A pill to take it all away

Everyday that passes i pray that the next day will get better that was until recently. My step fathers step mother Kat, also known as Gigi told me that when ask God for strength that he puts another bump in the road. So now i don't ask God for strength although when i am saying my prayers i do think of asking him more then once. Recently, Amelia's passing has taken a toll on my marriage. It is not easy, I often find myself feeling alone, although I'm not. I don't understand that Lou is going through the same thing I am, I guess i think because he is a guy, that he has no feelings and therefor he doesn't understand, but he does. I feel alone alot and i know I'm not. I try to redirect my hurt feelings and anger into something like baking or painting. The first two weeks after Amelia passed away, i redecorated my house. I got new decorations, and added pictures, mostly her art work from school or at home projects and i framed them. I gave one to Emeril Lagasse. He was honored to have something she drew while he was on tv. Today in the shower which this is the time when i usually think, the shower or while I'm driving, well anytime I'm alone and i can think. I was thinking of Amelia and her last moments with me. I have it replaying in my mind constantly. I HATE IT! I think I'm going to invent a pill that erases post traumatic stress,

Im a bitter bitch!

I'm starting to get a bit pissed off these days. My therapist told me that this is part of the whole mourning stages. First is denial, Then acceptance, then anger, then pain and all that bullshit. I'm bitter, I'm bitter to everyone and i don't care. I never was a heartless person but i am now. Alot of other things are factors as well but if i am crying over my child passing away, please don't come up to me and tell me about your child's success stories. There is a time and place for everything and that is not the time for it. I have alot of jealousy as well, and I'm told this is also normal. Well how can i not be jealous, all around me are little girls, Amelia's age and their dancing, and laughing and stuff and my baby's not. Even when I'm at the grocery store and i see a three year old girl or a four year old girl and i get angry. Why? Why me? Why my family? I understand Amelia was sick, sicker then anyone knew. I blame the doctors, its their fault that my baby is not here today. I asked the neurologist on April 3, down at St. Christopher's hospital in Philadelphia if its possible she could die from a seizure, he said its impossible and the only way would be if she banged her head, or choked on something. Nothing of the sort happened, Airways were clear, no damage to the body, head trauma, nothing. She had such a severe seizure that her little body couldn't handle it and all of her systems shut down. i miss her, I'm angry at the world and i want her back

Positive Changes

There has been so much stress in my life, i have no idea where to turn. I know i have family and friends who I'm able to talk to but when i want to talk it seems like i cant, or its too uncomfortable or they wont understand. I know there are other moms out there that have lost children and can relate to my pain and sorrow but i often think, can they. Did they find their child dead in her bed, did they find their child blue and did they try to do CPR on their child like i did and not succeed? I feel like a failure. So i decided I'm going to go to college and become a pediatric nurse. I couldn't save my baby's life but maybe i can save another child's life. I sent in my application today so I'm hoping that i will hear something back. Alot of people in my life think that becoming a nurse is not a good idea or tell me that i cant stomach blood or gross things but i say, after what i went through, i can handle anything. Although the thought of a limb hanging off of someones body does gross me out, but i would still take care of that child and do my best to keep him/her in good health. A part of me wants to just do it to throw it in their faces that I'm not dumb and i can do something like this. Maybe this is what i need, a change in my life, a positive change!

2O Mondays

Has it really been 20 Mondays? Many people would think that 2o isn't alot, eh its only 5 months but for me it seems like years. Mondays are the hardest for me, i hate them and i do anything in my power to try to bring myself closer to her on Mondays. Little things like wear Hannah Montana socks, there is a story behind them. For Easter this year she got a pair of Hannah Montana socks in her Easter basket. She was a fan. Well the day she passed away that morning, i was cleaning up their Easter baskets and i said here's you socks meals. She went to put them on and they were too big. She said, " Here mommy, you can have my Hannah Montana socks." and then handed them to me. I was soo in love, she was giving and great. So i put them on, i was excited about it. We were sitting on her bed then teaching Lillian words and Amelia was excited because Lillian said ball, which meals had Easter eggs on her socks and Lillian called them balls. We were so proud. Then Louie came in Amelia's room and she said, "you look yummy Louie." we both had a laugh, I told Lou, prior to Amelia saying that, that he looked yummy. He had a nice outfit on. Anyway so on Mondays, I often tell Louie he looks yummy, and i wear Hannah Montana socks, I went and bought a few more and a few Mater ones too, that was her other favorite. I started a tradition and Lillian has caught on. Every Monday since her Birthday Balloon Send off me, Lou, and Lilly let three balloons go in the air. Sometimes we will write on them or sometimes they are blank. Monday nights after Lillian's tubby, which now we have to do it earlier because of the time change it gets darker sooner, but as soon as i get the balloons Lillian says, boon boons to sissy, which means, balloons up to sissy. Ive always heard stories of people losing a child and i always thought, not me. That will never happen to me, once it did, i realized anything is possible in this world.

Exspressions

I cant express enough how much i hate that my baby is not here. I often tell myself that she is on vacation in Virginia with her dad visiting her Grandma because i don't want to believe she is gone. I think that is my way of coping. I think about her constantly and as soon as i think of her death not her but the death part i say no no nos shes with Tom, or she is sleeping out at her dads tonight or today. Like a never ending Saturday. She would go to her dads from Saturday until Sunday so i would say she is with him. I'm heartbroken, and i hate closing my eyes at night. i hate having those visions of the day i found her. i want my baby back, i want to hold her and cuddle at night like i used to. i have a lot of breakdowns and most recent i try to do it alone. i don't want people to see me like that. Especially since we are staying with my in laws, i don't want them to see me cry. Sometimes i think they think that i am heartless because when they talk about Amelia i kind of shrug off what they say and that's because if i keep talking then i will lose it and i cant let my little girl see me like that. I often save my crying for bedtime or when I'm in the shower. Every night i cry, i don't think that will ever change. I m hoping that it will get easier.

Amelia's Birthday

For weeks now Lou and I were planning a balloon send off on Amelia's 4Th birthday. I knew the day was coming up and each day i grew closer, my heart would ache more. I tried to keep myself busy and focused so that way i really don't have time to think about things but when i am alone at night while everyone is asleep in the house, i think think think and then i break down. I'm not sure why i was picked to go through this type of pain, nobody should go through this. Is this Gods way of telling me I'm strong? Well I'm not! So we planned to have all family and friends join us on her birthday at the field across the street from our house, which we no longer live there because we just moved. I was amazed at the outcome. The send off started at 6:00, over 75 people showed up. People who have never met her, some who met her once, and others who have been there from day one. I was overwhelmed by the amount of support and love that our friends and family have shown. We bought two helium tanks and blew up balloons and i ordered 15 others, happy birthday balloons, princess, cars, pink hearts and so on. I handed out markers for people to write something if they chose on their balloons. All through out the day i received letters from all over the United States. PA, NJ, MA, OR, CO, TX, NC, NY, OH, CA, MO, VA, MD, DE and Canada. Around 6 pm everyone headed towards the center of the open field, everyone stood around in a circle and me, Lou, and Lillian stood in the middle. Balloons in hand i thanked everyone for coming and showing us support and love and i said on the count of 5 we will let them go. Then we counted and let them go. Everyone clapped and wished Amelia a Happy Birthday. I wanted to break down so bad, i wanted to just fall to my knees and lose control of myself, this is my baby, my flesh my blood and i have to celebrate her birthday by letting a fucking balloon go. Oh the Anger, the hurt. I did good though, i kept my cool. I told everyone that there will be food and cake afterwards at Lou's parents house and i thanked everyone for coming. Once i got into the car, i lost it, i had a big cry and it was needed. I was so proud of everyone coming and to watch those balloons go up to Amelia and knowing that all of these people care and miss her makes me feel comforted. The cake we got was beautiful. It said, Although your not here, we miss you so dear. Thinking of you on your special day, Although your not here for us to say, Happy 4Th Birthday Amelia Rose. It had purple roses, her favorite color, and it had butterflies which was a favorite of hers. I made alot of food and i know she was looking down and really enjoyed her family thinking of her. I will never forget!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMELIA!

August 1, 2009`

So Lou and I decided we need to move. It has been a thing we have been going back and forth about but as long as i am in this house, im not going to be able to live properly. Every time i go past her bedroom door, my stomach turns, i hear the voices of the paramedics in my head and the cries of the people around me. So we have to move! We don't want to because we love this house, its perfect. The place we always wanted and now we have to go. I don't want to leave because the memories and this is the last place Amelia was so i feel another connection but if i don't leave then i can see myself really going crazy and i have to try to keep myself composed for Lillian. Although i do have a ton of break downs and i always will. I started to pack up somethings but i don't want to. I cant go in her room and i don't want to pack her stuff up. Although us moving is a perfect way for me to pack her things up. Her room is still just how we left it that day. Her shoes still the way they were when she took them off by her dresser and her hula hoop on the floor. The day after she passed i went in her room and layed on her bed, i did that a couple days in a row and even read a book out loud to her and Lilly but that didn't last long. I couldn't stomach it, i would break down and i hated the fact that the only kiss i was able to give her was her blanket that was on her bed when she passed. Her pillow and rosary beads are gone. Which reminds me. I sent out over 120 letters to all the neighbors in our area asking them that if they were to go for a walk to keep an eye out for these beads and please return them. They mean so much to me. Theres a story behind them. When i was about 12 i had my communion and my aunt Joan gave me these beautiful crystal clear rosaries. i saved them and slept with them under my pillow for 14 years. about 9 months ago i was laying in me and Lou's bed with Amelia reading her a book and i brought out a box. It was a jewelry box that is my Nanas who is now 92 but inside were these rosaries that were passed down from person to person then to me. I explained the rosaries to Amelia and then gave her mine that i was given when i was younger. They were blessed by the Pope many years ago as well, well i told Amelia to sleep with them under her pillow and i will sleep with mine and that is a way we will always be protected and we will be connected even more with God. The day Amelia passed the detectives took her pillow and the rosaries are now gone. So i thought maybe someones child picked them up along the road or sidewalk but i only got two responses. One from a disabled couple sending their condolences and the other from the neighbors down at the corner offering to do a search in the field across the street. They lost their nephew who was 8 so they felt my pain. Still till this day they are missing.