have her on and kiss her urn, touch her picture and talk to her. Sometimes i feel like i am crazy talking to a shelf, hoping that it will talk back to me. Im supposed to have a few visitors today, my friend nicole, her sister, and maybe someone else. I need company, i need people around, if not i will go crazy. I cleaned the house and got dressed. We had to step out for a bit but then stopped at WAWA for lunch. I looked at the clock again, 11:30, She was still alive. I was making lunch this time last Monday. Chef boyrd, she had lasagne and lillian had ravioli. I rinsed off some of the sauce that day because they make their stuff too saucy, Amelia always like it that way. While they were eating lunch last Monday i kept walking to the bathroom and coming out, i was fixing my makeup and Amelia was telling me how beautiful i was and how she loved her lunch. After our order was done at WAWA we headed home where an old friend of mine was, Alexis. Her and i lost contact but sine Amelias passing she has been a good friend. Alexis walked over to the door and asked if i had a dog, yeah we have buttercup i said, and told her ill put her away in the room so she wont bother her. We got in the house and settled, started to eat our sandwhiches and Nicole came with her newest baby boy Eli and her hubs Bruce. Nicole has been my BFF for over 14 years, Nicole and Alexis are sisters, Nicole and I stayed in contact. We have been through everything to gether. I quickly ate my sandwhich or else i wouldnt eat it if i took my time. It was good! Then I looked at the clock again, 12:45. UGH, this was around the last time i heard her say I love you, I layed her down at 12:49. Nicole told me to stop looking at the clock but i couldnt help it. This time On monday of last week, I sat on her bed, leaned over and gave her a kiss on her lips. " OOh your lips are dry, lets put some chap stick on them so they are not dry anymore, i said to her. Ok mommy she said. Then i put the chap stick on her lips, then threw the chapstick in her princess basket she has on her shelf by her bed and leaned over and said ok its time to go to sleep. " Mommy can we watch the movie of Cars, she said. I said, "when you get up from your nap, we will watch it." She said Ok, and then asked, Mommy will you cuddle with me?" I said, not right now baby, mommy is going to go in the living room and get something to eat, im hungry." She said ok, and then i said i love you, and she said i love you too. She rolled over on her side facing her wall. She snuggled in her bed and i started to walk away. "Good night, ill see you in a few ok baby",I said. "ok mommy, i love you," she said. "i love you too, good night." I then closed her door tight. I sat down on the couch and finished watching the Rachel Ray show i TVOd earlier. I then got up, got my shoes on and went to Giant. I needed just a few thing, I told Amelia we were going to go grocery shopping when she got up but i needed a few things right now. There was no food in the house. I talked to lou the whole time i was shopping and he asked me to come home. He wasnt feeling good, lately he would black out and stuff so i got a bit worried. I finished up at Giant and came home. I got in and he went out of the house, got the bags and then he wanted to fix something on the car. I put just a few items away and grabbed myself a pop tart, a bowl of pretzels and a kitkat bar. I sat down on the couch. I looked at the clock it was 1:35. I took a bite of my pop tart, but didnt like it and got another one. I sat back down, took a new bite of my fresh pop tart, mmm. that is good. I took a sip of my soda and lou waked in the house. One of the girls are coughing, i jumped up. Anytime we hear anything coming from any of the girls rooms we automatically think of Amelia because she had seizures. I said to Lou, You check on Lillian ill check on Amelia. He went in lillians room, but she was fine, so i reached my hand out for the door knob. Ill go in, said Lou, I said no i will. I opened the door, Lou right by my side. I peeked my head in the door and saw her laying there but it looked like her face was covered by her hair. I said, shes fine, shes sleeping and went to close the door. Then something in my stomach said go check on her again. So i opened the door and walked over to her, lou was in the door way. I tapped on her sholder, Amelia, Amelia wake up its mommy. then i noticed her face was in the pillow. Oh gosh, my stomach started to turn, my heart started to pound. i rolled her over and then i let out the loudest, harshest scream anyone could ever imagine. OH MY GOD, SHE IS D***, She is blue. Her eyes, her lips, her face was blue and bloody. Call 911 lou. While lou was on the phone with 911, I picked her up and layed her on her floor. Her hands were blue too. Lou came over and touched her, "She is warm, she is sweating'" he said. I touched her head. SHe is warm, I yelled. he told the woman on the phone how she is warm, he said to listen for a heartbeat, I put my head on her chest to listen to a heartbeat, Still to this day i swore i heard it in a far distance. I think so i said. Tilt her head back, pinch her nose and blow in her mouth. I took my sleeve and wiped the blood off of her mouth, tilted her head back and blew in her mouth. I am going to revive my baby, I dont know what i am doing but just tried to remember what i learned 10 years ago. I blew once and this foamy stuff came out of her nose, i wiped it off and blew again. It was like blowing in a balloon. Her chest raised up and all. I heard a gurgling noise. Then i took my hands and started to pump. 1,2,3,4,5. I was told to do 30 pumps. Once i got to 28 the paramedics showed up. They came running in her room and pushed me out of the way. They started CPR right away and started to cut her clothes off. She has a seizure disorder, i was just checking on her while she was napping, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Get the mom out of here, the one EMT guy said. So i went with a woman paramedic into lillians room. They were working on Amelia and i was not allowed to see it. The Paramedic kept asking me questions, what happened, how did you find her, is she allergic to anything, is she on any meds, any disorders and so on. Then a cop came in and asked me questions, the same ones. I held so tight to the paramedics arm and i said to her, Please dont let my baby die, please help her. She reassured me that they are in there working on her and that they are going to do their best, but she is unsure of the situation. What happened, i was shaking, i was sick. what the fuck happened. My father in law came in and her just grabbed me and said what happened. i dont know dad, he ehld me tight and started to cry. Then they asked me her name. Its Amelia i said, and i heard them say her name. shes alive, she is ok, they are talking to her. oh thank goodness. I thought. My other baby, Lillian, I looked over in Lillians crib. She was sitting up, just looking at me with this look like what is going on. I touched her head and i said everything is going to be ok baby. The paramedics had her on a stretcher in the hallway, they said they were taking her to the hospital, St Lukes and i could ride but they rather i dont. So i said no i will follow, They took off. Sirens were going and all. I stood for a second in the hallway and looked at the cop that was looking in her room. Please tell me she is ok, he said im not sure what is going on with her and they will take care of her. Then a paramedic came in and i said to him , please tell me my baby is not D***. Tell me she is alive and going to be ok. He said i really dont know and then on the floor was her undershirt that they had cut off of her. I went to grab it and he said, oh ill take care of that, and i said no that is her shirt, and he said i really dont think you want this and put it in his hand with the garbage and walked in to her room to clean up a bit. I rushed and got my purse, took a pill and headed out. We ran to the car and pulled out of the driveway. There was a man getting out of his car who was walking to our house and my mother in law had showed up. we headed down the street. I called my mom, MOm, whats the matter, Mom my baby, my baby Amelia is not breathing, she is on her way to St lukes. Oh my god im on my way. That was at 2:15. The whole car ride i kept screaming, why god why, i said the Our father prayer twice, and begged for my baby to be ok. Please God, please dont take my baby away from me, not yet. My sister Gretchen called me and told me that a woman by the name of Linda would be waiting for me. we parked and ran to the front door, we went right in and through the ER doors to the Trama unit. There were about 10 doctors and nurses, in yellow and blue. They were pumping her chest and counting, they gave her a shot of something. Lou was holing one hand and gretchen the other. We started to yell, come on baby wake up, come on Amelia you can do it. please baby wake up. Linda walked over to me and said, Stacy, the doctors have been working on Amelia for a while now and there is no rythmic heartbeat, they are going to do the best they can. Shock her, i said, shock her bring my baby back. She said im sorry stacy there has to be a heart beat to shock her and htere is none. we are doing our best and we will try for a bit longer. My heart sank into my feet. MY eyes got blurry, what do you mean i dont understand. She will breathe i swear. They sat me down in a chair, and i waited and listened, 1,2,3,4,5,6, no pulse. Then a doctor came over to me and said im sorry stacy there is nothing more we can do, we have tried for over and hour. All the doctors and nurses just looked at me. That is when it sunk in. OH GOD NO!!! i put my head down and lost it. Thats my baby, my princess, my little girl. WHat the hell why? They told me i could go over to her but i have to keep her warm. So i just kept touching her, rubbing her hair and touching her face, kissing her and looking at her. Everyone started to come in, my brother, step dad, sister in law, my in laws, everyone. WHY GOD WHY? WHY TAKE MY LITTLE GIRL? i told the doctors who were staring at me how she wanted to be an austronaunt, she was an artist and just amazing. I then got up on the table and i laid next to her, I dont want to leave her side. This is my baby and i feel like i could have prevented it. Im her mom im supposed to protect her. Im not supposed to be here with my daughter being d***. Im supposed to be gone not her. Then Linda asked me to step out of the room for a bit, the corener had to do somethings . So i sat in a room and other people came, lous cousin joey and his aunt helen, My dad and step mom, my cousin jessica, and my aunt val and aunt deb. My grandmother, and grandfather, Tom and laura, Madeline my sister, my friend nicole, and a few others. Linda said then that a detective wanted to talk to me and the corener. WTF a detective, do they think i did something wrong. You just told me my daughter is D*** and you want to talk to me, what kind of heartless fucking person are you. They said it was procedure and that they were going to talk to Lou and Tom too. I went into one of the rooms with them and they asked what happened, anyone not like amelia and so on. I was sick to my stomach, i just wanted to go back and be with my baby. Then we needed to talk about arrangements. I dont want to do this, no im not. After being interrigated by that asshole i was allowed to go back and see her one more time. They had her wrapped up tightly to where only you could see her face and a bit of her hair. Everyone came in one last time and then david did a blessing on her, and we said a prayer. There was still a doctor in the room watching us. why do all these people have to be in here and watching us.I told david i should have checked on her earlier, i would found her. he said it was meant to be and i shouldnt blame myself, which i do. I walked out to the other room after i said my goodbyes and kisses and touched her and then i sat down. The doctor who was working on her walked in and said im terribly sorry for your loss but if there is anything i can do please dont hesitate to ask, his eyes were red, you could tell it even crushed him to see a little 3 year old girl pass away. We left the hospital around 6:15 and went home. I cried the whole way home and so did Lou. I told him i dont want to go back to that house, Gretchen was coming over though which made me a feel a bit at ease. I got home and it just felt empty, i was sick! my first born is gone. I went into her room and started to pick up the pieces, i made her bed and then just sat there staring at her bed, Gretchen walked in and came right back to the room. She held my arm and just said i am so sorry stacy, i dont know what to say. What can you say. This story plays over and over in my head and everytime i look at the clock and i see the time i cant help but think about it. After we were done eating WAWA i went into the living room and started to put more pictures in frames. Alexis had to leave and nicole and bruce were hanging out still. i need company. My cousin Christa stoudt was gonna spend the night so we werent alone. Angela was still here too. The day was pretty much a blur and i couldnt get taht horrible picture ot of my mind of her being blue and blood and that smell of chef boyord..we will never have that in our home again. I thought back again to Monday and how proud of her i was for eating all of her lunch and then she asked for a cookie which i proudly gave to her. She also gave Lillian her dora jewelry box, she said she was a big girl and she didnt need it anymore. I hugged her so tight for that. After everyone left and Christa and Angie were settled down ready for bed, Lou and i walked into Amelias room. We both held eachother and cried and then gave her sheets a kiss and went into our room. Night time is the worst for me, i cant breathe and alls i do is rock back and forth back and forth, I cant sleep nothing. I held her stuffed animal and closed my eyes.