Tuesday, January 19, 2010

looking for her

Every night when I close my eyes I think of Amelia. When I open them as well she is on my mind but, I often wonder why cant I dream of her? Why cant I see her in my dream like I did three weeks after she passed. I just want to see her, I want to touch her, I want to feel her around me. That is the only thing I do feel often is her presence. Sometimes when i am in the kitchen cooking and I can feel like someone is staring at me but when I turn around there is nobody. Not a person, a dog, or a mouse, nothing!. Sometimes its not even a staring feeling it is just this warm comforting feeling like someone is there, like my baby is there but I turn around and shes not. Sometimes at night I try to close my eyes real tight and think of her, hoping she will appear. She never does. Someone once told me that she is all around always in my presence and if I dint try so hard she would appear. I think that is bullshit because no matter how hard or how less I try to see her I don't. Sometimes I even sit on the couch and look all around the house hoping that her faded image would appear for a brief moment to relieve me of this fucking agony.

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