Amelia's Birthday

For weeks now Lou and I were planning a balloon send off on Amelia's 4Th birthday. I knew the day was coming up and each day i grew closer, my heart would ache more. I tried to keep myself busy and focused so that way i really don't have time to think about things but when i am alone at night while everyone is asleep in the house, i think think think and then i break down. I'm not sure why i was picked to go through this type of pain, nobody should go through this. Is this Gods way of telling me I'm strong? Well I'm not! So we planned to have all family and friends join us on her birthday at the field across the street from our house, which we no longer live there because we just moved. I was amazed at the outcome. The send off started at 6:00, over 75 people showed up. People who have never met her, some who met her once, and others who have been there from day one. I was overwhelmed by the amount of support and love that our friends and family have shown. We bought two helium tanks and blew up balloons and i ordered 15 others, happy birthday balloons, princess, cars, pink hearts and so on. I handed out markers for people to write something if they chose on their balloons. All through out the day i received letters from all over the United States. PA, NJ, MA, OR, CO, TX, NC, NY, OH, CA, MO, VA, MD, DE and Canada. Around 6 pm everyone headed towards the center of the open field, everyone stood around in a circle and me, Lou, and Lillian stood in the middle. Balloons in hand i thanked everyone for coming and showing us support and love and i said on the count of 5 we will let them go. Then we counted and let them go. Everyone clapped and wished Amelia a Happy Birthday. I wanted to break down so bad, i wanted to just fall to my knees and lose control of myself, this is my baby, my flesh my blood and i have to celebrate her birthday by letting a fucking balloon go. Oh the Anger, the hurt. I did good though, i kept my cool. I told everyone that there will be food and cake afterwards at Lou's parents house and i thanked everyone for coming. Once i got into the car, i lost it, i had a big cry and it was needed. I was so proud of everyone coming and to watch those balloons go up to Amelia and knowing that all of these people care and miss her makes me feel comforted. The cake we got was beautiful. It said, Although your not here, we miss you so dear. Thinking of you on your special day, Although your not here for us to say, Happy 4Th Birthday Amelia Rose. It had purple roses, her favorite color, and it had butterflies which was a favorite of hers. I made alot of food and i know she was looking down and really enjoyed her family thinking of her. I will never forget!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMELIA!

August 1, 2009`

So Lou and I decided we need to move. It has been a thing we have been going back and forth about but as long as i am in this house, im not going to be able to live properly. Every time i go past her bedroom door, my stomach turns, i hear the voices of the paramedics in my head and the cries of the people around me. So we have to move! We don't want to because we love this house, its perfect. The place we always wanted and now we have to go. I don't want to leave because the memories and this is the last place Amelia was so i feel another connection but if i don't leave then i can see myself really going crazy and i have to try to keep myself composed for Lillian. Although i do have a ton of break downs and i always will. I started to pack up somethings but i don't want to. I cant go in her room and i don't want to pack her stuff up. Although us moving is a perfect way for me to pack her things up. Her room is still just how we left it that day. Her shoes still the way they were when she took them off by her dresser and her hula hoop on the floor. The day after she passed i went in her room and layed on her bed, i did that a couple days in a row and even read a book out loud to her and Lilly but that didn't last long. I couldn't stomach it, i would break down and i hated the fact that the only kiss i was able to give her was her blanket that was on her bed when she passed. Her pillow and rosary beads are gone. Which reminds me. I sent out over 120 letters to all the neighbors in our area asking them that if they were to go for a walk to keep an eye out for these beads and please return them. They mean so much to me. Theres a story behind them. When i was about 12 i had my communion and my aunt Joan gave me these beautiful crystal clear rosaries. i saved them and slept with them under my pillow for 14 years. about 9 months ago i was laying in me and Lou's bed with Amelia reading her a book and i brought out a box. It was a jewelry box that is my Nanas who is now 92 but inside were these rosaries that were passed down from person to person then to me. I explained the rosaries to Amelia and then gave her mine that i was given when i was younger. They were blessed by the Pope many years ago as well, well i told Amelia to sleep with them under her pillow and i will sleep with mine and that is a way we will always be protected and we will be connected even more with God. The day Amelia passed the detectives took her pillow and the rosaries are now gone. So i thought maybe someones child picked them up along the road or sidewalk but i only got two responses. One from a disabled couple sending their condolences and the other from the neighbors down at the corner offering to do a search in the field across the street. They lost their nephew who was 8 so they felt my pain. Still till this day they are missing.

June 16, 2009

UGH! i had a break down today, a bad one. I was in the basement doing wash separating clothes and there right there on the floor, right in front of me was her shirt. A white shirt that she wore on Sunday, the Sunday we went to the park the Sunday we went for ice cream the Sunday, the day before she died. I picked it up. it was still soft and had a stain of tooth paste on it. I held it so tight. I then sniffed it, did it smell like her, it sure did. Immediately i started to cry. This is the smell i was looking for. I sent all of these nights smelling something that did not smell like my baby this shirt did. oh god Amelia, why? I fell to my knees and lost it. i cried for a good fifteen min hard. There was a spider on the floor so i walked over to a chair and sat on it, holding her shirt so tight and crying. i just want that big hug back and that smile. Oh she would light up a room when she walked in. she would make people laugh at her silly ways and she was well mannered. She knew the proper things to do. I swear she was going to be a dancer or a singer. she loved music and artsy stuff. Alot like me. About 45 min later, Lou came down stairs asking me what i was doing. I just kept crying. He picked me up and helped me upstairs, I went right to our bedroom, laid in bed and cuddled with her littlest pet shop horse. On the horse are her socks that she wore that day. I took them off of her after they pronounced her because i didn't want anyone to take them. They already have her shirt, her jeans and her under shirt. They are not getting her dirty socks. ha ha. they have stains on them and everything. I grabbed the LPS horse and curled up and cried. I let months of agony out. Lou laid next to me with Lillian, not sure what to do, he did comfort me but i didn't want to be bothered. I just wanted to cry, and i did.

7 weeks 49 days....how every you want to count it

Another Monday here and gone. Its been 7 weeks, 49 days or what have you. sometimes i feel like counting is going to make things better. Sometimes i think that ignoring it is going to make things better. I know nothing is going to change this feeling in my heart. Nothing is going to make her come back. I have had people tell me to take it day by day, how the hell am i supposed to, or have faith. Faith? how is that possible, I've started to heat myself up about Amelia passing. I blame myself, I know i heard a heartbeat when i found her, but i didn't do CPR good enough. Is that the case? They said that when i found her that she was already passed but i beg the differ. I know my baby was alive and i didn't do what i needed to do to save her. I'm a failure. That is how i feel. Maybe today is a bad day for me, Although people have said that it will get better, when? i need it to get better, now. I need to be able to move forward and possibly live my life again. Live for my baby, but i cant. There is always something holding me back. This is a honest struggle with a mother who has lost a child. I have talked to a few moms of deceased children and all of them are the same way. Some of them didn't even get to see their children before they passed. I was fortunate to kiss her and tell her i loved her. Sometimes i want to crawl up in a Little ball in the corner and cry, hit myself and yell and scream. Sometimes when i cry Lillian kisses my head or leg or says mom, mom, mommy. Even through all of this struggle emotionally, Lillian makes me smile and laugh. I'm not much of a mom or a wife lately, I'm just there.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday June 1,2,3.

Every Monday i remind myself that on this day at this time she did this and then i went to check on her and she was like this and blah blah blah. Why cant they provide pills to people, not anxiety pills but does that erase the damage that is done to your brain. Maybe there would be a lot less killers and suicides if that was the case. I want it all to go away. I cant lay Lillian down at her normal nap time, and i cant feed her Chef boy r D's, and i cant check on her anymore when she sleeps. I feel like I've become this horrible mom because i feel like I'm punishing Lillian and my family. Lou doesn't get sleep because at night i beg him to stay awake with me, please don't fall asleep, it will be 3 AM and i will ask him to stay up with me. He does try i have to say but times he does fall asleep. I cant check on her, i always tell him. Please Lou stay awake. I cant eat, i cant sleep, the only thing i do do good at is crying. Sometimes i cry so hard that no tears come out, or i cry so hard that i get sick to my stomach. will it ever go away? the pain of losing Amelia, the pain of not seeing her, the guilt i have for not letting her do this and that. Will all of that go away? Everyday Lilly calls for her sissy, She goes to her urn and wants to kiss it and rub it. I cry, I cry when people are looking i cry in the shower when nobody is looking. I stare at little girls who resemble my sweet pea, i wonder everyday what she would have been when she grew up, would she have gotten married, oh she would have been beautiful on her wedding day. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? i will always question the whys? I'm sure i will never have an answer.

May 30, Saturday

i have to do something with myself. I'm losing my mind, everyday i await for the mail to arrive, everyday i find something that is Amelia's and i don't want to let it go. Going to a Therapist is not helping. Every night i cant fall asleep because i keep replaying rolling Amelia over and the color, the smell, the touch everything makes my skin crawl. When i do fall asleep i wake up suddenly and I'm afraid to check on Lilly. Its been weeks since i slept a full 8 hours. I have to have someone spend the night, especially on a Monday night because those are the worst days for me. When i start to think about her, i try to redirect my thoughts because my stomach suddenly becomes this nasty rumbling pit where i feel like my insides are turning and twisting. I cant live like this anymore, i cant take it anymore. I don't want to stay in this house, I'm going to lose my mind. people say i have post traumatic stress disorder, well no shit, i found my baby...... I'm not sure if anyone who reads this blog noticed that i don't write dead or death very often i say passed, i cant bring myself to say dead or died or anything like that. So i say passed. It sounds so suttle and pretty compared to dead. that word is so blunt and harsh. I gotta find a hobby, a trade, something to get my mind off of this stuff.

Day 35.

Has it really been 35 days since my baby passed away. Why does it seem like just yesterday. I can still hear every ones voice that was in the hospital. It keeps echoing in my head. I'm sorry, they have worked on her for over an hour, there is nothing we can do, people crying. Even the nurses in the trauma unit were crying. I just wanted to hold my baby, hear her tell me that she loved me. i want to hold her, take these tubes out, why did this happen. I kept asking those questions. Linda, the one lady who helps people at their time was amazing. She was helpful and soft spoken. She grabbed me a chair and then i said i wanted to walk back up to the table where my daughter laid. I want to hold her, can i pick her up, please let me pick her up. They said no, i couldn't, they couldn't take the tubes out, couldn't pick her up. What the fuck! That's my baby, my life, my joy and now i cant even touch her. I was angry, sad, disgusted, all in one. They said i could lay next to her on the table, so i got up there and she was covered with a blanket besides her face and head. They said we needed to keep her warm so i kept getting more blankets and trying to cuddle with her. i kept rubbing her arm and crying, WHY! they told me to touch her gently, and only touch in certain parts. I didn't understand this is my baby, if i want to rub her arms or legs or kiss her head i will. A flew of family members came in the room, my sister in law, my sisters, my mom, my in laws, my dad, my cousins, tom and his girlfriend. Every time someone would walk in the room and see me laying next to her they would cry. I was trying to be strong but just Two hours ago my little girl was talking to me. Hi mommy and i love you mommy, now she is in this cold room, people crying and not saying anything. I looked over at Lou and Linda had rushed and gotten him a chair. He didn't look too good. Every ones cries, every ones yells. They are all fresh in my mind today and I'm sure they will be forever. They said the coroner wanted to come in the room so we had to leave. I walked out of the Trauma unit, red eyed and in a blur. The hallway was covered with my family. I was shocked. Some didn't even get to know Amelia. I walked to the first room and sat. I balled my eyes out, i curled up in a ball and cried. Every Monday, i relive this day. The sounds, the smells, the touches. I wish i could go back 5 months, i would change a ton of things. Sometimes i feel like what i did in the past is paying me back. If that is the case this is torture. I miss u Amelia!